Journal

Well, as of last night, NOT PREGNANT AGAIN. I really don't know how much more I can take of this disappointment month after month. I try and be so positive each time and it's just about wore me out. I can't stop crying or can't believe that this is not working. We have spent about $4000 since last Aug and still do not have a baby. I can't believe it. I don't know how much longer I can be on this site anymore. I am happy for everyone that have become pregnant, but it's almost to hard to keep checking on here and more and more are pregnant and here I am just reading all and feeling worse and worse. I really am almost done with all this, it's really heartbreaking and no one seems to understand how I feel or what I am going through and I"m so F&^^%%& sick of it I just want to scream to the whole world. I can't handle it anymore and it's just too much to bear most days. The disappointment is overwhelming and life is just revolving around my emotional rollercoaster. I can't deal with it anymore, just pisses me off and really isn't fair. How much can one person take, I mean really. I pray and scream out to god and everyone says, keep trying, keep positive, it will work, God will help and answer, well, it's been almost a year and I haven't heard a word. I am a good person and I see all these trashy, teenage, money hungry women pregnant with their 4th, 5th child in that waiting room each month, I see women hitting their children, living in filth, screaming at their precious children and they keep having more, is that fair??? NO, NOT AT ALL. It's the ones that want children so badly that can't have them and the ones that shouldn't have them pop them out left and right, is that God's will??? I don't know anymore, I am beyond words and feelings right and just can't take this anymore.