mistyj's Journal

I have decided to make some changes- I need to move on and I can't if I am stuck in this rut.

Coaching job- as much as I love the kids- it is taking a toll on me. The hours, the monatany, the disrespect I get from the board members. I have no time for me or madison- I get home at 8 pm- what am I supposed to do after 12 hours of work- sometimes seven days straight. I am being exploited and used( I am paid very little) It will be hard financially- but I need to make it work. If I budget carefully- I can- this job really costs me money-with gas and eating out, and living life in a rush. This is my first step.

Living situation- I thought this house was a god send- My landlord seemed like a nice guy. I did not think having him live next to me was going to be a problem. I feel like I am being spied on all the time- it started with little things- The it got to the point where I would go outside to wash a load of clothes and he would be standing on the fence looking in my yard with his buddies-He would say I was just showing them the yard, or the patio. He is a single father of a ten year old- He seemed like a nice guy- he reminded me alot of my dad- he started out very flirtatious- Alot like my dad- My dad kould hug and kiss women in  a friendly way- He called girls hun and sweetheart-thats what this guy did- so i allowed it- now it has escalated and I dread paying the rent because i know I am going to be acosted- Plus he is an asshole- he proved that when madison got hurt in his yard on his property- and he blamed her- he left her in the house with two broken arms- road rash from head to toe, a bleeding head and a concussion and did not even call me or an ambulance for that matter. Since then i have had to kiss his ass and let him push himself off on me- becasue I need a place to live- until I can make other arrangenments- I can make this work- But it is taking a toll on me- there is a prospect with a house possibly in the future- maybe It will happen-but I don't want to live there any more- i brought it on myself-but I thought his gestures were innocent. And once again I am in a postin where a man has control of me- He flips on a dime I saw that the night of madisons accident- He has a terrible temper- This is a step I need to take. i feel like a hostage in my own home.

My body- I truly beleive i let myself get fat to build a wall around myself after Tom- If know one wanted to be close to me because of my weight- then no one could hurt me.I can't even work out now because of my hours. I have to eat poor food becasue face it eating healhty is expensive. I have done it before I can do it again- Once I have more time I can take care of myself.

I know I have to make the changes one step at a time- but I am ready. Quitting this job will be step one- I can't move on when everyday is consumed with work. Sorry for all my blabbering about the past these past few days- I just had a backslide and I know I need to make these changes in order to move on.