startingover76's Journal

The letter

Okay, here goes...

Dear Brad,

I guess the best way to start is from the beginning.  We had been friends for so many years, it is still so hard to not have your funny sense of wisdom, or just to have someone like you to sneak off and take smoke breaks with.  I really don't know when my feelings for you changed from friendship to something more.  was it the overnights getting ready for inventory, all the lunches we took together, the time we all went out to the bar after work?  Maybe those feelings were always there, we just had someone else in our lives masking them.  Anyway, I will never forget the night I told you how I felt about you.  You were so excited.  Then, the next day you called me at work to make sure the conversation was real.  Then, we had our "first date" sneaking out and shopping at Walmart.  Those times were tough, and yet so fun.  You were still with Melanie, and sneaking around with me.  I could not believe how long it took for you to finally leave her.  You know there were so many times I told you that I didn't think my heart could take another day of you going home to her.  But, you did leave her, and our first date was on Halloween as a real couple.  That was a great night, followed by many more.  The holidays were amazing.  We would Christmas shop, and look for things for the house, engagement rings, etc.  It seemed like nothing could put an end to our love or the good luck streak we were on.  We made all of our friends jealous by how happy we were together.  Our families loved us together.  I personally had never had a guy my parents liked as a potential husband for me.

Then, the symptoms started.  You noticed my skin getting hot and turning red first.  Then there were the hot flashes, the shakiness, and the dizziness.  We went to all of those doctors, er's, specialists.  They thought it was epilepsy, and medicated me.  You hugged that doctor!  But, yet nothing got better, and soon these symptoms turned into full blown panic attacks.  It wasn't long before I couldn't make it through a day of work.  I knew how you were about work...you work unless you are dieing.  But that is how it felt, like I was going to die.  And as days went by they got worse, and finally, the doctor decided it was best to take me out of work.  I know that disappointed you.  I know you thought I should just be able to snap out of it.  That month I was off wasn't too bad.  You did all the errands.  I cooked and cleaned the house every day for you.  Then the end of my leave was coming, and I was still nowhere near ready.  I guess you must have thought because I was drinking wine so heavily that I wasn't trying to get better.  I didn't know how to get better, the wine just made me feel somewhat normal.  Then there was the night that i threw up.  I didn't through up because I was drunk, I threw up because the meds made me sick, and there was blood in the vomit.  I woke you up after thinking long and hard about it, but I did.  You just thought it was sauce from our food, and were mad that I got drunk and threw up.  You never said it, you never said anything about how you were feeling.  I could only make assumptions.

Three days went by after that incident.  You didn't say much.  You started drinking heavier when you got home.  I knew something was up.  That day I spent hours getting ready just to go to the store to get you coffee creamer, and beer, and diet pepsi for me, and a card for you.  It took hours because I would have a panic attack with every step.  the check out line was the worst.  I could hardly bare it, but I made it through, i had to show you I was trying my best.  You got home, took your shower, found the card in your underwear drawer.  I thought for sure you would see that i tried, and be relieved.  Instead you told me you thought you should leave.  I was blown away.  How was I going to get by?  Were you leaving for good?  You told me that you thought I would get better without you there.  You also said you felt like you were having a break down of your own.  I cried so much those next few days, and i begged for you to come back.  I know that was hard for you because I was calling you at work.

Then I resolved to do whatever I could to get better.  making small trips to the store, just driving, etc.  I tried for about a week, and I told you everything I did.  I didn't tell you how HARD it was.  I didn't want you to be disappointed even more in me.  This went on for about a week, and then the final straw came the day you sent me the email that maybe we should take some time away to think, and then I tried to go to the store, and had a horrible attack at a stop light.  I couldn't do it anymore.  I just couldn't.  I took all of my pills, I slit my wrists, and I sent you the text.  I know the fact that I sent it to you hurt you, but I knew anyone else I told would tell you anyway, and leave it in your hands.  I thought I had sent the text on 2 hour delay, and it would be long enough for me to be gone, I guess it wasn't.  I was found just in the nick of time.

I have no idea what happened after that for the next week.  I have heard all the stories about how close I came to death.  I have heard about you getting kicked out of the hospital because you told the doctor and my parents you did not want a relationship with me if I survived.  But when I woke up, I begged for you, and they let you come back.  You were playing golf, and you left and drove straight to the hospital.  You hugged me tight and kissed me.  Told me you loved me, and you continued to act as my boyfriend until I went to the top floor.  There you told me that you couldn't bare to see me in the looney bin.  You did not see me until i was released.  You came to get the cards I wrote you and your family.  Still, you kissed and hugged me and told me you loved me.

Then you helped me move, still acting like a boyfriend.  Before we started the real packing, I asked you if you were sure you wanted to let what we had go.  You said you didn't think you could get over what happened, but you would always be my best friend.  Then we packed up everything.  You left me with a kiss and "I love you".

I got here, you called occasionally at first, and texted, emailed.  Then it started to slow down.  Now it has stopped all together.  I have been left with all the what ifs, and what could I have done's.  You have your new girl who you have been with since I left.  I can't let anyone in.  I have tried to get angry with you for leaving me, replacing me so quickly, not living up to the promise of being my best friend.  I should be angry.  I have put myself in your shoes SO many times, and every time, I would never have thought of leaving you.  I would have done ANYthing to help you get better.

I wrote this letter that you will never get so I could get some kind of closure.  i hope that someday I will go a day without you in my thoughts.  I hope I will go out on a date and not compare him to you.  I hope it works.  I have so much life to live and so much love to give, and I want that.  I want you gone from my mind.  I have to pretend you never existed so I can move on.  I know you want nothing to do with me, so I will never get the real closure i need, so this is how it ends.

Good bye Brad