bugged's Journal

I guess I was here a week ago.  It's been a busy week, had a great weekend away and just settling into the every day routine the work week brings.

My weekend away was great- I can't remember the last time I had laughed so much.  I went with my mom, my sister and we stayed at a friend of my moms.  They have been friends for over 60 years.  While growing up we played with her kids and it's been a long time since I had seen her kids.  Her daughter came for lunch the first day we were there, but her son was busy working.   It was nice to see her again - and she brought her daughter along with her.

After lunch we ended up going to a large book warehouse - I purchased  a few more books, you can never have enough to read, lol.  If I got stuck in this apartment -  I now have enough to read for probably a few months, lol.  After the bookstore we ended up touring 3 different wineries - tasted and bought lol.  Again it was so much fun.  We ended up in Niagara on the Lake a lovely little community - with lots of little shops - was very nice.  We came back to the house, had a lovely dinner and my Mom's friend tried to teach us how to play poker. 

On Sunday we went to the Casino - of course we did not win!  My sister and I walked around Niagara Falls for a bit - we had dinner reservations and tickets to the show at the Fallsview Casino - again it was a very good time.  My mom and her friend love to play the slots - they weren't any luckier this time than my sister and I were. 

On Monday we ended up going Shopping in Buffalo - no big purchases for me, lol - I have no money!  I bought cheese, lol - yes cheese - I cannot believe how cheap cheese is in the US!  it's not right.  Also bought some wrapping paper at Target - so if I can afford to buy a few christmas things I will have paper.  I bought it a couple of years ago - it is great stuff - a $1 a roll - and it's cute - and wraps lots of gifts!    After getting our suitcases we headed home about 3 pm - before dropping my sister off at her home - we made a quick pit stop at Ikea - I was able to pick up my laundry hampers and some plastic food storage containers - was very happy about my purchases - really needed new laundry hampers - just makes those trips to the laundromat a lot easier to make.

The kids ended up driving over to spend Saturday with their Dad - of course my car was taken and I'm sad to say - I think my car is very sick.  Of course the ex paid it all off, so the repairs are now my responsibility - oh yeah - something else I can't afford.  My son is in the process of getting his own vehicle which will be great - he will then have to pay his own insurance.  That means I can dump my sick car and keep the little one we sort of inheritated of my grandma - it's a 97 Chev Cavalier and only has 67,000 km on it - so it would be the best one to keep - since it's a lot easier on gas - and mine has over 270,000 km on it.  The two hour trip my kids made with the car didn't do it any favours - we've been trying to get it to my mechanic so he can take it for a drive and give me the bad news.    The exass I guess was pretty good to the kids - took them shopping - bought them some stuff,  again the hero - the good guy - because he has all of this disposable income, lol - makes me want to throw up!  Oh well - the good thing is I guess my kids get it - I'm the one responsible for the roof over their head, the food they eat and for now the car insurance enabling them both to be able to drive - but he gets to play the hero an buys them all the cool stuff.  I know it sounds like I'm whining - but damn it just gets to me. 

He called tonight - it came up unknown caller - if I knew it was him - I wouldn't even botherered answering it - what does it take for him to just say hi be a little pleasant - inquire about my well being, lol - well I got it - he doesn't care - so why should I!  For the most part I don't care really - sometimes I feel so hypocritical - you know - I don't care anymore - but there is a part of me I guess that does.    It's all his idea to be friends - but then his actions really prove what he means by that - and it isn't friendship at all - in fact - he barely gives me the damn time of day - I only hear from him when he wants something from me.  He then gets pissed at me for distancing myself from him and not being friendly or welcoming - I guess it's damned if you do, damned if you don't.

I guess in reality - I just want it to be done with - I am slowly picking up the pieces - I feel stronger emotionally - and know that I don't want him in my life again - the price was way too high.  I'm in the process of cleaning up the financial mess I was left with - and the progress on that front is slow - but I just don't have the disposable income that he does -  I haven't shed my responsibility to my kids like he has. 

So after having a great weekend with lots of laugh and enjoyment - here I sit right now alone - the kids are all out - it has been cold, wet and trying hard to snow - just feeling a little down at the moment - I've been battling a cold all week - and I guess I'm just tired.

I still hold on to the belief that things will improve - that I will be truly happy again and i guess in the far recess of my mind I hope that there is someone else out there - who will love me for me.  Sometimes it's hard not to miss the intimacy the physical touch - but it is what it is.

So I guess I'm going to go knit for awhile or perhaps read - a bit - I don't know - just need to shake the clouds away.