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stillalone 
I know I haven't had much chance to get online. My computer at home is broken so I have to use the one at the library. As far as my mental health is concerned, I still get quite depressed and am still very lonely. I have a guy interested in me but he is still attached to his boyfriend and I refuse to give in to his needs while he is involved. He gets very pushy and demanding but I don't and won't give in. I have mailed out suicide notes to various places , newspapers etc. and didn't give my name. I need to be able to get somebody to listen to my story. When I get to the last one to send I won't have a choice but to folow through with it. I figure all I want is to be loved and realize it will not happen, even with this guy I just mentioned who is interested and involved ,I can't see it happening.
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I recently had a verbal fight with someone I thought was a friend. Although I didn't know him all that well he owed me money, he promised to pay on Friday but as usual he wasn't to be found. I did finally get a hold of him and he reacted badly to my reaction of his delinquency. I wrote him a note and stuck it in his door and later he became really nasty about it. He fails to understand that I have been ripped off in the past and I felt he was going to do the same thing. Especially when he promised a certain day and I literally had to track him down to get it. I really believe that he would've paid me back unless I was on him about it. He got very personal and my blood pressure went up then I reacted badly. It all ended on somewhat good terms but then I found out he was still going on about it with other friends and even went to the gay bar to tell them and look for some trash on me to use against me. At this time I don't know how successful he was but it really bothers me how he couldn't understand that it happened so often in my past that I thought it was going to happen again. Even when I reminded him that we don't really know each other that well. On the other hand I continue going to the bridge in hopes of losing my balance to fall off. I keep trying to have the nerve to jump . I guess I will have the nerve someday sooner or later. Hopefully sooner. I can't stand this shit any more.
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Oh please don't jump! This thing called life is so hard and painful I know, but we NEED you. I need you! We need you and your pain. Your loneliness. All of what you have and are experiencing--I need it to get thru my days. To get thru my desire to swerve in front of a huge semi. To get thru thinking of the knifes in the drawer and if I wanted to I could go to the office and numb both my arms with lidocaine and then just slice away.
Help me to see the sun, help me to see the stars, to marvel at what is, and help me to put out of my mind again and again all the evil that has happened to me, to my sisters, to my dear brother when he was only 6!
Help me to understand that although people can be such jerks, expend so much energy to hurt us, even after we do a good deed to them, that there are the good ones there.
Help me to recognize and hold on to the love and care that is shown to me.
Let us fight that darkness together by holding on to the littlest sliver of light--even if it is the smallest star, it is wonderous, and it will grow and spread. We just have to keep telling ourselfs it will.
Let's not be blinded by the hurtfulness--let's do a good thing for one person. Buy a sandwich and a juice drink and give it to the first homeless person you see.
And don't lend anymore money. Love, kanga
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Good advice!
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people can be so unfair. something very much like what happened to you just happened to me. I felt as Im the bad one asking for money which was owed me to be paid back. hang in there and remember there are so many great people out there so try to surround yourslelf with people that bring you up . Im here if you need to talk
Okay , this was 4 nights in a row now that the police came looking for someone on a bridge . I am surprised they haven't figured out it was me yet or maybe they do. In this city they hate gays and beat them up for sport. I know , I was a victim twice and they always get away with it. Maybe tonight I will stay away but it's like an obsession now. Like I have to do this. I can't stand living this way and I have nowhere toturn for help.
Past Entries
| August 2007 |
Tuesday, 8/21
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July 2007 |
Sunday, 7/22
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Hi everyone , it's been a long time, I still have no computer to use at home and am limited on usage time in the library so I haven't been here for a while. I am a little better than before . I have a partner now who relly seems to love me but my own fears keep him at arms length . Like everyone else I don't want to be hurt so I am being careful. He has some issues too so we have alot to work on. I still get depressed and feel suicidal, like last night but I was able to overcome that feeling this time. Anyway I just wanted to update and apologize for lack of response.
stillalone