Tamberly's Journal

So June 17th 2007 was a horrific day. It was fathers day, my Grandads birthday and my brothers birthday, we were planning on having a very nice dinner with the birthday boys and the Dads... but what we were planning IS NOT what we got. I went to bed worried about Esther and I woke up worried, I woke up at 5 am, drank some juice and took a bath and was trying to do kick count... one hour later I was searching google for stillbirth any sort of information on it at all I don't remember if or what I found I just remember crying pleading with God for my baby to be alright,  and getting my friend to come over to watch Galilee and Owen. I told justin we needed to go to the hospital and he asked if we could go after church(he was a youth pastor) I told him no we needed to go NOW, as we were leaving his Dad stopped in to say hi and see if we were headed to church I was curled up on the couch crying and shaking and justin told his Dad where we were going. I don't remember getting into the car but I do remember how silent that ride was and how much I was shaking. We got to the hospital and the nurse tryed to find Esthers heart beat... she couldn't, she tryed  again and then went to get another nurse "that could always find the baby'sheart beat" and guess what...well she thought she found itof a second but that was just my heart beating so fast... she couldn't fine Estehrs then they went to get the doctor to do the U/S. The Doctor came in and said nothing just started doing the u/s for what seemed like an hour (but I think it was about 3 minutes) she was very quiet and I wouldn't look at her. I just watched Justin and he was shaking his head the whole time. Then she said "I'm sorry your baby has died" the most horrible thing that has ever came out of anyone mouth and it was said to ME! I just JUMPED off of the bed and stared freaking out moving like a million miles a minute, I was saying "alright lets go, come on,  get her out, what do we do" AHHHH why isn't anyone moving "what do we do come on lets GOOOOOO" I was just walking all around the room like a chicken with it's head cut off. Then Justin went out to the hallway to call my mom, and he told her what was going on and not to tell anyone(for some reason we didn't want anyone else to know at the time... well it was like 2 minutes after we had just got told our unborn daughter was dead) she just SCREAMED and dropped the phone... she called everyone and told them the news..then I saw her an hour later...after the phone call to my mother justin called the church and he told a dear friend of ours that took over the youth group that morning, what was going on and also to not tell anyone but Justins Dad and the pastor... the whole day all of the youth kids were asking her what was going on becasue we weren't there and she was crying the whole morning. as these phone calls were being made the nurse let me know what was next that I would go through labor and give birth and ladeeda whatever else I don't know Oh but she did tell me I could just go home if I wanted to "WHAT!!" I have already been a walking tomb I think now would be a good time to get labor started, how could I just go home knowing my baby is dead. So I get settled into a room and then I think the whole world showed up, it was nice to see how much everyone loved and cared about us and Esther. The nurse was trying to take my blood and my blood didn't want to go with her... it took and hour. Then I was given pitocin and the little pill thingy. Then we just waited, and cried and joked and I said sorry to Justin for the most crappy Fathers day EVER and sorry to my brother and Grandad for horrible birthdays and sorry that we couldn't go have our nice dinner(they laughed at that). then we waited and waited and had to move rooms because things were broken it the room I was in then we waited in the next room... then we stared smelling gas leaking so we moved to another room that just happend to be very near other laboring Moms, there were tears and visitors and phone calls and trips being planned and more tears My Grandma said "I will be strong for you sweetie" and I told her "grandma no one needs to be strong we all have lost Esther we can be here for each other". I was also doing this with no epi or pain meds, I had done the same with my other babies so why not Esther well about 24 hours into labor Justin said to me what I think is the sweetest thing " Tam why don't you just let your heart hurt and not your body too" so I agreed.  Looking back I wish I would have been able to make it the rest of the way but looking back there are tons of things I would have changed and the biggest thing would be that I would have Esther here with me now and that I would be having her 2nd birthday party in our awesome back yard with  friends and family over but we cant change things it is what it is. Well I finally asked the nurse "when are you going to brake my water?"(my water has NEVER broke on it's own) and she said "OH we haven't done that yet"... ARE you flipping kidding me!!! So you are saying I could have delivered my baby already, we were going on 28 hours of no sleep.  Well other than that the staff was very very loving and helpful and caring.... Okay well this was my June 17th and a little into june 18th... there is more to come on Esthes 2nd birthday....I think...if I can bring myself to relive it all over again.

Thank you sweet ladies for all of your sweet comments and wonderful support these past two years... ahhh what would I do with out DS. I love you girls!

And Esther my darling you know I LOVE you and miss you and think about you aways, I am proud to be your mommy and I can't wait to meet you one day.