Journal

Well, at least I hope it's positive.  I found a Christian counseling agency that will give me financial aid and counsel me for awhile at an affordable price.  I know I've needed it for a long time, my grief is so overwhelming so much of the time and I've tried putting a smile on my face and faking it until it's real, being out with friends and family, being alone, some dating.  I can have fun for a short period of time and then the memories and thoughts of Ken sneak back in.  Even when I'm having fun.  Have you ever thought about 2 things at the same time?  Like I can think about work or what I'm doing, talk to people but the back of my head I am missing his face, the safe feeling of when I was with him, why did he stop loving me?  Did he really stop loving me?

Actually this counseling will be touch and go whether it helps I think.  I already in the first session discussed the abuse Ken suffered as a child and the rape he experienced as an adult and how that probably affected him.  So far all that's done is confirm my thoughts that most of this was caused by conscious or subconscious thoughts due to the abuse he had and acting out inappropriately.  I can forgive that and all it makes me want to do is make him understand that I love him unconditionally and he doesn't need to be afraid of me or loving me.  That doesn't sound very healthy does it?  What I need to do is learn to accept that he doesn't want me or love me whatever the case is and learn to be happy without him, I can't imagine how I can possibly do that.

Anyway, hopefully it will help with my relationship with God too.  Not that we aren't on speaking terms but I don't feel him in my heart like I used to and that bothers me.  I used to feel like my life had been touched by God and now I feel very much like I am too insignificant for him to pay any attention to me. 

Well, best get back to work at the house and do my homework for the counseling session.  Let me know if anyone has any ideas 

So where does committment end and giving up begin?  When you promise to love and cherish and care about someone for the rest of your lives and they change their mind, how do you then just shrug your shoulders and say ok?  What does that say for the dedication to your own committment?  Should it be that easy?

I wish it was that easy.  I wish when someone breaks their promise to you, you could just turn around and say "Well, FINE THEN!"  and go your own way.  But if you could switch off your emotions so easily, what does that say for the depth and strength of your committment in the first place? 

Part of why I am afraid to move on maybe might be that it is accepting that words, be it from me or anyone else, if they are so easily forgotten, are just meaningless.  Someone can look you in the eye and tell you anything and then not live up to it.  If the very most important person in your whole life can do that, the person you most cherish, your spouse, how than can I ever trust anyone else to be committed and live up to what they promise me?  The magic of love and marriage becomes just that, an illusion.  Something that feels so real and tangible and suddenly becomes a hologram, a puff of smoke and it's gone. 

The safety and security of loving just one person that you can count on to be there for you should not be an illusion.  With billions of people on this planet, shouldn't there be just one for every person so that their lives are not alone?  The sheer numbers and distance from each other makes it impossible to find that person and what happens when you think you do, trust in their words and smiles and loving gestures and then they leave? 

Am I really supposed to just shrug my shoulders and say "Well FINE THEN"?

You could see angels in her little baby face.  She grew into a beauty and continued to be an angel.  She almost never got in trouble.  She was somtimes afraid of alot of things and we did our best to comfort her when she needed it but she returned the favor tenfold.  She would cheer you when you were down, provided a warm snuggle for a nap when you didn't feel good.  She was always happy to see you and lived to chase balls and pheasant and lizards.  She would make me laugh in the fall and winter when the grass was high when she would lose sight of her best friend and hop along with her head way up in the air on two legs like a huge bunny.  She woke me every morning with those big brown eyes staring at me 6 inches from my face.  She was there for me when my husband, my best friend stopped loving me, after all, he stopped loving her too.  She would listen patiently to me cry for the hundredth time, long after everyone else didn't want to hear about it anymore.  She would put her head on my chest and let me hold her.  She told me she loved me just by looking at me. 

So this morning I returned the favor.  I held her, I told her we loved her, me and Timex and Alexa and Heather and Taylor and yes, daddy still loved her too.  And then she got her real wings.  We love you Sadie