Journal

My outlook is more positive today.  Took a long walk and am trying to think optimistically.   Even though I have not met anyone here, it is so good knowing other people care and are in the same boat. 

I'm just so depressed today.  Crying.  I know antidepress. don't work for me, I get side effects and get fat.  Not hormones, just life. 

 My son is off for October break (this new all year school), so we went up Haleakala, a dormant volcano.  His father left me at 40 for somene else, but that wasn't enough.  Because I wouldn't let him take my son to his girlfriends house, he stole all my stuff, even my horse, who I loved so much.  Riding was my outlet that centered me and kept me sane.  I was friends with other people who had horses.  By the time I could get anyone in law enforcement to do something, he had killed him through neglect.  He figured stealing my horse(he was not into them, but the girlfriend had some nags, I would committ suicide like my best friend did, who I was still grieving for at the time he left me. He figured that was the only way he'd get custody of my son.  I think it was more a bullying, I want my way thing, not concern for his child, as if I was replaceable by the girlfriend at the moment.  Anyway, that was over 10 years ago.  I  saw horse poop on the trail and broke out crying.  I really don't like hiking, it's more a do it for exercise thing, like an outdoor treamill, there is nothing like being on horseback to see nature at it's best.  Well I barely made it back up the trail, going uphill and got a sunburn to boot.  Sometimes I just wish I were dead, but my son loves me and I could never leave him.