tryingtosmile's Journal

Well, at least I hope it's positive.  I found a Christian counseling agency that will give me financial aid and counsel me for awhile at an affordable price.  I know I've needed it for a long time, my grief is so overwhelming so much of the time and I've tried putting a smile on my face and faking it until it's real, being out with friends and family, being alone, some dating.  I can have fun for a short period of time and then the memories and thoughts of Ken sneak back in.  Even when I'm having fun.  Have you ever thought about 2 things at the same time?  Like I can think about work or what I'm doing, talk to people but the back of my head I am missing his face, the safe feeling of when I was with him, why did he stop loving me?  Did he really stop loving me?

Actually this counseling will be touch and go whether it helps I think.  I already in the first session discussed the abuse Ken suffered as a child and the rape he experienced as an adult and how that probably affected him.  So far all that's done is confirm my thoughts that most of this was caused by conscious or subconscious thoughts due to the abuse he had and acting out inappropriately.  I can forgive that and all it makes me want to do is make him understand that I love him unconditionally and he doesn't need to be afraid of me or loving me.  That doesn't sound very healthy does it?  What I need to do is learn to accept that he doesn't want me or love me whatever the case is and learn to be happy without him, I can't imagine how I can possibly do that.

Anyway, hopefully it will help with my relationship with God too.  Not that we aren't on speaking terms but I don't feel him in my heart like I used to and that bothers me.  I used to feel like my life had been touched by God and now I feel very much like I am too insignificant for him to pay any attention to me. 

Well, best get back to work at the house and do my homework for the counseling session.  Let me know if anyone has any ideas