tryingtosmile's Journal

I have had one really nice area recently.  My son and my brother were stationed up in the panhandle of Florida so I've seen them a few times since I moved here last year.  My son got engaged Christmas morning, so romantic and he had me help him which made me feel wonderful to be involved. 

They were married on May 2.  It was so much fun to have almost eveyrone there, getting together and laugh and enjoy the time together.  Pretty wierd stuff too.  I saw my first husband, my kids father, for the first time in many many years.  He didn't look bad but my parents thought he looked "like he'd been rode hard and put away wet".   He was there Friday morning when my youngest and I returend from the store along with his newest wife of about 2 weeks although they'd been living together for several years.  The moment I had dreaded but we smiled at each other, we nodded and that was it.  I had never met the girlfriend so I tried to be extra polite.  It became apparent my X had no intention of introducing us so I walked up to her, gave her one of my biggest smiles, stuck out my hand and introduced myself.  She took it but that was it.  She did not introduce her daughters, and the several times we ran into each other the rest of the weekend, like on the stairs when I smiled again and said hello as I carried a box down, she refused any attempt at politeness whatsoever.  Would not so much as smile or nod at me.  Oh well, the kids don't seem to have much use for her and they could see I had given it my best shot, that's all that matters I suppose.

The wedding was lovely.  It was on the beach (a bit too breezy causing the waves to be a bit too noisy, but other than that, perfect weather).  It was even extra special than most weddings because they asked my father to go online and fill out the paperwork to be a legal minister and marry them.  So my father, who is a doctor, delivered my son, his first grandchild, and then was able to marry them! That was very cool.  I had been doing well throughout the ceremony so far until he started talking about my son and how he had known him literally his whole life, that he took his first breath in his hands, that's when I lost control!

The did a lovely version of the eternity candle that I had never seen.  Since candles wouldn't be practical on the beach, they had 3 small bottles of sand and a large empty bottle.  Tabatha's dad and my X and I all stood in front and took a turn pouring some of the white sand into the bottom of the empty bottle.  Then Tabatha and Steve each took turns pouring their colors of light and dark blue into the bottle instead of the traditional taking their candles and lighting one candle together. 

My new daughter is wonderful.  She's everyting I could have wanted for my son.  I wrote them each a letter the day of the wedding and was surprised to see the photographer took pictures of each of them reading their letters and a picture of the letters themselves.    It was of course a very emotional day and they both were sooooo sweet about including me in everything.  I was so nervous and upset about attending the wedding, both because it was my son's wedding and because I was there "alone".  It wasn't supposed to be that way, Ken was supposed to be there to protect me from my X and hold my hand.  We were supposed to smile at each other during the ceremony and I was supposed to be able to lean on him and I had none of that.  But Tabatha, whose own mother had passed away when she was 17, asked me to come and help her dress which was so much fun!  Steve asked me to stop by his room and take a box of numerous items he wanted me to put up in various areas of the reception later which helped keep me busy.    And when I got to Tabatha's to get her dressed, I had a message to get Steve's watch, the one I had given him with a special inscription several years ago on his golden birthday.  He felt very strongly about wearing it for the wedding and I was to bring it to him which made me feel so good.

We all had a great time, we went back to my brother's room after the reception and had a great time until the wee hours of the morning.  We went on base on Monday and my youngest and I nearly got arrested, seriously, for taking a picture of the Air Force base sign out front.  We walked over, took a couple pictures and were walking back to the car while waiting for Steve and Tabatha to meet us at the gate to sign us in.  We were suddenly surrounded by 2 police cars, lights flashing, the whole thing.  They had to look at my camera, spoke with my son when he pulled up and of course checked his ID.  The one escorted my daughter back to the car to get her ID.  We were warned sternly about not taking anymore pictures.  Fortunately we were not thrown against the car and handcuffed but they definetly had no sense of humor about it at all.  Geezzzz!

Went that afternoon to the beach with the photographers and Steve and Tabatha and watched while they took pictures of them in their wedding dress in the ocean, absolutely gorgeous.  Something out of a magazine!  All in all a lovely 5 days.  The only real potential disaster was averted, 2 1/2 hrs before the wedding my older daughter came running out of her room yelling look at Taylor's dress!!  Taylor is my granddaughter, 5, and is the flower girl.  I thought for sure there was some kind of spot on it but no, the SECURITY TAG had been left on!!  So I, and then my aunt had some scary moments trying to find a store that could get it off, but one was found, an hour and 20 minutes before the weddin was to start!  WHEW!!

I have some wonderful wonderful children and family.  It hurt that my X and I couldn't do more than nod our heads at each other when our child we made together was getting married, or that my sister and I will never be on speaking terms again.  And there are no words for the pain of Ken not being there.  But I had some wonderful blessings that week and I am grateful.  I know I could be going through this without any support at all and that is not the case.  But it helps only a little when thoughts of the life I loved pop into my head, which is so often, I wish it would stop.  But that was a very good day!