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Arcane 
Been out of work for a month or so. I'm happy living in Chicago. The public transportation is amazing
and allows me to get around. but I've been told I'm useless by my father, and my brother who is very succcessful has turned his back on me. I'm too proud to admit my problems to my friends, and in the interest of saving face don't confide in them. I think I'm beyond their help anyways. My anxiety prescription is running out. Don't have enough cash to pay rent and get checked out. I hate nystagmus.
It's funny because I don't look at people, but I'm lucky that women seem to take an interest in me. But it quickly fades away because i'm evasive and don't look them in the eyes. The other day I tried to get some dark glasses. They told me to tint them red for my condition which I thought was kind of cool, because of my former life as a musician. My brother laughed at me when he saw them. He's been putting me down most of my life, and all I've ever been trying to do is be more like him so my Dad can be proud of me. I'm 28. I don't want to be a burden on anyone, but i'm afraid my state of mind and fear of daylight just gets in the way. I could talk about the good things, but not now. If only I could find a job that lets me have some dignity and that I can do well and be able to afford living. I was looking for a support group of any kind. When you're trying to live off a $400 dollar disability check and your rent is way more, you can't afford to see much of the city. I'm a social creature by nature sometimes and want to be around people without having to spend money on drinks. I wish there was a support group for anything I could go to just to hang out. Its hard to feel sorry for yourself in this city with all the homeless around, but I kind of do. I think I'm gonna jbe joining them soon enough. (I always gave change when I was working.) My condition makes it very hard to find a job. So I'm gonna try to find some volenteer work tomorrow if I can motivate myself to leave the house. Maybe I can network thorugh there and somebody might find something for me. The lighthouse for the blind hasn't gotten back to me. I sent them an e-mail about vocational services. What gets me is they used to tell our generation everything would be allright if you get a college degree. I got one from Drake in Iowa--a lot of good it did me. Just student loans.
I've never met anyone with Nystagmus. Most people just talk about their kids who have it. I feel for the parents. I gave mine so much grief in my struggle to be normal, and it seems like it won't ever end. I could use a friend who understands.
