estrellaSMC's Journal

My feelings are really up in the air tonight. A lot of things have been going on recenty, and I feel like I need to get everything out.

First, there's stuff going on with a certain male aquaintance of mine. I have a crush on him (see, aikijedi? I have gotten to the place where I can acknowledge that it is a crush.), but it's a crush I don't want to have because he is completely and totally forever off limits for a romantic relationship. I want to be friends with him, maybe be like brother and sister with him someday. I don't want to have this crush that makes me feel so nervous and tongue tied around him. Not only do I have the crush on him, but I was looking at information on flirting for a story I'm working on and found, much to my chagrin, that I had been unconsciously flirting with this guy. Nothing serious, just looking at him for too long and/or too often. Still, it was enough to unnerve me. I have since been very careful not to look at him, but I do slip and glance over at him every so often. What can I say? He's eye candy. However, I think he knows and is uncomfortable about my crush on him. He has never warmed up to me the way he did to my mom. It has really been painful for me to see them jabbering away, totally comfortable around each other and feel left out or hear stories from Mom about something he did while with her and I wasn't there. Yet, at the same time, I love hearing these stories, and having him talk to Mom means I'm probably nearby. There's a part of me that doesn't want Mom to be friends with him because it makes me feel left out, but the other part of me says that's not fair and I shouldn't tell her she can't hang out with him just because he doesn't like me. Another part of me wants to ask Mom to ask the guy how he does feel about me, but that might not be appropriate.

I have Facebook, and every so often I run a search to see what people I know have Facebook accounts so I can add them as friends. Well, today I ran my search and found that this guy has created a Facebook account since the last time I did a search. I want to add him as a friend so badly. I talked to Mom about it, and she seems to think that it would be okay for me to do this if I thought I could handle having him refuse my friend request. Later I got to thinking and wondered if doing this would give him the wrong impression (that I want him for my boyfriend) and increase the awkwardness between us? I'm thinking that I will try it anyway and see what happens. I would be SO HAPPY if he agreed to be friends with me, at least on Facebook.

I also met someone online. I started looking initially because of two things. First is that I'm a computer person so it made sense that I might give it a try. Second is that while asking around to see if anybody had any advice on how to get rid of an unwanted crush, someone suggested finding a new love interest. Those two things combined and I created profiles on a few dating web sites. I then decided that I would favorite people in my area and see if any of them got back to me. However, one day I was poking around one of the web sites and found that there was someone who lived in the same area i did and was a fellow Aspie (Person with Asperger's Syndrome...a learning difference that I have). I felt like I just HAD to get to know this guy since we Aspies are pretty rare, so I broke my rule and contacted him first. We've been messaging and emailing back and forth for a while now. I told him up front that I want to take it slow because of Dad making it so I didn't want to have a romantic relationship for a long time. In fact, I have only started to be slightly interested in romance in the past two years. He agreed. Anyway, we've been talking about meeting. There's a group for people with Asperger's in my area and that was one place we talked about both of us going and meeting there. It seems like a safe place to me. Another safe place would be my church. I have told him a little about my church and he seemed interested in going to a service, so that would be another way to meet. I'm a little nervous aobut meeting him because of all the horror stories you hear about what happens when two people who have been contacting each other online decide to meet, but if I meet him either at the Aspie group meeting or at church, I feel like I will be fairly safe.

I think that's everything...for now, anyway. Maybe now that I've gotten all that off my back I can get some sleep..