tryingtosmile's Journal

Well, here I am.  Still here, still going through the motions.  Somedays I'm surprised I don't hyperventilate from all the heavy sighs.

So I've repainted the face I keep in the jar by the door and put it on everyday.  I smile, I laugh when appropriate, sometimes when it's not, and swallow, hard, alot.  Sometimes that wave of tears will grip my chest and throat so suddenly and it's all I can do to concentrate on not letting it overpower me.  I wish it would all go away.

So, update.  I haven't been on here for several months because it was all too much and I have been so depressed and overwhelmed I just couldn't come on.  I had to give up the kennel dream, at least for now.  The last place I had a contract on was perfect.  It was one of those moments when you walked into the place and it felt right, felt like home.  It was beautiful, had a good gross, I KNEW I could make it.  Everything was going along great and I had MORE than 25% down of the purchase price.  Until the bank's answer came back and said that the only way they would approve the loan was if the owner held a 10% lien on the property at closing because they wanted the owners to continue to have some type of interest in the place so they wouldn't leave the property and verbally run the client base into the ground.  Why in the world they would do that I have no idea.  I had a non compete agreement signed with the lady and eveyrthing.  A couple people said it was the banks way of looking like the good guy by "approving" the loan in such a way that they could say they approved it but set it up so it really probably wouldn't go through and they'd be off the hook.  It was unfair to ask the currnet owners to do that and they couldn't.  I understood.

But that was it, I couldn't take it anymore.  I had tried so hard, for so many months and was thwarted at every turn, I finally said enough.  My dogs needed stability, I needed my own place, my parents had been more than generous and understanding, so I said enough and bought a little house.  It's ok, kind of cute and I'm working on it.  My dogs are happy they have a fenced in yard now so they can run and play.  I am hoping to set up some agility equipment soon.  I've done some painting and landscaping and am sqeaking by working in my dad's office.  I had another part time job but they are so slow that I'm currently not on the schedule.

The sunsets are beautiful, the dogs love the dog beach.  I go out often with my parents and their friends and have made a couple friends of my own.  I have dated a little bit but it is very very uncomfortable.  Most times I am crying all the way home, a few times even on the way there.  I'm trying to get out, trying to put things behind me, trying to fake it until it is real but I hate every minute.  I miss my home, I miss my job and the dogs, the field trials, my girls, absolutely everything and every single time I turn around something else is smacking me in the face of the things I miss. 

I'm getting a bit burned out on house renovations and will probably be taking a little break from it soon.  I need to quilt again.  I have also looked into getting involved with a couple of dog groups in the area.  Hope that might help.

I think I will continue this journal entry over the next few days or so.  Among other things, I do have some good news to share about my son's wedding in May, that was nice so I'll save that for another day.