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nannysel 
8:35am, October 16, 2009
It is 4AM and here I sit. For the past hour I have been lying in bed wondering if I will ever get my life back. Joanne's back problem began deteriorating in May and here it is November and she still cannot stand erect, walk more than a couple 100 feet, or help with any of the work around here. The other day she peeled 3 carrots for supper and hurt too much to chop them. Many days she starts Dustin's breakfast or lunch and then I need to take over...but most of the time I do it all.
I am tired and becoming depressed. There is very little to look forward to. Other than Mike, my social life has dried up. Who wants to be around all of this depressing tension? Joanne has no friends and sees no one; so, on the few occasions someone actually darkens the doorway, she and Dustin are front and centre in the conversation. There is no time for me.
My exercise program has evaporated. Since May, I have only been to the pool three times. My class is at 8:30AM but morning is when I am needed most around here: get Dustin up, change his diaper and prepare his breakfast. By then I have lost interest in roaring out the door and into morning traffic to get to the pool. Besides, my group there is fractured badly. One more died this past summer and our instructor, who had been with us for 12 years, died on Monday. The other 3 ladies who died and the instructor were the ones in the group I could best relate to.
Then there is the problem of my Mom. She has stablized and is extremely weak with increasingly serious dimentia. She will never go home and is waiting in the hospital for a place in long term care. In Cape Breton there are no spaces...could be more than a year. To add to the issue, the lady wiith whom she lives (my age), interferred with the doctors, filed complaints Hell and gone and eventually had a pacemaker installed on Mom's heart on Saturday. Mom is worn out and only wants it all to end. She would not EVER approve a pacemaker and had, in fact, declined one before the dimentia got so bad. All this was done without anyone consulting with or even bothering to inform me...her daughter and only close relative. (My brother and Mom have been estranged for many years.)
Well today it is supposed to be in the 60's - warm enough to finish the outdoor work in comfort. Because we had an early deep freeze before the leaves had a chance to turn, they froze right on the trees. What a mess. Now they are simply just falling off. This is very hard on trees and some may not survive. With the warm weather now, they seem confused! God, I know I am!
After that litany of woes, I am sure you are all depressed!
Take care
Hugs
Sel
Comments
You know I relate to you so much because my life seems to be on the same track as yours and even on an anti depressant I fight everyday to stay on track for the kids. My son has always been a tad bit lazy and self centered and as long as everything is going his way it is fine but otherwise he can be very unkind and I seem to be his whipping post not physically of course but words hurt too. I do from sun until late in the night sometimes but no one seems to care and it has been along time since anyone has seemed to care. I miss me and I miss my husband and my life. I feel your frustration Sel. Hugs!!!
GoneForever
No answers from me....I look at my life and realize that if I didn't have Bob I would be right where you are. I never did come up with a plan for my life, a fluke happened and made it great. Maybe a fluke will happen in your life. Having Mike is a plus and it may be as good as it gets for now.
My mother use to say "you can get use to hanging" I think she was right.....LOL
Love.....
sam03
Always know you can write what ever your heart feels here on DS..We care!! I know you are so depressed and you have a right to be...I don't even know me now..I am not the same person..Like you, I miss me and I miss my life!!~ I pray God will bring you some comfort and you know what~~~??~~We will make it!! Love you, Glenda
Glenda
I can so empathize how it feels about getting a life back! I lie in bed at night and just cannot believe the past 2 yrs 9 mos! I don't think a drain can vortex down as fast as my life has (can we say toilet on DS)? Keeping you in my prayers. Sue
Sue0216
Sel, given all that you have to contend with in your life right now, it is understandable that depression would set in. I don't know why I have been so lucky but I like my life again. I sure hope that with time yours will get better as well. I believe that things happen for a reason and that life will work itself out in the end - I also understand that at times it is impossible to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hugs Sel...
sadsharon
It is understandable that you feel as you do, given everything you are facing. This new life we face is difficult enough without the added complications you are managing. I hope that in time things do improve for you and know my thoughts are with you.
pneylan