estrellaSMC's Journal

I'm not sure if anybody remembers, but a while ago I was looking for information on signs of abusive people. I saved all of this in a file on my computer. Recently, a guy friend of mine (NOT a boyfriend, but we could have headed in that direction easily) started ignoring me for long periods of time, and I grew sick and tired of it. So I wrote a letter, telling him that the friendship was over. I haven't sent it yet, because it partially a venting letter.

Anyway, I remembered something in our conversations that had been a red flag for an abusive person, so I looked it up in my file so I could put the exact quote in my letter. Well, while I was in there, I read through and found that there was quite a bit more that applied to this friend than I had originally thought. Here's the letter (Jonathan's the guy's name, in case you didn't figure that out):

-

I started writing this as a letter making excuses for why I couldn't spend time with you this weekend. I realize now why I did that. I was afraid of your reaction. I didn't want to make you angry at me. That is not a good way to feel about a friend, especially a friend I used to feel so close to. Friends as close as I felt towards you should be able to talk about anything without fear.

Did you really think you could barely contact me for almost a month and then one day come waltzing back and expect things to go on as if that month hadn't happened? I don't think so! Even I don't expect that to happen when I lose touch with a friend for a certain amount of time, either because I lose a way to contact them or because I get lazy or something comes up that causes me to forget to write to them. Life happens, even when friends, even good friends, aren't there.

It's over, Jonathan. Our friendship is over. I've moved on. I had literally forgotten all about you by the time you emailed me again. One day, maybe about halfway along in your house sitting, I thought of you. It took me a minute to remember who you were. Then, I wondered why I hadn't heard from you for a while and then remembered about you talking about house sitting for a friend. I was then able to release you from my mind. I've moved on.

You said on your profile on the online dating site where we first met that you want people to be understanding. It's not understanding. It's sympathy. Oh poor Jonathan has Asperger's Syndrome. Oh poor Jonathan has depression. Oh poor Jonathan has anxiety. Or poor Jonathan can't walk without a cane at times because of circulation issues. Oh poor Jonathan has vision trouble. Oh poor Jonathan isn't creative like I am so he can't help out with raising money for the Asperger's Syndrome Meetup (I caught that one, disguised as a compliment). Oh poor Jonathan was born three months early so he had a rough start in life and thus deserves two middle names in a poor attempt to make up for it. Oh poor Jonathan wasn't physically fit to pass the army's fitness tests so he had to drop out. Oh poor Jonathan couldn't go to tech school like he wanted to because his parents wanted him to go to college. Oh poor Jonathan. Oh poor Jonathan.

Hello?! What about me? Oh poor me, I have Asperger's Syndrome. Oh poor me, I have anxiety. Oh poor me, my father was emotionally abusive and is still a jerk. Oh poor me, I have low self esteem. Oh poor me, I can't get a job because I didn't have one in college because I wanted to focus on my studies. Oh poor me, I have very few friends. Oh poor me, a female minister I used to consider my friend turned out to be a real jerk and told me she wasn't right in the middle of an upset, which I tried unsuccessfully to resolve that happened just before I left to move away so I could start college causing even more emotional pain and forcing me to see that the friendship I thought I'd had with her was nonexistent and deal with the emotional pain that still hasn't completely gone away even after five years. Oh poor me, I lost my horse who I loved more than anything else in the world because she was young and rambunctious and Mom and I were too inexperienced. Oh poor me, I waited too long to tell the first guy I ever liked (a guy in college) that I liked him and before I could, he got a girlfriend. I have my fair share of issues and reasons to indulge in self pity, but do I sit around and say "Oh poor me" all the time? No! I struggle and fight and work through it all. Don't you know how I have managed to make progress these past years? It's partly because I had good therapists, I admit, but it was mostly because I worked hard and struggled with it. I have continued to struggle and grow and will continue to for the rest of my life. I don't just sit at home all the time not bothering to apply. I keep trying. I take web site design jobs for friends, which helps me because then I can tell potential employers that I have "real world" experience, which makes me more appealing to them. There are things I know I won't be able to change. These I have had to work at letting go of and coming to peace with. I don't think I'll ever be able to quite let go of what happened and is still happening with my dad, but I have found other places to look for fatherly affection. I have dreams, too. I have dreams of success: a good job that I love and a house with a lot of land and horses.

I don't see any sign of things like that with you. You seem perfectly happy just to sit at home and wallow in self pity. You could never hold a job because of your depression. You'd get a job and then depression would hit and you'd stay home and lose your job like *snaps fingers* that.

This is a harsh world, Jonathan. Especially for an Aspie. The fighters, like me, are the ones who actually get things done and have good lives. The "oh poor me"s, like you, never get anywhere. They end up in out of the way jobs earning the minimum wage and collecting social security. That's no way to live. A therapist tried to convince me that was the best I could do in life. I said "I don't think so!" and will continue to say that until I make it and can say "look at me now!"

Don't try to apologize and grovel and beg for me back, Jonathan. It won't work. Abusers do that all the time for the people they abuse, promising that they'll change, and then when the person comes back to the abuser, the abuser forgets these promises and goes back to their old abusive ways. I am not going to fall into that trap.

I am not saying that you are an abuser, but you do have abusive tendencies and display red flags. I have ignored them in the past, but I cannot any longer.

'Does he refuse to talk and listen?' is the first red flag. You have done both not talking and not listening. Sometimes I have asked you questions and received no answers. Or I have made a comment and you haven't acknowledged it. Related to that piece of this red flag is 'Has he lied to you, hidden things from you?' Other times, I couldn't get you to stop talking so I could get a word in edgewise.

'Does he dislike or degrade his mother?' is another one. I well remember how on your birthday you said that you hadn't taken your cell phone with you so that people couldn't reach you. You mentioned your mother and how she was always calling to check in on you and you did it with a nasty, mocking tone in your voice. That was the first red flag that I actually noticed and it gave me an unpleasant feeling.

'Does he insult your friends and family?' I also heard that tone you used when you have imitated my mom. It was similar to the one you used when imitating your mom, and I won't have that.

'Does he make excuses for not working?' You have done this from the beginning. You blamed it on your Asperger's, though I think that it's probably more likely your depression.

'Does he tell you about past affairs?' Well, you've told me about past girlfriends. I'm not sure if this counts as past affairs, but I know that you are sexually active so I feel fairly confident betting that at least some of them were actual affairs.

'Do you rehearse what you will say' or, in my case, write, 'so as not to make him angry?' and 'Do you fear his reactions?' are two more. I often have read and reread, and even had mom read the emails that I have sent to you, especially ones that were difficult subjects. I didn't want to upset you because I was afraid you'd get mad at me. Even when I sat down to write this email, I was doing it again: making excuses for why I couldn't spend time with you instead of just telling you right out that I don't want to be your friend any more. I'm sick of it.

'Does he make you feel stupid, ignorant, or incompetent?' and 'Has he ever made you feel small, insulted, abandoned, hurt or useless?' When I told you I enjoyed fan fiction, you talked about it and your friends who read and wrote it in a negative way and that made me feel like you thought I was like that, too. That didn't make me feel good.

'Has he ignored you for long periods of time?' Every time you would go away, both when you went on vacation and when you were house sitting in Montpelier, I barely heard from you. Then there were the times that you were having a bout of depression when you would vanish off the face of the earth for a while.

'Discounting: Discounting causes partners to believe something is truly wrong with their basic communication skills. Discounting is an insidious technique utilized by abusers to sustain control. If the partner says "I was hurt when you said..." or "I feel bad when you shout at me. . . " he'll discount her feelings with the message: "You're feelings and memories are wrong, so they're worthless". It's all too common for a partner to trust him and come to believe that there is something intrinsically wrong with her sense of reality, humor or perceptions. She may spend hours trying to figure out how it is that she comes across the way he says she does. These discounting statements are meant to avoid taking responsibility for his hurtful behavior, and avoid empathizing with her. If he accepted her pain as real, he'd be a step closer to the reality that he caused it. In his combative mind, this could strip him of his power by making him look bad (like a bully).' There have been times when I have said something and you have brushed me off, saying I was jumping to conclusions or that I should stop worrying so much.

'Trivializing: Trivializing says what you've done or expressed is unimportant or useless. Trivializing can be very calculated and made to sound "helpful". The partner is left feeling crestfallen, but isn't quite sure why. When trivializing is done in a candid and sincere tone of voice, it can be virtually undetectable. Often the partner trusts her abuser, so she may listen with an open mind to the abuser's comments and end up feeling perplexed that he doesn't understand her work or her interests. Women who have been trivialized often believe they haven't been able to communicate that certain things are quite important to her. Her abuser trivializes her accomplishments, work, and passions, leaving her wondering "did I not mention that I'm proud of (or I love) that?" She's in her reality, where it's impossible to believe he meant to cut her down, so she believes she hasn't explained herself very well. It's confusing, because unless he's deaf and blind, how could he love her and not know her? She's left feeling lonely and misunderstood, and he subtly puffs up from another power victory.' I know I've told you about how special and important my graduation from college was, but I never felt like you understood what a great accomplishment it was for me because every time you would immediately start talking about something else.

'Forgetting: Abusive forgetting is a form of manipulative denial. The abuser bluntly denies the partners reality, and in doing so shuts down any possibility of communication. To her, it feels like a scornful brick wall. We all forget things sometimes; but this is not genuine oblivion; it's denial that an event (interactions, usually) happened at all. These "forgotten" events usually had great impact on a partner. Victims of abusive anger often try to discuss incidents with their abuser to resolve issues in the hopes of avoiding the same explosion in the future. He will deny it ever happened with an accusatory comment like "What are you talking about? I don't have to listen to this!" Some abusers consistently "forget" making the promises which are the most important to their partner, "forgetting" an agreement to some arrangement that she needed his support to succeed at something; like mailing an important work document when she couldn't. "I never agreed to that!" or "I don't know where you got that idea?"' Remember how you promised and we agreed that we would never let a day go by without writing to each other? When that promise slid, it felt like this kind of forgetting.

I was hoping that our friendship would just die a natural, peaceful death. It would have been easier emotionally for both of us if this had happened because we both have had friends who broke a friendship in a particularly explosive and hurtful way. For a while that seemed to be what was happening, but now I see that it won't work. I'm sorry it came down to this, but it's what I want and feel like I need. I know that I will probably still see you at the Aspie groups, but I will not save you a seat next to me, or ask Mom to give you a ride home with me after the group, or go out of my way to make sure we have a ride together if the group goes somewhere else for the Meetup like we did that time we went to the beach. Also, you are welcome to come to church, but Mom and I won't give you a ride there and back, and you are not to sit with us.

-

Mom said, when I showed her that letter that it was the most articulate venting letter she'd ever seen and even said she almost wanted to encourage me to send it to him.Only the fact that he'd probably react badly and that it wouldn't do anything to change him kept her from telling me to send it to him.

She also said that I had a good grasp on the subtleties of abuse. without Daily strength, though, I wouldn't have had that. So I wanted to thank everyone on Daily Strength, because without you and your posting your red flags, I would never have seen him as abusive. Yes, I would have cut the friendship, but I wouldn't have understood the severity of what was really going on. So, thank you.