bugged's Journal

Another Saturday morning, it's quiet everyone is still sleeping here. 

The good thing it's bright out, the Sun is out it looks to be a bit windy but it's suppose to be warm.  I'm all for warm, lol - winter is just too long.

Trying to work out a few things - for some reason just feeling a little blue this am - not sure what that is all about maybe a little pms - hormones are wonderful, lol.

I guess part of it is just being here alone - with no plans, with nothing really to do - oh in reality there is lots to do - there is cleaning, dusting, vacuuming, cooking, laundry - you know all the great stuff that is left up to you to do.

I guess its times like this when I just miss having someone else here for me - to give me a hug to reassure that everything is going to beo kay - maybe someone just to tell me I'm good.    Why do we always seek validation from others - when the most important person to give us that is ourselves.

It's all so silly really - I guess as much as I want the kids to have a relationship with their Dad it sometimes hurts that they turn to him instead of me - he's playing the hero these days - doing things for them - coming up with the big bucks - I just want to scream!   

There's nothing in life that ever really gives you the feeling that its fair - I'm here day in day out dealing with all of life things that are thrown in my families way - I am the one that gets to deal with their breakups and sadness, their down times, but then again I'm here for the good moments too - those moments where out of the blue I get that Hug and just the wonderful words  - I love you mom! 

I just keep going someway, some how - battling myself mainly.  Why do I feel so inadquate at times, so unloveable - you know it's only me feeling that way - my kids love me - my family loves me, my friends love me - why do I not love myself?

Do you ever wonder why we feel the way we do about ourselves - I had a great upbringing, I certainly wasn't held back by parents - I was encouraged to be strong, to fulfill my dreams  I just don't know anymore.

There is something inside of me that just stops me from moving ahead - to getting where I need to be - I shouldn't need the validation that someone needs me that I'm doing a good job - for in my heart I know that I'm doing okay.  I see my kids daily and know that I've been there, that I'm a good mom and they certainly know that they are loved and that the world is theres - I've never told them otherwise.

Why can't I do the same for me??????????