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gkg21 
11:35pm, November 1, 2009
11-24-09: First of all, I am back on my anti-depressant. I don't think it helps and then when I don't take it for two days, I notice a difference.
I think Thanksgiving is as hard for me as Christmas. As I told a friend of mine, Scotty used to pick turkey off the bird before it was carved...I would playfully slap his hand and then pick a piece off for myself. I make Gooey Butter Cake the day before. When I got up in the morning, one piece was gone...you guessed it. And, when he was younger, I used to make fudge. He would be at his grandparents home (adjoining farms) and run across the field (1/3 mile) for a piece of fudge and a glass of milk. Then, he would run back to their house. These were things only Scott ever did. I miss him so much.
Losing so many others, recently, brought back so many memories. It was like picking at a scab only to have a fresh wound. I HATE funeral homes. I hate the visitation, service, etc. Although none affect me like Scott, they do make me think. Mostly, I don't like to think. I feel numb at these events. I don't really cry. I think others think me cold. (I don't care) But, it is not that I am not sad of their passing, I am. It is just that it makes me think of Scott's passing and service. That is never a nice thing! I really want to remember Scott and feel joy in my memories. For now, the memories just make me sad. Oh, I am so blessed to have them. I know that. But, I know the memories are all I have, now. I want him here! I also know there are many who feel the same way. There are many who have lost their only child or more than one. I can't EVEN imagine! But, the knowing does not help my ache. I think if I had a dozen children and lost one, I would feel the same way.
Anyway, the holidays are upon us. I keep telling myself "One breath at a time." I have said that to so many. Now, if I can remember to take my own advice! The journey continues!
Comments
11-21/22-09: It is VERY late/early depending on how you look at it. I miss Scott so badly I can hardly stand it! I seem to be okay for a bit and then I just tumble totally back! My heart still hurts so much!
Tonight Adam went to Melissa's home to get a couch & chair. Melissa's mom & dad got a new one. Anyway, Melissa's mom sent a scarf/hat/glove set, home with Adam, to give to me. It was a set I gave to her just the Christmas before she passed away. She thought I should have it. It made me so sad! I am barely processing Scott's death. I don't think I have even begun to process Melissa's! My itty-bitty Tinkerbell is gone. I know this. But, I just don't think I really "know" it. And now, Adam has another girlfriend named Melissa! She is a sweetheart but not my "Tink".
Maybe it is the holidays, maybe it is that I have'nt had my anti-depressent in two days, maybe it is just that it just doesn't make sense. I don't know! All I really know is that I feel awful!
And, more than that, I feel awful as a friend. I have not been in contact with any of my friends. Oh, I have forwarded a few e-mails...but, I have not really been in contact. I am just BLAH!
I guess I just want a little cheese with my whine!
Comments
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You are allowed to write your feelings my love.. we have all had similar thoughts and feelings and it helps us all to hear what you have to say.. I am so sorry you are down and please know that we are here for you.. love to you my friend...
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How about some bacon & eggs and a good rant from me? Honey, I'm here and I'm still living it -which seems intolerable at this stage of the game, but I'm with you 100 per cent, had a nice outloud conversation with Shaun last night - Oh yeah, let's have some swiss cheese - OK???? It's ok, they've gone and taken me off my "crutches" for two years without letting me determine when to stop - So, I know.
Can you get back on the anti-depressants to help get you through the holidays?
I have those but they took me off my sedative and plopped some non-narcotic gems in a bottle and said "Take these", you'll feel better - HA.....maybe if I layed comatose for a week, I could wake up and say "Hey", thanks therapists I feel great - I love you - I'm here - going to lay back down because I was up mopping floors at 4:30.............so it's not you - it's us and our contunued journey with grief and how it costs - and we're not going to give in now - we've come way to far to collapse now - My heart goes out to you, love you so much,
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Just lean into all these feelings and be gentle with yourself. I know your friends do not have expectations of you at this time. Prayers for continued healing beamed your way my friend. We are with you on this journey of mothers with broken and splintered hearts. Love and Hugs, Joanie
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Oh Ginger, I understand your heartache, sooo much, missing your prescious scott ...I noticed you are a year behind me, in your grieving process... From my experience through the loss of my Ryan, was sort of the turning point in my grieving process...B/C I don't think any human being, can take much more of that life threating heart ache, for to long...Something happened all of a sudden..I kept praying to God, to please take away the intense pain, over & over & over again..The pain lessoned, to the point of, I can finally bare it.. It almost feels like Ryan is holding my hand, and he is helping me walk through life, without his physical being...I hope this helps, Love Ya, Kelly
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It IS the holidays...it is the absence of something so precious.....it is not having your meds...(please be careful)....it is the heartache that makes us know pain like never before...it is a condition that eases at some point...but as Kelly says...the intensity lets go at certain intervals...who could withstand such gripping pain for an extended length of time? God has helped me as I do really pray and pray and pray...that he will take "this cup" from me...and although I won't see Brandon again this side of Heaven. I have the hope of being with him forever in Heaven. I won't allow anyone to steal that hope from me. So, please know you are in good company...all of us who grieve and know you will always have bad days when you want Scott so badly...and anyone you have "lost"...they aren't lost really, they are "just around the corner. All is well." (from Death is Nothing At All)...a poem read at my son's memorial. God please be with the mother of Scott...she needs Your mighty hand to uphold her through this sorrow. Please give her peace...the peace that passes all understanding. In Christ.....Dale....Brandon's Mom
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You echo what we all feel at one time or another on this path. I am finding that for me, this year has been a series of steps in realizing the finality of death. Actually integrating the reality that my son is not coming back is taking a year. It seems like I have woven a cocoon around the horrible truth, and each passing day reveals another memory, or another flash back that stabs my heart.
Yes, the holidays are a powerful trigger, I feel like in order to deal with them, I will just zone out. I guess I am not lending a helping hand right now. I can only say what we all know, there are no words to describe the profound sorrow of a mother who has lost her child. I hope you can move through the holidays with grace and peace. I know our sons would want us to find peace.
love and light, Rebecca
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Ginger, your feelings are all so familiar to me. It is just such an up and down ride and now with the holidays starting, it just seems to be worse. Just try and continue to take one day at a time.....it's all we can do for now. Thoughts are with you...and hoping you have some better days ahead. Hugs, Kim
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There is a story of a little girl who got home from visiting her friend later than her mother had expected. When her mother asked the reason for the delay, the child said, "I was helping Jane. Her doll broke."
The mother asked, "Did you help her fix it?"
The child said, "No. I helped her cry."
~Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for working Through Grief
by Martha Whitmore Hickman
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Oh Ginger, the knocks keep coming and we haven't healed from the one before. How do we ever recover from losing our children? Then everything after that hits us twice as hard. I am often the same with my friends, I slink away into my own world. I haven't even written a journal on here for ages. trying to keep our head above water all the time takes all the energy we can muster, I'm sure our friends understand that. Big hugs, Carlotte. xox
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Ginger, it seems like this time of the year can trigger almost anything. I will pray the all will be well with you....Hugs to you my friend, Connie
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This time of year this loss is even harder...think of Alex all the time...miss him...and then the next minute I think...I am okay...love my family and my friends...it is like we are two different people...love to you...Karen
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11-06-09: My step-father, who I adored, passed away about 4:30 p.m. today. I am sad!
Comments
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I am so sorry to hear of your sadness, Hugs, Belinda
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I am sorry for your loss. How touching that you adored him, he must have been a wonderful person. So many dads are not there for their children, to have a step-father that was there, is a true blessing.
May he rest in peace in the arms of God.
Hugs, Rebecca
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I'm so sorry. What wonderful memories you must have of him. May those memories and good times always bring a smile to your face. Love, Kelly
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So sorry for another loss so soon. I'm sure he was welcomed with open arms by Scott. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Love to you. Robin
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Sending you love and light as you walk through this transition in your life's journey.
Sincerely,
Jan
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I am so sorry that you have this added pain. My prayers and thoughts are with you all, Love,Peggy
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I'm so sorry, you have to face another loss so soon...I thought life was suppose to get better with age...hopefully knowing your son & stepdad are together now, may help you through this sad time...maybe, just maybe, Scott & your Stepdad will help with some of the unanswered questions you may have...... Love to you! Kelly
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Ginger, I am so sorry about your step- father. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Love, Kim
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Ginger my thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family at this time of loss. ..Love & hugs my friend, Connie
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My sympathy sweetheart - really sorry to read this. Wishing you positive thoughts, and peace to get you through this. Love you always,
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Hugging you tightly dear friend and prayers of comfort...Karen
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Sending prayers and hugs, Julia
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I am so sorry for your loss.
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Big hugs to you my sweet friend. Charlotte. xox
FJsMum
One day at a time one hour at a time.. be good to yourself my friend... love to you..
munrogirl
Getting through the Holiday's is tough. You think we can never do it, but with help, we can.
Hugs to you, Barbara
doxylady
my heart breaks for you as well as for all of us ds moms. this is not right, nor good. i am going to my sister's house and am dreading it in a big way. sometimes i feel i put a damper on things. i try to be upbeat, but the dark hole is always there. i smiled at your thoughts of your son snitching the turkey and loving the fudge...........God bless you, love, donna
misshimsooo
I'm back on my meds too. Thought I was ready, but after not taking them I realize just how benefical they have been. Thanksgiving is Kala's favorite meal. Often throughout the year she'd ask, "Mom, will cook Thanksgiving for dinner tonight"....it was so cute. I miss her cuteness so much. Yes, the journey continues, one breath at a time. Love and hugs, Teri.
RememberKala
Yes just what munrogirl said. "One Day At A Time". Memories are all we have left and I hope that you will have as good a holiday as you can my friend...Hugs, Connie
ConH
i am not going to give you advice...I can't...what you say is so true....I find myself sad at the memories...I wish I could find comfort in them but instead they make me so very sad. I hope one day we can embrace those memories like the hugs we so desperately miss. God be with you on the day of Thanksgiving. I am so thankful I have been chosen to be my Brandon's mom as I know you are for being chosen to be Scott's. What a noble and wonderful calling...for that I am thankful.....Love, Dale ...Brandon's Mom
Kingsdaughter
I'm so sorry for your pain.Your son wouldn't want you to be sad.I know it's gotta be very difficult for you.Please know we are all thinking of you !
hugs oxoxoxoxo
drap
Ginger, I wish I had some advice to make you feel better, but I don't. I feel the same as you....I will just wish you some peace and will keep you in my prayers as we go thru the holidays. Scott reminds me a lot of my Chris....always sneaking in the steal the first piece of turkey !!! And loving getting scolded for it !! We will always miss them, but these special days just seem so empty. Thinking of you.....Love, Kim
KimRW
Ginger, It truly is one day at a time, just getting through the day, the holiday, the birthday etc. I have chosen to ignore Thanksgiving and stay home alone since I cannot be with either of my sons. One is dead and the other is in Florida. I live with my mom and she will be going to my half-sister's house for the meal. I was invited but I really prefer to just stay home and not celebrate what was my son's favorite holiday. I think he loved eating more than anything! Peace be with you, my friend. Love, Belinda
BinkyH