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krisg88 
our baby would have been a year old this week. sad words, "would have been." my one and only pregnancy at 43 and the miscarriage very early into it, was life-changing is so many ways. while it may not have looked healthy at the time, i am glad that i took the time off work last year around the due date. i cried and railed and questioned, and cried some more. i cried to the point i didn't think i could possibly cry any more. then i found unexpected support at this site which is appreciated more than words can express...so simply, thank you.
while R was thrilled about being a daddy, he continued during my brief pregnancy to act like an irresponsible teen. there were times i needed him to be with me and he wasn't. i blamed him and said horrible things. the night i miscarried he was there and i know that he hurt as deeply as me. honestly i am surprised that our relationship has survived this, and has somehow morphed into a stable, mature, adult relationship which is for the most part without drama.
it has been six months since either of us has drank and we have both grown immeasurably. we've each learned better ways to cope with our anger and sadness and boredom, and how to more fully celebrate our joys (and remember what we did--that's awesome!). fyi--i did not drink (not even my beloved coffee) after i learned i was pregnant. i have drank heavily most of my adult life. when i encountered life's difficulties, my thought was always "at least i wasn't dragging children through it." being sober now is bittersweet. i know that i would have been a good mom.
R asked me the other night if we could try IVF. i am almost 45 and my biological clock did not tick prior to my pregnancy. i think i am being selfish by saying no, but i don't want to go through all that comes with that. i fear he may someday leave me for someone younger who can give him a child. ironically, i have worked in foster care and adoption for many years. i throw that out but it's not received with much enthusiasm. we don't argue or discuss this any further, we're childless and we go on.
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All is well on the home-front. So much so that I feel like I probably shouldn't be here anymore. (Had a "friend" delete me and wonder if that's what she thinks too.) I know I don't contribute much but I hesitate to close my account because I want to know what's happening with my friends...rejoice with you in your successes and support you in your struggles. If you're reading and want to delete me because we don't correspond much, I understand.
Most days I don't feel like I'm "waiting for the other shoe to drop" any more. Trust is slowly regained and I'm doing my best to take one day at a time and appreciate the moment. R's health issues are being managed with medication, neither of us are abusing substances (other than me with my coffee) and our hopes and dreams appear to be aligned...today.
Life is not without it's challenges. Have had plumbing issues for almost a week (which are finally resolved) and I'm digging myself out of piles of laundry. I know that in the scheme of things, that's NOTHING, but you don't miss your water 'til it's gone!
I am thankful that I found this site last year when I did. It was the lowest point I've experienced in my life and I don't know what I would have done without the support I found here.
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hey there - you delete me as your friend and you are sooooooo in trouble! i know you're not on here all the time for good reasons - and that makes me so proud of you - and honestly k...of him too. it's a 2 way street, takes 2 to tango....
i come here to visit with my friends and on those days when things are heavy for me, i jrnl them or communicate with people that can help life my spirits, give me perspective etc.
i don't contribute much to the boards mainly because that's not where i am right now & i try to stay positive when i do respond but there's alot of anger there. but ya know, it does help me gain perspective about how far i've come - how far you've come. what those stages are...which ones i lingered in for too long - which ones i tried to skip all together. it is a process. sometimes a long and hard one.
trust is the hardest to gain back once it's lost. but i feel that you & r, like L & me, we are trying to find that common ground again. i really think, despite all our issues, whatever they may be, that the thought - the reality - of being without the other one was too much. does that make sense? R & L both have issues - (shit, who doesn't?) and we have discussed some of the similarities...but they are trying to move thru them, past them, and part of the reason they are trying is because of us. neither one really wanted to lose us. and that says alot.
no matter what happens, i, like you, am so thankful i found this place last year. you, and a few others, were really such an intricate part of my "recovery"...i don't know what i'd have done without you! i love ya honey! sister of my heart....
I love "boring." I love having a daily routine. Not that I can't be spontaneous and adventurous, I can. (Jumping out of that plane at 10K feet for my 43rd birthday was AWESOME!) But after many years of craziness/drama (variety of causes), smooth & steady fits the bill. I'm pretty laid back by nature, but relaxed AND anchored feels really good.
A bit nervous about what will be happening at home as I leave for my overnight work trip tomorrow, but looking forward to the trip. This has been my first full week back since the holidays, and I'm struggling. I would definitely be great at being an independently wealthy woman who didn't have to work.
Things have been remarkably pleasant and uneventful since Christmas, and they always are until a blow-up. For now, sobriety, health & our relationship are being prioritized. I hope that it continues. One day at a time...
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Uneventful! What a place to be. Even without the drama in my life I have a soon to be 4yr. old boy full of energy and does not know what an inside voice sounds like. Sounds great! enjoy and then you will be able to handle a future bump in the road one day at a time.
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I also love 'boring and routine' it gives me comfort, because most everything in my life is so crazy. I hope it lasts!!
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yo yo yo momma! ahhhhhh the boring life...how sweet it can be! it sounds as tho you are doing ok...glad to see it! mucho mucho glado! (yeah, i'm in a strange mood today!)...and yes, no drama is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
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Wednesday, 1/02
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November 2007 |
Friday, 11/02
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October 2007 |
Wednesday, 10/31
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Monday, 10/29
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Monday, 10/22
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Sunday, 10/21
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Kris you have come so far since we first met! I am so happy for and proud of you and R. It's strange how sometimes it takes such a tragedy/loss to bring clarity to the rest of our lives, isn't it? But if you think deeply, maybe that was your baby's sole purpose. To bring his/her parents closer together and help them find a path to healthy lives and a stable relationship. Once that was done, he was free to move on to heaven.
IVF is tough, I won't lie. The physical pains are minimal usually, it's the emotional component exacerbated by the constant injection of hormones for two months that is the hardest part. Have you considered a consultation w/an RE to see what options you have? Maybe you could get lucky and only have to and IUI? Either way, life is beautiful with/without children and I'm glad you are seeing that.
auntieweewee