Journal

Sometimes I fall right back into the rut! I had a really great week, last week- I know in my heart I am supposed to be where I am in life. I have had moments in my life this I know I would not have had if I had stayed married to Tom, Like having all my volleyball girls crying and embracing me as they won the league championships Thurs. That was a moment. Like giving my daughter a standing ovation as she had the lead in the school play this week- She would not have been there if I had stayed with tom- she was on the road to self distruction during those last months, she would not have had the high school experience she had- softball, cheerleading, swimming, h20 polo, prom, the play, homecomming- She would have been in continuation school- or worse. I would not have all these pictures on my desk- "The I love you coach Misty'"s would not be here. I would not be coaching.  I know all this!! But I also will never have the moments he is having, his new wife is having. The birth of a new baby, the quiet special nursing moments, first Christmas, first smile- etc. I know it was not in my plan, but it does make me very sad. I was  good wife, I would have been a good mother- it hurts it was stolen from me by the selfish heart of a cruel man!!

I know I gave up experiencing motherhood again- to save the little girl I have- he was destroying her, he was grooming her for something very dark, and she was going to destroy herself-she is happy now- she has had so much fun in school, she has so many friends, she laughs all the time, and is 100% herself. I am for the most part happy, just so tired becasue it is a struggle being a single mom in the economy. rent is through the roof, groceries are 3x's what they were when I was on my own before, gas it outrageous. It is hard, but we are happy.

I hate going to target and seeing all the happy housewives with their cute haircuts and beautiful children- they all look like her!! I know I need to get past this, I am just in a rut-My move to washington will be my fresh start- right now I work to many hours to really enjoy life. But my goal is to do like my dad said- Look for the good and praise it!!!

My hope is too find peace, continue my path to mental wellness, and to truly be happy.

I hope you all are well-

Hello all  my DS friends- I have been away a very long time. Not by choice-System at work would not let me read or post- I am now- I have missed you all, I hope you are all well. Life has just moved on, one day at a time. it has been a year since i wrote. Madison and i are doing well. Life through me some serious blows over the year but over-all i am pretty happy. My X and his wife had a baby, so now he has the house the wife, the family- the dreams I was fighting so hard for and he was trying destroy are his now- and that is okay. My life was meant to go down a different path- I was meant to have these kids that i coach in my life,If I had stayed with him- I would not be apart of their lives. I was meant to be here- where i am. I know that now.

I am still in my little house- and though times get tough sometimes, Maddie and I are pretty happy. In august I lost my beloved dog suddenly- was playing and acting like a puppy one minute and then gone in an hour- It nearly killed me- I have a lot of guilt becasue the week prior i was trying to paint my house and get ready for my sisters baby shower- and I was frustrated with my dogs and I was not paying attention to them. I would give anything to have that week back, she was my heart and my life. I miss her so much.

My sister had a baby with a real loser this year- He barely works, treats her like shit, and mooches off my mom- but I have had to distance myself from the situation- I can't fix it, and I know that- God grant me the serenity..........

I am estranged from my mom and sisters- again. My mom basically took what suppsed to be My daughters day ( her senior homecoming) and made it about her and her devastation about a fight her and my grandpa got into  over something I thought was stupid and when i did not jump on her pity party band wagon- I got cussed out by my sister in my own home. I will not tolerate that- I'd like think I have learned and grown in the past four years. I am sad, for the first time since I was twelve I had a realtionship with my mom- but it was at a price- too many boundaries were being crossed- and my girl was getting brought down. I wont put her in front of any relationship- ever.Even if it is my mom.

My brother is getting a divorce- he is hurting pretty bad- she had her second affair. He worked so hard to better himself, to provide for her, and to build his beautiful home. He and I are very close- We have healed together- from our marriages and our abusive childhoods.

I have made plans to move to Washington and start a new beautiful life in one year . it is so beautiful and fresh and pure there. It will be the second part of my life, my daughter is joining the coast guard, time for me. I have not dated because I would not bring a man into my girls life again. I am lonley- but it is for the best. I have a couple "friends" that keep me company. My goal to move is my priority and a realtionship here would not be smart. One of my "friends has helped me get past alot of my imtimacy issues, past the  damage tom left me with. I have lost about 25 pound, my confidence is so much better. My other "friend" is fourteen years younger than me- yeah call me cougar- he is fun and he make me feel young and care free. I feel so much better about myself.

Over all I am happy, but I know I will never be the same- life took me this way for a reason, I am who i am for a reason, and life does truly go on. I keep thinking my dads favorite words- " live, laugh, love"

I hope you all are well- I would like to rekindle some ties- I have missed having DS in my life.