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bugged 
6:29pm, October 10, 2009
I made it!! I did not cry, we had our meeting. I should be divorced in March. His lawyer is drawing up the papers, they will be sent to Kevin to sign and then back to the lawyer's office, at which time I will be served. I have 30 days of course after being served to respond. It will be 3 months after that.
So it appears I will be unmarried around March/April. The end is near. You know what - I'm okay with that. A new future begins, or continues, as I've been trying hard to move forward. It's sad to let go of unresolved dreams, of what you thought your future would be like. Hell I have a good future ahead, just not the one I had invisioned 22 years ago. However, in saying that I have the best part of my marriage still with me, my kids. My relationship with them has deepened and we have each other. There is no doubt that God gave me it all.
I held my head high, I was pleasant, I was simply me, and you know what - me is a good person to be! I gave him my best, I loved him and I was the best I could be. Something changed over the years, and I can look at him and know that I will care for him, he is the father of my children but realized today that my love for him has changed. He is no longer the man he was - he is different and I wish him the best.
We talked about the kids, and both agreed that we were proud of them and that they were borne of love, and it shows - they are each individuals who are worthy of our love, our pride.
I did ask him one thing, to make sure that he looked after them. If something happened to either one of us - that those kids deserve that no matter what. I told him to get his will in order and to spell out what his children are entitled to - they did not ask for a broken home, this was not their fault and it is up to each of us to maintain and look after them till the day we die. He agreed. I believe him.
Okay - I not once cried - but I am crying as I am writing this only to say good bye to my past. I wished him well and told him to take care.
He did mention his friend, lol - and I thought to myself - it doesn't appear as though the grass is greener - apparently she has jealousy issues, lol. Which seem to be directed to me. I simply looked at him and said - Kevin, have I in the past 2.5 years gave you, or her for that matter any reason to think that I would interfere or do anything in that way - he had to look at me and said no, no reason at all.
He discussed Christmas and his plans and what he is going to do with the kids and get them - well it's only money right? I realize that he can give them more financially, but I give them what they really need each and every hour of each and every day - and that is my support, my love and I have kept what is left of our little family whole. I simply have given my love, my heart to my kids and there is no better gift in life than that. I know that for a fact, because that has been what has been gifted to me by my own family. I have the pleasure of hugging my kids of joking with them and just being dear old worry wart Mom and believe me that is the biggest and best pay off that life can give. I am proud of myself for that.
We parted - I said thanks for the coffee, take care - he almost reached over to give me a kiss on the cheek - but I exited - I can't do that - he is not mine and it's over.
He asked about my family, especially my father - he said to me that it was his pleasure to have known him and only hopes some day that he can shake my Dad's hand and say thanks. He said that my family welcomed him and gave him so much that his own didn't.
Well my friends, I made it through it - none the worse for wair - and today the tears that have fallen are simply those of saying good bye.
At 50 I guess you soon learn that life is not fair, I have to believe that this was all for a reason and that some day, someone will enter my life and appreciate me for just me. A person, who loves and whose emotions are worn on their sleeve, a person who is loyal, compassionate and empathetic those around me. A person who values friends, family and myself. I just believe in hope.
Thank you my friends - your support has been greatly appreciated and we all get through this some way some how.
Comments
Each day as it gets closer to the weekend, I can feel the anxiety building.
The exass has a lawyer's appointment on Saturday, the paperwork is about to be filed. A little meloncholly I guess - the end is near. However on the other hand, to have this finalized will be better for me as well.
We are to meet Saturday - I'm not looking forward at all, I have not been face to face with him for months. There's so much running through my mind, so much I would love to say. Sometimes I wish I could just say something so hurtful to him to make him feel what I have felt, but to what good would that be.
With the holidays fast approaching, this too is bringing me down. I've never really been good around holiday time - I find it stressful and to tell you the truth not that enjoyable. But this too I will get through.
Just taking a break at the moment - I'm at work - I have accomplished a great deal today - yeah me!
However at this very moment I just want to cry.
It's painting night - it's been awhile - I should have had stuff done so that I can finish it but I just have not had the desire.
Comments
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Hang in there buddy, I know it's tough. This holiday has been miserable for me, crying on and off for 2 days, but you know what? I made it. It's almost 10:30 pm and I'm on the couch with the furkids and it's another milestone behind me. We are strong, even though we don't realize it. I agree with you, I've always found the holidays more stressful than enjoyable. But I am still dreading the hell out of them this year, lol. You will be in my thoughts on Saturday, give a holler if you need to vent. Take care.
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OK, and since we have been friends for a long time, oldies here, I am going to give it to you straight.. because it has taken so long to get to this point where you can do the legal thing, you are going to go through the emotions just like you did when this first happened and you agreed to divorce! You are not going to trial, you have been living apart a long time, he has someone else he met after he moved out, you dealt with the house and selling it ( when you were first here that was what was going on) and you have been on your own how long and for the most part have it all divided and settled... you have it all done for the most part except the paperwork. This is a good thing! I tell you this, when you sign that paperwork, you are the same person you were the day before, and you will be the same person the next day.. AND you are not going to say something hurtful to him, this is not the time when you are finalizing things. Write him a letter and get it all out and then do not give it to him. You have had all this time to tell him what you think and feel, this is not the time!
The holidays, when I was with him it was stressful cause he made me choose, he in the last few years would not go to my family. I since this will be year 3 have gone to friends.. and that made me feel like a 3rd wheel, last year I went somewhere Xmas eve and then went to the movies on Christmas day.. it was me and the dog, and I do not even have him now. The men in my life, they all rubberband away and believe me that will be when they do it...I suspect some of it for you is the money, and all that does for the holidays when you are broke is make it harder. It is one day, Christmas and Thanksgiving. AND it get easier, one of my friends/clients had me over for TGiving and I had no thoughts of him and all the holidays we had.. I embrace being alone and guess what, I get to do whatever I want! Try hard to look at it this way.. see the glass half full not half empty. I try to grateful for what I have, not for what I do not. I at one time loved the holidays, who else has a place setting of Christmas dishes for 16? Now I look at as a day I have off, and try not to worry so much about the alone thing.. I think of it this way HE made it stressful!
This has been a long time coming sweet bugged.. I think I am going to post my list of how to make it through the holidays divorced again.. and remember not everyone is happy and in this state of holiday bliss.. YOU can do this, sit across from him and be business like, for that is all that it is at this point.. HUG HUG
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I am sorry that you are going through this tough time, but you are one strong lady and you can do it. Change up the holidays, do something different, start a new tradition. My stbx was so into Christmas, we way overspent, way overate and it was a let down when it was over. I am going to relax and enjoy my girls and my new grandbaby. Hugs.
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I hope it goes reasonably smoothly for you tomorrow. It's going to be hard, but you'll get through it. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow. {{{hugs}}}
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You've done the hard part. Now it's just tying up the loose ends. I haven't been here long but You are a strong woman and will do what needs to be done.
My property settlement was done before he ever left for work right after I filed for divorce. It took 19 months to get the divorce finalized. That was the hardest part of the whole process.
The ex made Christmas stressful and I have toned down what I do for Christmas. Less decorating, less food, no more stress. Now that he is playing games with my alimony Christmas will be a little less than usual but I don't care. I'm free and that's all I care about.
Good luck tomorrow. I know you will handles this well. Take care
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Sometimes finally facing the thing you dreaded the most is very freeing. I agree with what Ms. Terey said above about going through the emotions again but I've found that each new loop around is a little higher, a little easier, and doesn't last as long. I hope it will be that way for you. I'll be thinking of you today.
Well made it back home safely! It was a great weekend with the girls. It was fun to get away, share the weekend with my sister, her daughter, friend, my daughter and I. We shopped till we dropped, lol.
Found some great buys, my daughter did really well and got a jump on her Christmas shopping.
So glad I have tomorrow off to rest - my feet hurt! I wore comfy shoes all weekend too.
My son went and visited with his Dad, they got together Friday night, my son is looking for a truck so they went out and I guess then they went out for dinner, with the GF, her family.
I got home late tonight then the ex calls to talk to me about the truck my son looked at and what he was proposing to do. Needless to say - my euphoria from the weekend away came to a crashing burn. Appears as though now that good old Dad is almost debt free - he's going to help out his son in a big way. Just makes me want to throw up actually, here i sit struggling to make ends meet - have continued to put the roof over their heads, food on the table and dear old Dad just gets to play the hero. I feel bad I guess because I am not in a position to help the kid out at all - and then I have to listen to the exass go on about what a great father he is - etc - he compares himself to my Dad - and that just isn't so. He's not half the man my father is! However, I do think a lot of it is guilt over his decisions the last two and a half years. I guess when you have the power - you just buy them off.
I told the ex tonight that i was unable to help out in anyway financially - we had a small discussion and the sad part really is that the only thing he has out his choice to leave is his money. He admitted tonight that basically when it came down to it - he really didn't have anything at all - he has his big truck, his little truck -and if it came down to it that's it - he is now living with the GF - but it's her house, her family. He told me I at least had the kids around to hug - he's absolutely right about that. I do have them, I don't have to buy them.
My son was in his room while I was talking to him, he knew I was upset - so he had come out a moment ago just to give me a hug good night. I am the lucky one. They know their Dad when it comes down to it.
In the discussion it also came up that he has a meeting here in town next Saturday with a lawyer, so it looks as though the papers are going to be filed probably sooner then later - just a matter of getting rid of me good and for all - now that the car was paid for it didn't take long for him to finish up.
There's nothing to fight over it may as well have some conclusion now. Sounds as though he is making pretty good money right now - but he has promised to leave my pension alone, and he's going to sign off on my CPP (Canada Pension Plan) as well. When it comes down to it I'm fine with that. I have the ability and means to look after myself and will continue to do so. I've always worked and I do know that once the kids get on their own two feet that I make enough to live comfortably.
Funny how it doesn't really make you feel any better, but I guess this part of it will be done and the living in limbo for the past two and a half years will be over. It's rather funny in part - he still refers to me as his wife - and I guess when it comes down to it that has been a part of my issue because the reality of the matter is that I am. I am still married. Perhaps once the finality of the matter is done - it's just another step to put the past to rest. I will just me be - not a Mrs. not a Miss - just me. I did ask him for one thing - I told him no matter what I do not want to be served at work. He agreed to that.
I'll know more next weekend. I'm not sure how much longer this will be - but it's coming to an end. For tonight - I'll just cry - that's all I have left right now just tears.
Comments
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I know you are sad and this will pass too. IT's always an unhappy time when tow peopel who have been married split up and go separate ways.
But you are also taking this time to count your blessings and you do have many.
Take this time to work thru your sadness and think about what you want the rest of your life to be.
You are coming out of this okay and I wish you much happiness for your future.
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It seems that when he was talking to you he came to the realization that you are the one who is blessed because you have the kids around to hug. I am sure he is filled with guilt and that is why he wants to buy him a truck. You are a good Mom and provider. You will probably feel some relief when you are divorced and not in limbo anymore.
I am glad you girls had fun shopping, girls trips are the best. Big hugs
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I'm sorry you're hurting. Sending hugs your way. If he's making good money, can you ask for some maintenance to make up for the child support he never paid you?
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Good thing I have a box of tissues handy (wiping eyes and offering you one too). I can so feel your pain, and I'm so glad your son came out and gave you that hug, here's one from me (((((bugged))))).
My ex still calls me "Babe" on the phone, of course he also calls our girls this, they are all in there twenties, but I don't think he even realizes he's doing it.
I know the turmoil you feel about wanting it to be done and then also Not believing that it's about to be over.
Is it part of the 'law' in Canada that you be served by an official? Here I just handed the papers to him and took them to the Courthouse, of course if there's issues (abuse, financial disputes, etc...) then a deputy serves the papers. Just wondering if that was the "rules" there.
I can tell one thing for sure, you've come a long way since we started on here, and I think you should be so proud of how you are doing. Sincerely, Konnie
Past Entries
Goal Updated
You have got the be so proud of how you handled this! Yes, it is an ending of sorts, but it is also a new beiginning for you, when you are ready to step forward and grab it. Good for you, sweet lady! Be proud of yourself...we are!!
Wish4BigSky
I cried through this whole journal entry. I only hope one day I can be so strong. I am so very proud of you, you are a remarkable woman and a true inspiration to all of us who are just beginning this journey. Hugs to you my friend and I hope someday when the time is right you will fund that love and happiness you deserve.
startinanew
wow just wow! i'm so so so so proud of you.
msmsde
You are such an inspiration to so many on DS--you show such courage!!
You have done something I can't do yet--forgive and wish him well. I will get there--you have inspired me to get there.
Hugs to a real classy lady!
hurtinandhealin2560
I too sit here with tears on my cheeks, you and I have always shared one specific thing, a long marriage with someone who (for different reasons) became someone else. I still see Alan (we live in the same town, and so do our 3 grown/in their 20's girls), and I just hate that feeling of "what the hell happened" whenever we're around each other.
I really am glad that today you were able to say what you needed to say and it sounds like you are in a good place.
Big hugs to you!
Kon
Bugged, you must remember that God does not close a door without opening a window! You are perched on the sill of that window and ready to SOAR into your New Life! No, your life isn't how you envisioned it would be at this age, but instead of thinking negatively, focus on the POSITIVE! Something Wonderful Will Happen For You! Smile at the sun and thank God you found the strength and tenacity to get through this! Believe in yourself and ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE! You can aleady see that the grass was not greener on the other side of the fence for him...and he MUST know that if he left you for this OW, she will always live with that fact...and fear that one day, he will leave HER for another. That is karma. But it is not yours!
You have done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of or to worry about. Vow to make the REST OF YOUR LIFE the BEST OF YOUR LIFE!
Big hugs, continued prayers coming your way!
kathi
CowgirlKathi
You are an inspiration and amazing the way you handled this. I am impressed that you are focusing on the positive and moving forward. There are brighter days ahead for you my friend and you deserve it. You are in my thoughts and I am sending you a great big hug.
Janice
janeee
bugged, i knew you way back when under a different name and i read this a weeped...it is beautiful and so inspiring. it has been over 2 years for me, still not divorced but you have given me new hope today as i still cry over "why"...i need to let go and see MY tomorrows in a positive way. congratulations on being the woman you are and have become. many Blessings to you and your family.
3kidstolove