Journal

Well i have some big news. Im eight weeks PREGNANT!!! Dave and i are very excited and happy. I can't believe  the chamges that happen and so quickly. i was  lil nervousbout the fibro but i heard alot of peoples symptoms go away during pregnancy i am just very tired i dont know if its just being pregnant or the combo but i have like no energy. im still working parttime but im not sure how long ill be there i need the money but it really is beoming too much already. well i think this baby is a blessing befor i was always not feeling good or obsessing about my new pain, and now even though im neausous all the time and so tiresdi could cry ive never been happier. so in july ill be a mommy!!!  

Im writing this while the thoughts are fresh in my mind or i will forget in like 5 seconds! and i didn't wanna forget how im feeling write now. im making a promise to myself to change my life, mind, spirit amd daly actions i dont know how =0) but i know i have to and i want nothing more to be me again. this FM thing wasn't realy REAL till very recently ive been suffering but wasnt diagonosed till recently, then i went to another dr.(my gastro) who said i want to get a second oppinion because the reumy that diagnosed me lit. said ur blood came back fine. so i said ok then whats wrong w/me he goes u prob have fibro gave me a script for muscle relaxers and never talked to him again. i was liek OK NOW WHAT when i told my gastro in passing he flipped out and said go see a friend of mine another reumy who my mother also saw yrs ago. so being sooooo sick of being passed around i went there hopeful that he could help me i faxed all my blood work n notes befor i went, i sat down he looked at me n said w/out examining me said " hello nice to meet u, u def have fibro but i dont treat it" well i just burst out crying. i feel like i have the plaige or something no one wants to help me. he turned out to be VERY NICE FUNNY he said oh no stop crying, why do all fybro patients cry in my office" ! well he examined me n said i have it chronocaly (i guess a part of me didn't belive that i had it) n usualy he sends his pts to pain management but because i was so nice n he liked me n i was so young he said he's treat me. he did'nt want me to go to pain management n just live w/it. he said something to me that i can't get out of my head, THIS WON'T KILL YOU IF YOU DON'T LET IT,

you have to live. u wake up in pain ifu give in to it it will get you. no one saying its not real but you can cintrol it. if u chose to let it disable u it will. "  he said i have to get back to work asap and get my life back. he's had it for 25 yrs. mildly. he gets up everyday evcercies and takes celebrex.

He gave me lycria and celebrex which im not taking yet because im on xanax wich i depend on and he doesn't know about the interactions. so i have to find out. he said exercise is a must. relaxation ( wich i am incapable of im always stressed out) he suggested yoga and meditation. so im writing this down so i make myself do these things on the days that i wake up n just wanna  crwal back in bed n sleep the day away w/out even trying to overcome, wich lately has been often.    my therpist also says mind over matterat first i got insulted n thought he n everyone else was saying it was all in my head(well some drs n people think that) but what he n the people that know n care about me mean, is that i let stress n my emotions effect me physicaly which i never belived untill now. i always say im STRESSED OUT BECAUSE IM SICK,they would say ur just stressed n emotional!

well im glad i got this out there n i want to START LIVING

Well, i don't write in here nearly as much as i should . kind of ironic though i love to write, poetry mostly. i have been having a hard week. swimming in my own thoughts and crying. i feel like im gonna lose it. last monday i woke up and my arms from my shoulders down to my wrists were burning as if i worked out w/ 1000 lbs i couldn'teven blow dry my hair. its gotten slightly better but when i wake up man, i feel like someone beat the crap out of me w/ my own arms! there so weak. i have never felt like this befor. im so scared. my elbows started to hurt, i was like who's elbows hurt?! such a wierd thing to hurt. but all week ive been so freakin tired. i had a neorologist appt on friday to talk about ny arms being so weak, i slept right through my appt.i woke up at 11:30. i never ever do that. im currently looking for a new job, b/c of all this i keep losing my job. im so stressed out, i know its hard on my boyfriend, weve been together for almost 6 yrs, living together for like 4. he's amazing, patient, but everyone has there limits. im so scared im going to lose him, who wants to be w/someone who's sick all the time.

im so dalusional, through this rough week(last week)  i went into the city for 2 job interviews, it took me forever to do my hair, i had to drag muself out of bed,then im sitting at the interview for manager of an endrocronolgists office thinking WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING. in my head i can do this, but what my mind and my heart want is different then what my body is doing. i was originaly looking for part time but there is nothig so i started looking full time.

i dont know... oh and i went to the neorologist this mornig, about my arms, he basicaly pushed me out the door when i told him my reumotoligist diagnised me w/fibro last month. he would barely exam me and said i dont deal w/fm i can't help you. i have never seen any one like you... gave me a name of a remo muscular somebody .. i cried the all the way home ...

i have an interview tomm well see.  not only do i need money but being home all the time is driving me crazy, i just think if im doing normal everyday things ill feel normal again, but i feel like im gettingworse everyday... im just so sad...