Deb16's Journal

Hello journal over one year on, I can't believe it has been that long although I liked to see the positive, on the days I felt a long way from. I've chosen pink to write in on purpose, more in touch with my femininity than I have throughout my adult life. I do not shy from my fears or hide my vulnerabilities. 2 weeks ago I finished my counselling, finacially it was a burden and I knew I could learn to fly. Actually out walking the dog I found a feather and turned it in to a bookmark with the words "Gift of flight~Thankyou" as a parting gift for my therapist. It was a moving but wonderful end to the two years we worked together.

Yesterday my self defeating procrastinating self took a hold but after a whiile I heard the more forgiving voice sing. Much later than I would have liked I took the dog for a walk as the sun was beginning to fade and low and behold an old steam train passed me on the railway. These trains only run once or twice a year and in all the time I've lived here I've never managed to see it when it passes. Sometimes there a reasons beyond our comprehensions as to what happens but we can still choose our own outcomes. The train seemed significant to me to, how often the high speed trains rush forward on there iron tracks, in hurry no time to see the countryside as it flashes past the window. And yet the majestic steam train trots along with it's plumes of smoke following behind almost joining the train to the world around it.

We are all on our own journeys here and I chose to be the steam train, integrated, yet individual, one of only a few, that ploughs through life with its own unique charm. I chose to be the bird that flighs in the sunlight and the clouds, I chose to be the owl wiser for my experience, I choose to swim with the dolphins in the expanse of the sea. I am the stars that shine at night, the wind in the trees, the foam on the waves.

I am and always have been ~ me!

I will do something with my life to help ease the lives of others, I will not bow down or curtail to I can't do it! I will make a stand and follow my heart and make a difference anyway I can. I will not turn my back or give up on those around me, even those that turned there backs on me. I will not falter even after failure, just learn and try again. I spent to many years with my eyes closed, to many times I turned my head away in shame. I want to live every minute, love every hour and treasure every second.

I can forgive myself my failings for they are only lessons from which I grow. I can not be responsible for the actions of others what ever they may be, but I can reach out and offer my hand, open my heart and live a life that is free.