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terrys 
7:24pm, October 4, 2009
What Manner Of Communications Are These?
The quality of human relationships depends largely upon the way we communicate with each other. It depends not only on what we say, but how we say it; not only on what we do, but our motives for doing it. Our tone of voice and even our smallest actions are elements of communication; many of us are hardly aware of these.
When partners in a marriage are held together by a bond of love, mutual respect, and a desire to please and comfort, communication naturally falls into patterns that express feelings and give both husband and wife confidence in each other and a sense of security and mutual dependence.
When a relationship is distorted by an unbalanced dependence, or by suspicion, hostility, excessive demands, and expectations, these flaws reveal themselves in the way the two people communicate with each other.
If a man marries a woman because he was attracted by her warm maternal quality, as many addicts do, he is likely to be the dependent one. And she, attracted to him because of her unconscious desire to mother someone, will be the practical member of the family. She may later bemoan the fact that he has failed in his role as head of the house, not aware that it was she who took the reins and did all the managing. And while she was managing him, the children, the household, the finances, she's awash with self pity because of the big load she has to carry.
If he is drinking, her constant protective watchfulness makes it easy for him to sidestep getting help. He has no incentive to get sober. She convinces herself that she's doing her very best for him; she hasn't learned, as she would in Al- Anon, that shielding him from the consequences of his abuse only prolongs it's course.
When he is under the influence, her reaction is to reproach him for his behavior, and that's the worst time to attempt to communicate with him. In fact it can't be done without triggering a family war.
Until she learns what is wrong with her attitude and how to change herself so he will be forced to face his responsibilities, the situation isn't likely to improve.
If a man married a woman because she's shy, timid and submissive, he unconsciously chose a wife who would satisfy his need to dominate. If she turns out to be an addict, he will have the complete dependent he wants, no matter how desperately he thinks he wants her sober. He, too, will cover up her drinking, protect her from public disgrace, and assume all the responsibilities which should be hers.
Such distorted relationships are often found in substance abuse marriages, and they inevitably lead to the drying up of communication which is vital to a good marriage.
We can make verbal communication effective if we never lose sight of the fact that the substance abuser is sick; he has a disease for which it is unfair to blame or punish him. But he must be told- at the right time and without anger or reproach- what he has done and is doing.
This suggestion, from an AA member, has proved successful in many cases.
"The abuser may experience blackouts. He appears to be functioning, but he usually doesn't remember what he did or said. He suspects that something did happen and his anxiety and nameless guilt are almost unbearable. If you're sorry for him, you might think it's unfair to torture him by telling him what his abuse has led to. But it's kinder and more constructive to relieve his mind and tell him frankly what he needs to know. He has a right to know what his abuse is doing to him. If you go to him without anger and reproach and tell him quietly what happened, you'll be helping him to see himself as he is. "My wife did just this for me and it was the single most helpful thing that ever happened to bring me to sobriety."
" I had no idea how far I had fallen from my own ideals until she came to me one morning and told me what I had done the night before. And as soon as she had spoken her piece, she excused herself and quietly left me to figure out myself what I was going to do about it."
"But the abuser must be allowed to draw his own conclusions. If you tell him how he looked, how he acted, what you think of him for it, it won't work." He'll just fall back on the old excuse "She's picking on me again", and he'll have a grievance against you that will sustain him over this bad time.
Until the spouse has been exposed to the AL-ANON program, she automatically assumes that the abuser could, only if he wanted to, get sober and behave better, so she berates him when he comes home under the influence. And when the phase is past, she hesitates to bring up even urgent problems for fear of giving him reason for another binge.
This brings to mind a meeting that inspired the members to explore their own motivations and to understand how they were performing in their communication with their partners. The topic was:
Do you say what you mean?
Do you mean what to say?
Many of difficulties of achieving good communication lie not only with the abuser, but with the spouse as well. The stresses and uncertainties she lives with each day-the dread, the fear, the anger-have so distorted her reasoning powers that the most of her reactions are emotional and often destructive. The chairman asked the members, "Why don't we say what we mean? Why aren't we honest enough to confront the troublesome partner with some straight truths? They're surely obvious enough, but if we fail to let the abuser know how we feel about things, how will he know? What's going to motivate him to find sobriety if we let him believe that his behavior acceptable?"
Each person spoke in turn; these were the answers.
" I don't say what I think because I want to avoid fights and trouble. I guess I haven't learned to distinguish between saying disagreeable, critical things and making plain statements about a situation that will throw light on them without hurting his feelings." The next speaker said, " I"m afraid to tell him what I think. Usually I think of nothing but criticizing him of what he's doing, and I know that's wrong because he's sick. And whom he's sober he's so nice and kind that I hate to bring up the unpleasant things that happened. And anyway aren't we supposed to work on ourselves in this program? Telling him how we feel about the things he does seem to me the same as taking his inventory."
Commenting on these two remarks, the chairman said, "You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up when the abuser is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing there is no limit to what we will tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop out. If we want the abuser to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings. I don't think that's the same as nagging as long as we don't repeat ourselves, and I don't think it's the same as taking his inventory. What do you think?"
The next member spoke up, " It's bad enough to sidestep saying what we mean, but it's even worse to say what we don't mean. My long standing habit of "blowing my top" when my husband was abusing lasted long after he was sober. I reacted to anything that annoyed me with the first angry words that came to mind. I'd forget that he was just getting back some of his long lost self esteem, and would say something bitter that would undermine it. I guess I wanted to hurt him because of all he'd put me through in the past. But I'm getting over that. I began to realize that the hurtful things I was saying really hit home he actually believed them and I didn't mean them at all! I'm doing better as time goes on, but I have to keep reminding myself, " Don't say it unless you mean it." and that has kept me from saying a lot of things I'd later wish I hadn't."
What emerged out of that meeting was finally summed up by the chairman.
We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest, with ourselves and others. We must know why we are saying it. If it's to impress, belittle, to convey our self pity or resentment, it ought not to be said. That would only widen the rift and we want to close the gap! And we can mean what we say only if we stop the rash statements before they hit the air.
The quality of human relationships depends largely upon the way we communicate with each other. It depends not only on what we say, but how we say it; not only on what we do, but our motives for doing it. Our tone of voice and even our smallest actions are elements of communication; many of us are hardly aware of these.
When partners in a marriage are held together by a bond of love, mutual respect, and a desire to please and comfort, communication naturally falls into patterns that express feelings and give both husband and wife confidence in each other and a sense of security and mutual dependence.
When a relationship is distorted by an unbalanced dependence, or by suspicion, hostility, excessive demands, and expectations, these flaws reveal themselves in the way the two people communicate with each other.
If a man marries a woman because he was attracted by her warm maternal quality, as many addicts do, he is likely to be the dependent one. And she, attracted to him because of her unconscious desire to mother someone, will be the practical member of the family. She may later bemoan the fact that he has failed in his role as head of the house, not aware that it was she who took the reins and did all the managing. And while she was managing him, the children, the household, the finances, she's awash with self pity because of the big load she has to carry.
If he is drinking, her constant protective watchfulness makes it easy for him to sidestep getting help. He has no incentive to get sober. She convinces herself that she's doing her very best for him; she hasn't learned, as she would in Al- Anon, that shielding him from the consequences of his abuse only prolongs it's course.
When he is under the influence, her reaction is to reproach him for his behavior, and that's the worst time to attempt to communicate with him. In fact it can't be done without triggering a family war.
Until she learns what is wrong with her attitude and how to change herself so he will be forced to face his responsibilities, the situation isn't likely to improve.
If a man married a woman because she's shy, timid and submissive, he unconsciously chose a wife who would satisfy his need to dominate. If she turns out to be an addict, he will have the complete dependent he wants, no matter how desperately he thinks he wants her sober. He, too, will cover up her drinking, protect her from public disgrace, and assume all the responsibilities which should be hers.
Such distorted relationships are often found in substance abuse marriages, and they inevitably lead to the drying up of communication which is vital to a good marriage.
We can make verbal communication effective if we never lose sight of the fact that the substance abuser is sick; he has a disease for which it is unfair to blame or punish him. But he must be told- at the right time and without anger or reproach- what he has done and is doing.
This suggestion, from an AA member, has proved successful in many cases.
"The abuser may experience blackouts. He appears to be functioning, but he usually doesn't remember what he did or said. He suspects that something did happen and his anxiety and nameless guilt are almost unbearable. If you're sorry for him, you might think it's unfair to torture him by telling him what his abuse has led to. But it's kinder and more constructive to relieve his mind and tell him frankly what he needs to know. He has a right to know what his abuse is doing to him. If you go to him without anger and reproach and tell him quietly what happened, you'll be helping him to see himself as he is. "My wife did just this for me and it was the single most helpful thing that ever happened to bring me to sobriety."
" I had no idea how far I had fallen from my own ideals until she came to me one morning and told me what I had done the night before. And as soon as she had spoken her piece, she excused herself and quietly left me to figure out myself what I was going to do about it."
"But the abuser must be allowed to draw his own conclusions. If you tell him how he looked, how he acted, what you think of him for it, it won't work." He'll just fall back on the old excuse "She's picking on me again", and he'll have a grievance against you that will sustain him over this bad time.
Until the spouse has been exposed to the AL-ANON program, she automatically assumes that the abuser could, only if he wanted to, get sober and behave better, so she berates him when he comes home under the influence. And when the phase is past, she hesitates to bring up even urgent problems for fear of giving him reason for another binge.
This brings to mind a meeting that inspired the members to explore their own motivations and to understand how they were performing in their communication with their partners. The topic was:
Do you say what you mean?
Do you mean what to say?
Many of difficulties of achieving good communication lie not only with the abuser, but with the spouse as well. The stresses and uncertainties she lives with each day-the dread, the fear, the anger-have so distorted her reasoning powers that the most of her reactions are emotional and often destructive. The chairman asked the members, "Why don't we say what we mean? Why aren't we honest enough to confront the troublesome partner with some straight truths? They're surely obvious enough, but if we fail to let the abuser know how we feel about things, how will he know? What's going to motivate him to find sobriety if we let him believe that his behavior acceptable?"
Each person spoke in turn; these were the answers.
" I don't say what I think because I want to avoid fights and trouble. I guess I haven't learned to distinguish between saying disagreeable, critical things and making plain statements about a situation that will throw light on them without hurting his feelings." The next speaker said, " I"m afraid to tell him what I think. Usually I think of nothing but criticizing him of what he's doing, and I know that's wrong because he's sick. And whom he's sober he's so nice and kind that I hate to bring up the unpleasant things that happened. And anyway aren't we supposed to work on ourselves in this program? Telling him how we feel about the things he does seem to me the same as taking his inventory."
Commenting on these two remarks, the chairman said, "You know that no improvement can be accomplished unless we're consistent. If we haven't the courage to speak up when the abuser is in a sober phase, he'll just go on believing there is no limit to what we will tolerate. But we have to know what we think before we can say it convincingly. We can't just bury it and hide our heads under a blanket of hope. Our husbands have a right to know what we expect from them. It's up to them to decide whether or not they want to live up to our expectations. Not letting them know how we feel is dishonest. It's just another way of pretending we accept the situation when we don't. It's a cop out. If we want the abuser to face reality, we must face it first, and not be afraid to share our feelings. I don't think that's the same as nagging as long as we don't repeat ourselves, and I don't think it's the same as taking his inventory. What do you think?"
The next member spoke up, " It's bad enough to sidestep saying what we mean, but it's even worse to say what we don't mean. My long standing habit of "blowing my top" when my husband was abusing lasted long after he was sober. I reacted to anything that annoyed me with the first angry words that came to mind. I'd forget that he was just getting back some of his long lost self esteem, and would say something bitter that would undermine it. I guess I wanted to hurt him because of all he'd put me through in the past. But I'm getting over that. I began to realize that the hurtful things I was saying really hit home he actually believed them and I didn't mean them at all! I'm doing better as time goes on, but I have to keep reminding myself, " Don't say it unless you mean it." and that has kept me from saying a lot of things I'd later wish I hadn't."
What emerged out of that meeting was finally summed up by the chairman.
We can say what we mean only if we have the courage to be honest, with ourselves and others. We must know why we are saying it. If it's to impress, belittle, to convey our self pity or resentment, it ought not to be said. That would only widen the rift and we want to close the gap! And we can mean what we say only if we stop the rash statements before they hit the air.
