Journal

what a fucking weekend. iam alive for now. lately i have been facing one dissappointment after the next and i blame mysefl for all of it. opportunities are hard to come by these days and when i do accept one, it does not last or turn out the way i expect. such is life.

i have been contemplating suicide more than ever before. i talk to God every day and ask for strength. in fact, i don't know what to ask for anymore. i don't know what i want. i don't know where to go. i don't know where i belong. my apartment is my sanctuary. my friends i need to survive.

i don't feel like i belong in my family. where did i come from. i know that i come from the same place my siblings came from, but they are not like me. for one they are straight and iam gay. i was born gay. i have HIV and they have their lives and health and spouses and children. i have me and my friends. i feel to leave it all, since iam so unhappy.

how can i be strong. how can i get a job. how can i be happy. how can i be free of all negativity.

 god save me please.

rain again. i like rain when iam not in it. but i have to admit when i get soaked when jogging, i enjoy it immensly.

i feel good this morning. i read a passage from the bible this morning. i have not any thing from that book in months and i missed it.

looks like it will be a over cast day for most of the day and that is just fine with me. when i feel anxious, i lie in bed and wonder why and where is it coming from. i put alot of pressure on my self about where i should be, what i should be doing, how i should be. for the most part i like myself and  where iam and how iam. i can't be hard on my self for mistakes and poor choices or reactions to things and people. i believe that being faithful to god is believing he is with me at all times and there for me at all times in all situations. i know that now.

for the kingdom and glory are your now and forever. Amen

what a fantastic weekend. the weather was great. seems as though i was non stop from friday. the highlight of my weekend was camping. there were very few mosquitos and the camp ground was realtively quiet.

i played with fire, literally, all night saturday night. as the sun started to rise, i went in the tent to lay down.

time to work now.