Join Now
krisg88 
our baby would have been a year old this week. sad words, "would have been." my one and only pregnancy at 43 and the miscarriage very early into it, was life-changing is so many ways. while it may not have looked healthy at the time, i am glad that i took the time off work last year around the due date. i cried and railed and questioned, and cried some more. i cried to the point i didn't think i could possibly cry any more. then i found unexpected support at this site which is appreciated more than words can express...so simply, thank you.
while R was thrilled about being a daddy, he continued during my brief pregnancy to act like an irresponsible teen. there were times i needed him to be with me and he wasn't. i blamed him and said horrible things. the night i miscarried he was there and i know that he hurt as deeply as me. honestly i am surprised that our relationship has survived this, and has somehow morphed into a stable, mature, adult relationship which is for the most part without drama.
it has been six months since either of us has drank and we have both grown immeasurably. we've each learned better ways to cope with our anger and sadness and boredom, and how to more fully celebrate our joys (and remember what we did--that's awesome!). fyi--i did not drink (not even my beloved coffee) after i learned i was pregnant. i have drank heavily most of my adult life. when i encountered life's difficulties, my thought was always "at least i wasn't dragging children through it." being sober now is bittersweet. i know that i would have been a good mom.
R asked me the other night if we could try IVF. i am almost 45 and my biological clock did not tick prior to my pregnancy. i think i am being selfish by saying no, but i don't want to go through all that comes with that. i fear he may someday leave me for someone younger who can give him a child. ironically, i have worked in foster care and adoption for many years. i throw that out but it's not received with much enthusiasm. we don't argue or discuss this any further, we're childless and we go on.
Comments
Kris you have come so far since we first met! I am so happy for and proud of you and R. It's strange how sometimes it takes such a tragedy/loss to bring clarity to the rest of our lives, isn't it? But if you think deeply, maybe that was your baby's sole purpose. To bring his/her parents closer together and help them find a path to healthy lives and a stable relationship. Once that was done, he was free to move on to heaven.
IVF is tough, I won't lie. The physical pains are minimal usually, it's the emotional component exacerbated by the constant injection of hormones for two months that is the hardest part. Have you considered a consultation w/an RE to see what options you have? Maybe you could get lucky and only have to and IUI? Either way, life is beautiful with/without children and I'm glad you are seeing that.
auntieweewee