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estrellaSMC 
1:04pm, July 10, 2009
Oh, have you ever been lied to? Maybe mistreated? Taken for granted'Til you just can't stand it? Were you ever mistaken? Thought to be someone
That you just can't be? So, where's the love you need?
(Love takes time Please be kind See every part of me) Cause I wanna be loved!
(Love ain't blind Ties that bind Take on eternity)
Oh, would you like to be trusted? Well, for once in your life? Carry that fire
Without burnin' each other Are you easily angry? Oh, can you bury your pride? Could you ever forgive me And not keep it inside??
(Love takes time Please be kind See every part of me) Cause I wanna be loved!
(Love ain't blind Ties that bind Take on eternity) Cause I wanna be loved!
(Love takes time Please be kind See every part of me) Oh, yeah!
(Ties that bind Take on eternity)
Hey! make a sacrifice sometimes Maybe more than you planned Don't you hate to go through The pain it takes to make a stand A hardened heart or a heartache To admit that you're wrong And though it's hard It hardly matters if that love is gone Make a sacrifice sometimes!
(Love takes time Please be kind See every part of me) Cause I wanna be loved! (Love ain't blind Ties that bind Take on eternity, on eternity) (Love takes time
Please be kind See every part of me, every part of me) (Love ain't blind Ties that bind Take on eternity, on eternity Love takes time Please be kind) Please be kind! (See every part of me)
—Love Takes Time by Bryan Duncan
Estrella looked around the dining room with a smile. The tables were set up in diagonal rows across the room with chairs around them. Each one was covered in a white table cloth. Salt and pepper shakers were available on every table, as well as questionnaires for the diners to fill out and brochures that gave information about the church. Plastic snowflakes of all sizes dangled from the ceiling. Estrella knew that if they had any tall guests they would have to be careful not to bang their heads on them. Around the pillars that Estrella assumed helped to support the ceiling were wound silver and blue tinsel garlands. There were two metal rolling stands with buckets of water and paper towels for washing and drying trays so they could be reused at either side of the room. An ornately carved table in one corner was being used as the place where people got their drinks. At one end of the room was the doorway through which the diners would come. At the other was another door leading from the sanctuary. Sometimes diners came through that door, too. The lights gave the room a warm and welcoming feeling to the dining area. Estrella thought that it accurately reflected the mood of the church.With a few minutes until their doors opened, Estrella darted into the bathroom to make sure everything was in order. She checked each stall for toilet paper and the paper towel dispenser to make sure it was full. She checked the trash to make sure it was empty. Then, just before she left, she turned to the mirror. Her bright red curly hair was flying every which way, as usual. Having no brush or comb, she made do with her fingers. She pulled her purple and yellow star shaped First Night dining room worker badge out of the pocket of her purple sweatpants and pinned it to her lavender colored turtleneck shirt. She leaned over and tucked the edge of her pants into her black ankle-high boots. Normally she wouldn’t fuss about her appearance like this, but tonight she was a representative of College Street Church. She wanted to look her best for working in the dining room that evening. She turned and left the bathroom with a smile. She was ready.(break line)They started coming slowly. That was always how it was. They slowly trickled in when the supper started at four o’clock. Slowly the trickle would become a stream. From there it would become a river. Then at about five thirty, it would become an absolute flood of people. Estrella would be kept busy wiping down trays, drying them off, and running them back to the kitchen so they could be reused.It always felt, at first, as though they were too ready. Too eager to do things. And it always seemed as if they didn’t quite know their own places that night. But eventually things would be sorted out. Each dining room worker would find his or her niche in things and from then on it would run like clockwork.A few hours later that evening everyone had settled into his or her place in the dining room. Estrella looked up from her work and spotted her mother, Mary, entering the room with a tray. She, too, was working that evening, but her shift hadn’t started yet. She was dressed in one of Estrella’s favorite outfits that night. She had on a raspberry colored V-neck sweater and under it was a light pink turtle neck shirt. Her pants were black, as were her shoes. Her grey hair was worn half up, clipped in a barrette, and half out of the barrette.Since it was still pretty early in the evening and things hadn’t sped up yet, Estrella went over to her mother. She slipped into the spot next to her and said, “Hi Mom,”“Hi Estrella,” her mother said, putting her arm around Estrella’s shoulders and squeezing. Estrella leaned against her with a smile. “How’s it going?”“Good,” Estrella said. “It hasn’t sped up much yet, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to come over.”“I guessed that,” Mary said. Then she looked at Estrella, “Has your father showed up yet?”“Not yet,” Estrella said, remembering her father’s ‘announcement’ last Saturday during the weekly visit. “I’m thinking of maybe bringing my friend and her granddaughter up here for First Night.”These words, spoken by Estrella’s father, Peter, caused Estrella’s head to snap around to meet the eyes of Mary. She was sitting across the room from where Estrella and her father sat at opposite ends of the couch. Estrella didn’t really know what to think about this development.After a moment’s silence, Mary said, “Well, I’d better get up and get going on the weekly grocery shopping.” With that she stood up and went around the corner to get her coat. As she was leaving the room, she indicated that Estrella should come too. Estrella excused herself from her father, got up, and followed her mother.“If you don’t want him to come to the chili supper, you have to explicitly tell him not to come,” Mary said once the two of them were alone.Estrella nodded. “Okay,” she said. She had gotten over the shock of her father’s announcement and now she was curious about this “friend” of her father’s. She’d heard about this “friend” before, who she and her mother knew was a girlfriend. She thought she would be okay meeting her and her granddaughter. Some of Mary’s friends came at that moment and sat at the table. They all started talking and Estrella couldn’t get a word in edgewise, so she got up again and resumed her duties.About a half an hour after her mother had gone, Estrella carefully washed and wiped off another tray and added it to the stack. She looked at the number of trays she had and decided it was time to take them to the kitchen so they could be reused. She picked them up and walked around the tables.There, standing over next to the drinks was a thin man with grey, thinning, straight, and fairly short hair. He also wore glasses, which always looked too big for his face. His shirt was grey, with a black polar fleece vest over it. His pants were grey colored jeans, and there was a large hole below the left knee. He was also wearing a pair of old, worn brown shoes that Estrella knew he’d had for years. She knew this because this man was her father. She had to walk right past him to get to the door that led to the kitchen. As she passed him, they made eye contact and nodded at each other.As she was coming back from dropping off her trays, Estrella looked around the room for her father. She knew that his “friend” and her granddaughter would be sitting with him. She didn’t have to look too hard. They were sitting at a table near the drink table.She spotted her father first. He was talking on his cell phone, as he often did. Next to him was a woman with short black hair. She had on a dark blue shirt and blue jeans. She also had a scowl on her face, Estrella noticed. Maybe from Dad talking on the cell phone while they were right there? she wondered. Anyway, it looks as if Dad has met his match, she thought, somewhat satisfied, remembering how her father would, when he would display any emotion at all, display a negative one like annoyance. On the other side of the girlfriend was a little girl with shoulder length brown hair. She had on a pink jumper, pink and white striped shirt, white stockings, and black shoes. She looked to be about four years old.Estrella lingered by the table for a few minutes, hoping her father would notice her and introduce her to them. Unfortunately, nothing happened and, frustrated, she gave up and went back to work.Every so often, while her father was there, Estrella would glance over at him. She hoped he would make some kind of move. Some kind of motion that would tell her, “Come here.” He paid absolutely no attention to her. He appeared to be all wrapped up in paying attention to his new girlfriend and her granddaughter.Suddenly she saw another familiar figure out of the corner of her eye. A tall, skinny man with dark hair and a beard was standing near her father and talking to him. His shirt was pale blue and he wore a dark green vest with the name of the church written in gold letters on the left side of the front. It was David, the pastor of the church. Suddenly Estrella saw her father point at her with his right hand, arm extended. She smiled and threaded her way through the crowd. Maybe this was when he would introduce her. She could hear David’s voice exclaim, “Oh! That’s right! You came for her baptism!”She stood near her father as he talked to David. He didn’t even seem to notice she was there. Frustrated, she went back to work. She would probably never be introduced to them at this rate.A few minutes later Estrella saw her father stand up and hold out the tray that he had used to her. One of the other workers in the dining room was closer to him than Estrella was and started to take it. Estrella quickly jumped in front of him. “Oh no you don’t!” she said. “I’ll take that! He’s my father!” She took the tray from her father. She threw away the empty chili bowls, forks, spoons, napkins, and other trash. She then emptied out the soda cans into a white bucket set out specifically for the purpose. Someone, she assumed it was probably the little girl, had left some soda in the can. Then she tossed the cans into the recycling bin. Lastly, she took the tray to the wash down stand and cleaned it off, put it in the stack.Estrella turned around to see her father, his “friend,” and the little girl heading towards the exit to the dining room. They came here for dinner and I don’t even get a chance to meet them? Estrella thought.Just then, they suddenly turned around. Her father, Estrella noticed, was carrying the little girl. “Estrella,” her father said, “I’d like you to meet Morgan. She’s been wanting to meet you.” Morgan leaned against Estrella’s father. “Can you say ‘hi’?” he asked her. When there was no response from Morgan, he looked at Estrella, “She’s shy,” he said.Estrella then looked at her father’s “friend.” Her dad hadn’t told Estrella her name. Peter’s friend seemed to be able to read Estrella’s look, because she put a hand to her chest and introduced herself. “I’m Janice,” she said.After her father, Janice, and Morgan were gone, another wave of people came pouring in. Estrella was busy cleaning trays and returning them to the kitchen. She had no time to think or have feelings about what had just happened register.When she finally did get a chance to sit down for a well earned rest, the feelings hit her like a draft horse’s hoof in her stomach. She remembered how her father had held the little girl. Morgan. Held her like he had never held Estrella. She remembered how Morgan had snuggled up against her father. Her father, not Morgan’s. A lump formed in her throat and tears came to her eyes. She quickly blinked them away. It wouldn’t be good to break down now. Not here, with all these people around. Why should she care, anyway? Her father had always been such a jerk to her… Estrella’s father was sitting at his computer, working, as he always did. Six-year-old Estrella went up to him. “Dad?” she asked.“Yeah?” he said, looking away from the computer screen.“I’m bored,” Estrella said with a pout. “Will you play a game with me?”“Sorry,” her father said. “I have a lot of things I have to do.”Estrella turned around and walked away. “Mom would have played a game with me,” she muttered under her breath. She didn’t notice the ‘I heard that’ look her father shot her.A few minutes later Estrella was playing with Blueberry and Clover, a couple of stuffed cats that people in her family had made for her. Blueberry was dark blue in color with white button eyes. Clover was green, and her button eyes were yellow. She suddenly saw her father walk past. Leaving her cats, she got up. “Dad?” she asked, “Can I get on your computer since you’re not using it?”Peter thought for a moment. “You can have it for half an hour,” he said.Estrella scampered off and clambered up onto the tall metal chair her father used. She spent half an hour happily drawing pictures of horses and cats using Microsoft Paint. She saved some of her favorite drawings in a folder on the desktop labeled “Estrella’s things.” When the half hour was up, she reluctantly got off the chair and returned to Blueberry and Clover.It seemed like she had just gotten engrossed in imagining an adventure for her two kitties when her father appeared in the doorway. “Estrella!” he scolded, “You did something to my computer!”Estrella looked up at her father. Her green eyes widened. “I did not!” she exclaimed. “I only used Paint! I’ve used Paint before and nothing went wrong!”“Then why is the computer not working now?” Peter asked, scowling at Estrella behind his glasses. “It was working fine when I got off. You were the only one who used the computer between then and now. You must have done something other than Paint.”“I didn’t, I swear,” Estrella said, clutching Blueberry and Clover to her while tears filled her eyes. “Honest.” Peter, still scowling, turned around and left the room. She suddenly shook away the memory and looked up. There was David, walking around the tables towards where Estrella was sitting. She felt her heart lift a little bit, and a smile tugged at the corners of her mouth. David had that effect on her. He was such a kind, caring man. He looked over at where she was sitting, smiled, and made his way over to her. He plopped down in a chair next to hers. “Hey,” he said. His dark brown eyes showed concern for her. It was almost as if he had known she was hurting and came to comfort her. “How are you doing?”“Okay,” Estrella said. Now that you’re here, she mentally added.“You know,” David said, pointing at the snowflakes hanging from the ceiling, “Those snowflakes remind me of a story Eric Stevenson once told me.”“Who?” Estrella asked.“Oh, Eric doesn’t go to church here,” David said. Estrella nodded. David continued. “Anyway, he was walking in the woods one day with a group of friends. Suddenly, up ahead, he saw a clump of snowflakes just hanging in midair. Thinking he was seeing things, he asked his friends if they saw it, too. They did. Thinking this was a strange thing, they decided to check it out. Do you know what it was?”“What?” Estrella asked breathlessly, caught up in the story David was telling.“It was a spider web,” David said. “It had caught the snow, and it hadn’t broken under the weight of it. Think how strong that web was. You know, it struck me that the spider web is like life. Weak, beautiful, yet strong when necessary. It’s something to think about, huh?”“Yeah,” Estrella said. She gave her head a quick shake, realizing that the fog of tiredness was beginning to set in a little bit. “Sorry if I’m ‘Yes’ing and ‘No’ing a lot,” she said. “I’m tired, and I get like that when I’m tired.”David’s eyes twinkled. “Well, you see, I’m just the opposite. When I get tired, I tend to talk more. For me, it’s more of an effort to listen than talk.” Estrella suppressed a snicker at this revelation. She didn’t know why she found that funny. Sometimes the strangest things seemed funny when she was tired.“David,” the coordinator of the dinner, Mary Alice, came up to them. “Could I ask you a favor?”“Sure,” David said, smiling at her.“Could you check the toilet paper supply in the men’s room? You’re kind of the only one…qualified to do it at this point.” Mary Alice said.“Right,” David said with a chuckle. He got up. “I better take care of that before I forget.” He smiled a goodbye at Estrella and disappeared around the corner leading to the men’s room.Having David sit with Estrella and talk to her was a balm for her. She felt the pain of seeing her father with Janice and Morgan lift ever so slightly so it was bearable. She got up, too. Things had sped up again and so she had to resume her duties.(break line)On the way home, Estrella told Mary all about what had happened in the dining room. “It was like I wasn’t even there,” she said. “It seemed like he was all wrapped up in them. He was being Mr.-perfect-husband-and-father to them…and he’s not even married to her! The little girl isn’t even his! I’m his daughter! Not Morgan! Yet he seems to care more for her than he does for me. It’s so unfair!”Mary was shaking her head in disgust. “If I only saw you once a week and then saw you at the chili supper, I would have gone right up to you and hugged you. I wouldn’t have cared about what other diners would have thought.”“I wouldn’t have, either,” Estrella said, smiling at her mother. Then she rolled her eyes, “But we both know that is not the kind of thing Dad would do.”“I know,” Mary said. “It’s at moments like this that I feel my mother bear instinct rising. I want to hurt him back because he hurt you like that.”“I always appreciate that,” Estrella said, “But I know it wouldn’t be a good idea, nor would it work.”“I know,” Mary said. “But that’s what I feel like doing.”(break line)After First Night, Estrella’s father started to wear a silver ring on the fourth finger of his left hand. The first time Estrella noticed it, her mother was the one to point it out. “Is that a wedding ring?” Mary asked.“What, this?” Estrella’s father asked, looking at the ring, “No.”Later in that same day Estrella and her father were going on to a craft fair in town. Estrella was wearing her class ring. Her father saw this. “Hey look,” he said, “We’re both wearing our rings.”“Yeah,” Estrella said, “I noticed you were wearing one.” His saying this seemed a little odd to Estrella, but she didn’t think much more about it at the time.Several months later, in May, Estrella’s father told Estrella and her mother that he was going to skip the next week’s visit. Things had been hard at work recently, he said, and he felt like he needed some vacation. He had decided to go to Virginia. “I want to go someplace warm,” he said when they asked him why. This was strange, because, it was warm enough for Estrella and her mother where they were living at the time. Why would her father want to be in a place that was warmer than where they were?When Estrella’s father returned from his “vacation,” Estrella’s mother noticed that he had replaced his silver ring with a gold one. There was no decoration of any kind on it. After Estrella’s father left for the day, her mother pointed this out to Estrella. Estrella wondered about the ring. She tried to think of what kinds of rings there were that didn’t have any decoration on them. The only kind she could think of was a wedding ring.Spring and summer passed without mishap, or any more clues surfacing. Estrella began to feel as if she was playing detective, though. Always keeping her eyes out for clues that her suspicions were right.The next “clue” didn’t come until fall. One day Estrella and her father went apple picking. On the way home from their yearly trip, Estrella’s father stopped at a gas station to get gasoline for his Jeep. When he was done filling the Jeep’s tank, he got his wallet, and pulled out several bills to pay for the gas.Estrella looked over at him while he was doing this. She saw his driver’s license. The words were the wrong color. Also, under the words “The state of” were two words, not one like it should have been.The third, and final clue came a few weeks later. Estrella’s father had been talking for weeks about a new car. First, he mentioned that he was going to be getting one. Then he said that he had gotten a new one, but it needed work done on it.Finally, that day her father drove up to Estrella’s house in his new vehicle. He pulled in up to the curb in front of the house. This was strange because he usually drove into the driveway.The vehicle was a dark cranberry red Jeep Grand Cherokee. Estrella couldn’t see the license plates because of the way it was parked in front of her house.Estrella’s mother was out doing grocery shopping when Estrella’s father arrived that Saturday. When she returned, Estrella took the chance to ask her about the license plates. They were plates from a different state than those of his previous vehicle, she was told.(break line)Because of Estrella’s father keeping a secret from her, Estrella began to feel really uncomfortable around him.One Saturday Mary was sitting in the recliner near the window. “Dad’s here,” she said. Estrella was sitting on the couch, in her usual spot at the left end. Great, she thought. After a few minutes, the doorknob turned and the door opened. In came her father, leaning forwards as if he’d had to give the door a good push to get in. “Hello,” he said, walking over to the other end of the couch and sitting down.“Hi,” said Estrella, looking at him and then looking away again. It hurt her neck to look in his direction for too long.“How are classes going?” he asked.“Pretty good,” Estrella said. “I’m busy with school work, as usual.”“Tell him about what you’re doing in your eCommerce class,” Mary suggested.“One of my professors actually assigned us to create a web page with our resume on it,” Estrella said. “It’s coming along pretty well. I have actually been working with someone on designing my resume, so all I have to do is take what we’ve done, paste it into an HTML document, and format it.”“That’s cool,” her father said.After a moment of uncomfortable silence, Mary asked, “So how’s work going, Peter?”“Pretty good,” Peter said. “One of the radio stations I work for wanted me to come over and fix a problem they have with one of their towers today. I told them I couldn’t because I have to go visit my daughter.”Have to? Estrella thought. Not want to? Is visiting me just a “duty” he feels he has to go through each week?Later, Estrella got to thinking about her relationship with her father. It was like there was a huge wedge between them, driving them apart. Estrella felt like both she and her father would be a lot happier if they were completely separate from each other and allowed to live their own lives. She decided that graduation would be the time. It would be the time when they would get to finally be free of each other. So graduation would not only be a celebration of her accomplishment in graduating, but also a celebration of freedom for both her and her father.Estrella wanted to talk to David about her relationship with her father. After she mentioned this to her mother, they and David arranged a time after church the next Sunday. It would be at six o’clock on Tuesday, which would mean she would have to hurry home after her writing class with Professor Trainwreck, which ended at five thirty, in order to make it on time.“Hi you two,” David greeted them at the door of the Pastor’s Study when they arrived. “Come in.” Estrella sat on a couch next to the door. Estrella’s mother sat in a chair to the left of Estrella. David sat in another chair to the right of Estrella, the ankle of his left leg resting on the knee of his right. He waited quietly for Estrella to begin the conversation.“I don’t really know where to start,” Estrella admitted.“Well,” David said, “This is about your father, right?”“Right,” Estrella said. “Do you remember First Night? Not just the one just passed, but the one before it?”“Your father came to the supper, with his girlfriend and her granddaughter, isn’t that right?” David asked.“Yeah,” Estrella admitted. “And things have gotten worse between him and me since then.”“What’s happened?” David asked.“We think he’s gotten married to Janice,” Estrella said.“No, we know he has,” Mary said from where she sat.“You might be convinced,” Estrella said, looking at her mother, “But I don’t think I will be totally convinced about it until I actually hear it from him.”“So he hasn’t said anything to you about it?” David asked.“No, he hasn’t,” Estrella said. “He’s being a jerk. That, on top of how he treated me when I was a kid, is just the last straw. I think it would be best if we cut ties completely. I’ve decided that he’s not going to come to graduation, for one thing.”“I don’t think that’s a good idea for two reasons,” David said. “The first is that I think you’ll feel his lack of presence if he’s not there.”“What do you mean?” Estrella asked.“What about when you see other fathers hugging their daughters?” David asked, “Won’t you feel left out if your father isn’t there to hug you?”Estrella snorted, “Dad wouldn’t hug me even if he was there, David. He and I don’t hug. We don’t even touch unless we accidentally bump into each other or something.” Estrella instantly remembered one such instance that happened just a few days ago… Estrella and her father were playing Jenga, a game that they both enjoyed. Both thought it was their turn to remove a block and reached out towards the tower. Their hands touched. Estrella jumped at the unexpected contact, as did her father.“Sorry, Dad,” she said. “I thought it was my turn.”“No, it’s okay,” Peter said, pulling his hand back quickly. “Go ahead.” “Oh,” David said, pulling her back to the present. “Well I am sorry to hear that, but the other reason is that I think that if you don’t let your dad come to graduation, you’re letting him control you.”“I don’t understand,” Estrella said.“By trying to control him, you’re letting him control you,” David said. “You’re letting him get to you. You shouldn’t let him do that.”“I don’t understand that,” Estrella said. “I never have understood how a person could keep another person from bothering them. I never could do it myself. So can we please let it drop?”“Okay,” David said.“I never felt like he was a father figure to me,” Estrella said softly. “He was always working on his computer. He never made time for me. He always blamed me when something went wrong with it. I feel he was more like just the person who helped conceive me and that’s it.”“Just a sperm donor, huh?” Mary quipped, a twinkle in her eyes. David guffawed at that one, and Estrella gave a rueful chuckle.“You’ve been more of a father figure to me in these last four years than Dad has during my whole lifetime,” Estrella said.“Gee,” David said, eyes twinkling with humor, “Maybe you should invite me to graduation.”“I was going to,” Estrella said. “You have done things that I think Dad should have done. You’ve supported me. You’ve prayed for me during final exams. You’ve rejoiced with me when the good grades came in and consoled me when I’ve had bad ones. You deserve to be there.”“Well,” David said, “I’m honored that you want me to come. Unfortunately…I assume graduation is on a weekend day, right?”“Nope,” Estrella said, shaking her head with a grin. She’d anticipated this. “It’s on a Thursday. Thursday May 15th. I looked up the information on my college’s website.”“Well, all right then,” David said, answering her grin with one of his own. “I will be happy to come. And I’ll give you a hug afterwards.” Estrella smiled at the thought of being hugged by David. She could still remember the first time four years ago easily… Estrella and her mother were on the way out the church door one Sunday. David was standing by the front door, as usual, shaking hands with everybody. It was the Sunday after final exams of Estrella’s first semester in college.“So?” David asked, shaking Estrella’s hand. “How’d it go?”Estrella grinned as she gave him her news. “Two As and a B+” she said.David grinned back at her. “I always knew you were a hotshot,” he exclaimed, “Come here!” With that, he pulled her to him for a big bear hug. David paused, as if waiting for Estrella to come back, and then turned the conversation back to Estrella’s father. “Do you know what the Bible says?” he asked. “Honor your father. Not necessarily love him, or even like him. Honor him.”“I know, I know,” Estrella said, closing her eyes and holding her hands in front of her. She opened her eyes, sighed, and put her hands back on the arm of the couch. “I know it says that, but…”David waited patiently for a minute before gently echoing “But?”“I don’t know how to finish that ‘but,’” Estrella admitted ruefully.“It seems to me that this is about revenge and getting back at him,” David said softly.“It’s not,” Estrella said. But I can’t think of how to put this into words, so why should I even try? she thought.“Well, even so,” David said, “You have a chance to graduate not only from college, but in another way, too. Remember first Corinthians thirteen? ‘When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child…”Estrella’s voice joined his, repeating the verse that she had memorized a long time ago, “’I reasoned as a child. When I became an adult, I put childish ways behind me.’”David nodded. “You have a chance to graduate in life, Estrella. Not just in your education.” There was a pause, as if David was giving Estrella a chance to think about this. “Anyway,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll do the right thing.”(break line)The next day, Estrella was thinking about what David had told her. There was a part of her that wanted to do the right thing and let her dad come to the ceremony, but there was another part that said “No! I can’t do it! I can’t!” This part argued that she shouldn’t have to. Her father was a jerk and didn’t deserve to come after the way he’d treated her all these years.A few hours later, after Estrella had calmed down, she started to think of things she could try and see if they made her feel better about having her father come to graduation.The biggest problem, she realized, was that her father was keeping a secret from her. That of having gotten married again. It was because of this that all the trouble had started. She felt like his getting married again was his way of telling Estrella he didn’t need or want her in his life. Her not inviting him to her graduation, she thought, would be like her saying she didn’t need or want him either. She felt like it would be the last blow to the wedge which would separate them. It would free both of them and allow them to live their own lives, separate from the burden of having to stay in contact with a family member they did not love.Estrella realized, too, that there was another thing she could do with the wedge. Instead of letting it cause a separation between her and her father, she could remove the wedge. Kick it away. The question was, how to do it?The answer to that seemed to be to get her father’s marriage secret out in the open. Get him to admit what Estrella had suspected for almost a year now. But how was she supposed to do that? She didn’t want to confront him the next time he came for a visit, so that was out. The only thing she could think of to do was to write an email. So she did. Dear Dad,I know you have gotten married to Janice and that Morgan is your new daughter...granddaughter...whatever she is to you. You’ve been leaving clues, and I have noticed them.When were you going to tell Mom and me? Are we the only ones you haven't told? Mom did say once that if you ever remarried that we would need to know about it. Do you know how uncomfortable it has made me feel having this secret between us? I just got to the point where I couldn't stand it any more and had to let you know I know.I don't really want to hear a lot of details about the wedding, your honeymoon, or your life with them, but don't go out of your way not to mention them, either.Estrella The next day, Estrella checked her email and there was a message from her father. Nervously, she opened it. Dear Estrella,Thank you for writing. Yes, I have remarried, although it was not something I was intentionally trying to hide. It happened on very short notice and I thought it better not to mention it while you were still in class in case it upset you. Then summer came and I still couldn't bring myself to tell you; no excuse for that…except that I am a chicken, I guess, and it got harder and harder as more time passed.At the time I was facing major surgery that my insurance would not cover and the bank was in the process of re-possessing my house on a technicality. I had less than two days to make up my mind, gather the paperwork, and do the deed. There was no fancy wedding to talk about, just a justice of the peace in Janice's living room before she headed out to work.I have moved to New Hampshire. Because Janice has custody of Morgan, the court would not allow her to leave the area. Actually I have looked at this area as a place I wanted to live for quite a long time. It didn't take much arm twisting to get me to relocate.Yes, Morgan is in my life. She calls me grandpa. Estrella paused in her reading of her father’s email. That was one question answered. Morgan was her father’s “grandchild.” So that meant that he still saw Estrella as his daughter. Whew, Estrella thought. Then she chuckled as an idea struck her. Does that make me a step-aunt? With an amused shake of her head, she went back to reading. I look after her when Janice is not around, manage visitation with her parents, and cook dinner a couple of nights a week to help out. I care about her and have a great deal of affection for her, but she is not mine. The feelings I have for her are not at all like the feelings I have for you. Since the first moment I picked you up there has been a strong bond for me. Strong feelings scare me and I tend to hide them, but they are there all the same. You are my daughter and I love you. Uh-huh, Estrella thought, I’ve read that before. But even though part of her said it was like all the other times he’d written in a letter or card that he loved her, there was one small part that said he really meant it this time. She couldn’t quite convince herself that she was being overly optimistic, though. She pushed this thought away and kept reading. So I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I hope you can forgive me. For what it’s worth, it was a very painful time for me also. I spent many sleepless nights wondering what to do. As I am sure you have figured out, I am not very good at relationships. No matter what I say or do it always seems to be the wrong thing, so I mostly end up doing nothing. It was not my intent to cause you pain.I truly did not plan this twist in my life, but since it has happened I have come to realize it has been a good thing for me. While I will respect your wish not to know details of this part of my life, I would be happy to answer any questions you might have, either now or in the future. I am glad that you know, and I hope you are more comfortable now that you know I wasn't wanting you not to know.Dad Well, Estrella thought, the secret’s out now. I wonder what things will be like now? Will things stay uncomfortable? Estrella shuddered. I certainly hope not. Will things go back to the way they were before? Or maybe… Estrella paused as a new thought came to her, Could things become even better than they were before First Night?(break line)A few weeks later, before Estrella’s father arrived for his weekly visit, the telephone rang. Estrella jumped off her bed and went running. “I’ll get it!” she called. She picked up the phone, “Hello?”“Hi Estrella,” came her father’s voice.“Hi Dad,” Estrella said.“I wanted to call and tell you I was going to be late getting there today,” he said.“Okay,” Estrella said, “Thanks for letting us know.”“See you soon,” her father said.“Yep,” said Estrella.There was a pause on the other end, and then she heard her father say, “I love you.”Estrella almost dropped the phone at hearing these words. He had never ever said them to her. Not once. Her throat felt tight, and she swallowed before replying softly, “I love you too, Dad.”After Estrella had hung up, she replayed those last few seconds of their conversation in her head. She didn’t know why, but actually hearing them made it so that, for the first time in her life, she believed them.(break line)Estrella emerged from her school’s gymnasium after the graduation ceremony was over, blinking a little bit at the sunlight. She looked up and smiled. It had been stormy earlier, but now it was clear. Only a few cotton ball looking clouds remained.Estrella and the rest of the graduates came to the lawn in front of the library and dispersed among the people waiting to find their families and friends.Her mother, when she saw Estrella, pulled her to her for a hug. Then David did the same. “Congratulations, hotshot,” he said just before he pulled away, “You did it. I knew you would.”When David let her go, Estrella felt someone put their hand on her shoulder. She turned around, and there was her father. “I’m proud of you,” he said.Estrella felt a slight smile tug at the corner of her lips. “Thanks, Dad,” she said.
