startingover76's Journal

Wow, it's been a while.  I am in the last 4 days of my training program, and I am so glad.  It has been such a bore.  And test day is so stressful, because we read all the info that we can find, but sometimes there are questions on the test that we have no idea where they came from.  there is no structure to this program, just learn as you go, and hope you learned enough.  I have made it my goal to become the director of training and development for my company!  Anyway, things have been going well.  Still buying for the move when it happens, probably around February.  Still talking to a couple of guys I have met on Match, but keep chickening out on actually meeting them!  I guess I may still have some harbouring feelings about the ex.  I swear, he has been in my head a lot more lately.  I think that is because I finally quit trying to contact him, burned all of our pictures, and deleted all the hundreds of emails we sent to eachother.  Still wear the clothes he bought me, we had good taste for what each other liked to wear.  I have been enjoying the cooler weather.  I love to go to bed in my warm PJ's and turn on the heating pad, and just snuggle up in the new bed.  Man that memory foam is the best.  When I go back to my old job, I will be able to go back to therapy again.  I have to say, I did ok for 8 weeks without it, besides the thoughts of the ex, and there was one day I went to a meeting, and we all had to read aloud a policy, and as it got closer to me, I got that anxiety feeling, and when I did read, I was pretty shaky, and stuttered alot, and felt my palms sweating...but it didn't turn into full on panic attack, and I didn't feel the need to leave the room to get away from the feeling.  I read a paragraph, and tryed to make people laugh when I stuttered, and the passed it on to the next guy...the rest of the meeting I was fine, speaking up when I had a question, and laughing.  So, maybe I just need to up the anxiety med a little, and get my butt on some more dates, so I can get the damn guy out of my head.  I have been on a few dates, but always find a reason to let it fizzle out.  I know I'm probably just not ready, but I would also like to have someone to snuggle with sometimes, and feel close to, not like a friend closeness.  Let's just say I'm transitioning.  I am sorry for mot being on in so long.  But, working less hours has made me so much more active in other aspects in my life.  I start back at the old job on saturday, and I am so ready!  I gained 10 pounds from sitting around reading for 8 weeks!

Hugs to all, I'm still here!