Journal

Yes life is still going well and each day I grow a little stronger, find a little more courage and a lot more belief in myself and those around me.

In many ways I cherish some of the opportunities (yes opportunities) working through my past, my rape, my life has changed as a result. I understand that perhaps I see things differently because of my past, and yet this is ok because it is just me that can choose to be free. Yet freedom brings with its own responsibilities and while I still need to find courage I'd rather face fear than stay standing still and enforcing those self defeating limitations that became so deeply ingrained. Finding peace in those moments I am filled with fear, has shown me I am stronger than I think and taught me to believe in myself, though it is not always easy. Yet on reflection neither was it easy before, safe and secure, but also painful, lonely and limiting.

I'm lucky I have had the chance to find out what life can be like, not governed by keeping up with the Jone's,  breaking my neck to conform with what society expects. Life is for living, for giving and enjoying. The washing and ironing can wait as much as it could in my times of despair so can it wait for me in my times of following my dreams, ambitions and desires.

How frustrating I must be to those like my childrens teachers, who strive to teach and yet the childrens hapiness is all that is important to me. I trust they can choose their priority as when they need to and not because someone has told them THIS NEEDS TO BE DONE. But because they want to, don't get me wrong they have boundaries, but they flex and move as the need arises. They both have caring outlooks and they both have morals that I am so proud of yet they know their view of right and wrong. Working through my rape as enabled our relationships to blossom in to one of respect and autonomy, rather than being governed by control and fear as it was for so long.

I find I need others so much less, yet accept more help than I ever have before, because I have dared to show  my vulnerabilities. I can speak my piece and stand my ground. I do not fall apart when someone disagrees and found that I am met with greater respect for not changing my view, or keeping quiet.

I live now by my rules, and this works for me. I choose not to be defined by my rape, neither do I hide from it. Yet it is hard to ignore the gifts that I have learned from it, and in a sense that is a comfort, the rapist never did win or succeed in his aim because I am stronger, braver, more loving than I could ever have dreamed of and yet it was his actions of power and control that have challenged me to consider who am and how to be at peace with world. Though I don't go as far as thanking or forgiving, I am happy to be me.

Hello journal over one year on, I can't believe it has been that long although I liked to see the positive, on the days I felt a long way from. I've chosen pink to write in on purpose, more in touch with my femininity than I have throughout my adult life. I do not shy from my fears or hide my vulnerabilities. 2 weeks ago I finished my counselling, finacially it was a burden and I knew I could learn to fly. Actually out walking the dog I found a feather and turned it in to a bookmark with the words "Gift of flight~Thankyou" as a parting gift for my therapist. It was a moving but wonderful end to the two years we worked together.

Yesterday my self defeating procrastinating self took a hold but after a whiile I heard the more forgiving voice sing. Much later than I would have liked I took the dog for a walk as the sun was beginning to fade and low and behold an old steam train passed me on the railway. These trains only run once or twice a year and in all the time I've lived here I've never managed to see it when it passes. Sometimes there a reasons beyond our comprehensions as to what happens but we can still choose our own outcomes. The train seemed significant to me to, how often the high speed trains rush forward on there iron tracks, in hurry no time to see the countryside as it flashes past the window. And yet the majestic steam train trots along with it's plumes of smoke following behind almost joining the train to the world around it.

We are all on our own journeys here and I chose to be the steam train, integrated, yet individual, one of only a few, that ploughs through life with its own unique charm. I chose to be the bird that flighs in the sunlight and the clouds, I chose to be the owl wiser for my experience, I choose to swim with the dolphins in the expanse of the sea. I am the stars that shine at night, the wind in the trees, the foam on the waves.

I am and always have been ~ me!

I will do something with my life to help ease the lives of others, I will not bow down or curtail to I can't do it! I will make a stand and follow my heart and make a difference anyway I can. I will not turn my back or give up on those around me, even those that turned there backs on me. I will not falter even after failure, just learn and try again. I spent to many years with my eyes closed, to many times I turned my head away in shame. I want to live every minute, love every hour and treasure every second.

I can forgive myself my failings for they are only lessons from which I grow. I can not be responsible for the actions of others what ever they may be, but I can reach out and offer my hand, open my heart and live a life that is free.

Hi all.

Still doing ok, yes I have the days when I feel down, but know that that is okay now. My past is my past and a part of who I am, I can now cry and scream and shout for the reason why, and not hurt others because I am holding the lies. I have found a peace within that means I don't fail myself, life moves on and I am glad to be on board. The future is bright and I can control my own destiny. I am not ashamed, I am strong.