trying2keepsmiling's Journal

Well, i don't write in here nearly as much as i should . kind of ironic though i love to write, poetry mostly. i have been having a hard week. swimming in my own thoughts and crying. i feel like im gonna lose it. last monday i woke up and my arms from my shoulders down to my wrists were burning as if i worked out w/ 1000 lbs i couldn'teven blow dry my hair. its gotten slightly better but when i wake up man, i feel like someone beat the crap out of me w/ my own arms! there so weak. i have never felt like this befor. im so scared. my elbows started to hurt, i was like who's elbows hurt?! such a wierd thing to hurt. but all week ive been so freakin tired. i had a neorologist appt on friday to talk about ny arms being so weak, i slept right through my appt.i woke up at 11:30. i never ever do that. im currently looking for a new job, b/c of all this i keep losing my job. im so stressed out, i know its hard on my boyfriend, weve been together for almost 6 yrs, living together for like 4. he's amazing, patient, but everyone has there limits. im so scared im going to lose him, who wants to be w/someone who's sick all the time.

im so dalusional, through this rough week(last week)  i went into the city for 2 job interviews, it took me forever to do my hair, i had to drag muself out of bed,then im sitting at the interview for manager of an endrocronolgists office thinking WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING. in my head i can do this, but what my mind and my heart want is different then what my body is doing. i was originaly looking for part time but there is nothig so i started looking full time.

i dont know... oh and i went to the neorologist this mornig, about my arms, he basicaly pushed me out the door when i told him my reumotoligist diagnised me w/fibro last month. he would barely exam me and said i dont deal w/fm i can't help you. i have never seen any one like you... gave me a name of a remo muscular somebody .. i cried the all the way home ...

i have an interview tomm well see.  not only do i need money but being home all the time is driving me crazy, i just think if im doing normal everyday things ill feel normal again, but i feel like im gettingworse everyday... im just so sad...