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LP66 
So my friend had her baby yesterday, a little girl, she's gorgeous and perfect. And I'm sitting here, no baby, no job, feeling extremely sorry for myself. I know I shouldn't be jealous, but I am. It seems like she has it all and she didn't even try. I feel like I'm being punished and don't know why. Why do all the shitty things happen to me?? Maybe, I AM a bad person and I deserve all this agony. If it weren't for the Lexapro, I maybe in serious trouble. The only thing I can hope to look forward to is that I get a better job with health benefits that cover infertility treatments, IVF. Oh man, that would be so AWESOME!!! I mean that's just one of the battles, but it sure would take the edge off. Still have to deal with the unidentified chromosome defect. But maybe it was a fluke and we were just unlucky. Maybe if we could try again, everything would be just fine??? I start thinking like this and get my hopes up and then remember the horrible unforgiving pain and it makes me recoil and want to slap my brain for even thinking that there is a possibility of hope. How can I forget that everything that could go wrong in the rarest way, DID. How could we possibly survive that again? Am I crazy??
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I have a friend like that, seems everything goes right for her. Like something out of a fairytale. It is hard, really hard, but I know you are NOT a bad person and did not do anything to make any of this happen. It sucks and it is shitty, but it is not because of you.
I don't think you will ever forget anything that you have gone through. But you can move on, move forward. You know Jenelle right? She lost her two boys in Fall 07 and then gave birth to two boys in Fall of 08. I know the pain and worry of what happened the first time around was with her and DH during her pregnancy, but they got through it. You will too. All the strength you need is already inside of you. And I know in my heart that you will have a child. Today I pray you find some peace with all of the sadness that had been a part of your life for the past year. And to answer your question, you are not crazy in any way. If we never open our hearts to the possibility of pain, then we would never be able to open it to the most wonderful love and joy we may ever feel.
Lioness816