angiedarling's Journal

close call. i almost threw up. ahh i freaked out today after being on the scale at the doctors office. i shouldnt have looked at the #144  ahh. it ruined my day.i lost it and ate a muffin at work. i freaked out my whole day was ruined. life should not be like this. its deeper than the muffin and the scale i know it is.it has to be depper than my figure and distorted body image, they are all symptoms stuffing the thoughts or things that i wont let out.ok. so i wonder if this is it.i liked a guy last summer. new him for three weeks. i thought we were going to get married.or at least start dating.so one night we went campping and i got totally trashed and fell asleep he hooked up with my best friend hannah. i dont think i have been able to get over that heart break.i was completely in love with him and he didnt seem to care. i think im still stuck in his grip. i see him once ina while. i feel really lowly compared to him. i shouldnt let him walk all over me. he intimidates me even though we dont ignoledge eachothers presence. i feel young compared to all the "cool" people i surf with. i feel like a young fat surfer girl..that no one will fall in love with. i wan to be in love i really do. i kbnow if i go and see kim my therapist she will say that i need to talk to max to get him out of my system.i should i need to be brave. i should just go up to him and say. " max i dont like you anymore" i really dont  care what he says back. just the fact that i say it will help me.this eating disorder is killing me.i dont like the way i look at myself.i dont feel attractive. keep thinking if i was ten pounds thinner i would be happy, healthy or prettier.i hat bulimia. i hate the image that the oc puts out. i hate it.i dont want to live here anylonger.or is it the same everywhere. i feel like if im not fit or if i dont run 6 miles eevryday, i am fat,or i dont fit in or i cant go surfing and i cant wear a bathing suit. when i am constantly running i feel happier.i suposed to be able to eat everything and anything i want in moderation and be happy. im aloud to treat myself with a muffin and enjoy it without feeling guilty because there is no way im going to gain any weight from a single muffin. damit im not even overweight for my figure.i hate eating disorders. i need jesus christ to help me on this one. i need to figure oout the heart of the problem because then everything else will melt away. johanna my manger talked to me about the 12 step program it sounds like it would help a little bit. but im kinda scared to try something new which i should not be. im scared to go to college, im scared to get a diffrent job, i want to find who i am! how do i do that, do i just develope or are there steps a person has to go throught to find themself. im confused im lost.i almost relapsed today.i almost went to the bathroom to throw up. a muffin. a single fucking muffin can fuck with me. that shows me how weak i really am. i dont feel pretty i dont have good self confidence. ive tried hanging out with my friends but i always end up wanting to go home,not lingure around for a while.all the while when im alone i feel lonely.i want companionship. i want a bestfriend or a boyfriend.i want to like myself for who i am not for who someone wants me to be. i woke up today thinking positive then after that scale life sucked, it didnt seem worth living.i wonder how my friend pete is. i wonder if he is still with his first girlfriend, he was so unhappy for so long. i hope hes happy now. he knows max too..i feel like curling up in a ball and dissapering. ok so im depressed. im trying out diffrent medications..t rying to find the right ones for me to be happy and motivated.rightnow im trying willbutrin and cymbalta hopefully they will be perfect and amazing.im getting tired.im still going to try to get to the heart of my problem, hopefuly i will discover my inner mystery soon.i leave myself and the amazing supportive person who read this with, peace for the world, love for ourselves, and happiness for all who are suffering or have suffered.