Journal

Hello all  my DS friends- I have been away a very long time. Not by choice-System at work would not let me read or post- I am now- I have missed you all, I hope you are all well. Life has just moved on, one day at a time. it has been a year since i wrote. Madison and i are doing well. Life through me some serious blows over the year but over-all i am pretty happy. My X and his wife had a baby, so now he has the house the wife, the family- the dreams I was fighting so hard for and he was trying destroy are his now- and that is okay. My life was meant to go down a different path- I was meant to have these kids that i coach in my life,If I had stayed with him- I would not be apart of their lives. I was meant to be here- where i am. I know that now.

I am still in my little house- and though times get tough sometimes, Maddie and I are pretty happy. In august I lost my beloved dog suddenly- was playing and acting like a puppy one minute and then gone in an hour- It nearly killed me- I have a lot of guilt becasue the week prior i was trying to paint my house and get ready for my sisters baby shower- and I was frustrated with my dogs and I was not paying attention to them. I would give anything to have that week back, she was my heart and my life. I miss her so much.

My sister had a baby with a real loser this year- He barely works, treats her like shit, and mooches off my mom- but I have had to distance myself from the situation- I can't fix it, and I know that- God grant me the serenity..........

I am estranged from my mom and sisters- again. My mom basically took what suppsed to be My daughters day ( her senior homecoming) and made it about her and her devastation about a fight her and my grandpa got into  over something I thought was stupid and when i did not jump on her pity party band wagon- I got cussed out by my sister in my own home. I will not tolerate that- I'd like think I have learned and grown in the past four years. I am sad, for the first time since I was twelve I had a realtionship with my mom- but it was at a price- too many boundaries were being crossed- and my girl was getting brought down. I wont put her in front of any relationship- ever.Even if it is my mom.

My brother is getting a divorce- he is hurting pretty bad- she had her second affair. He worked so hard to better himself, to provide for her, and to build his beautiful home. He and I are very close- We have healed together- from our marriages and our abusive childhoods.

I have made plans to move to Washington and start a new beautiful life in one year . it is so beautiful and fresh and pure there. It will be the second part of my life, my daughter is joining the coast guard, time for me. I have not dated because I would not bring a man into my girls life again. I am lonley- but it is for the best. I have a couple "friends" that keep me company. My goal to move is my priority and a realtionship here would not be smart. One of my "friends has helped me get past alot of my imtimacy issues, past the  damage tom left me with. I have lost about 25 pound, my confidence is so much better. My other "friend" is fourteen years younger than me- yeah call me cougar- he is fun and he make me feel young and care free. I feel so much better about myself.

Over all I am happy, but I know I will never be the same- life took me this way for a reason, I am who i am for a reason, and life does truly go on. I keep thinking my dads favorite words- " live, laugh, love"

I hope you all are well- I would like to rekindle some ties- I have missed having DS in my life.