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startingover76 
8:50pm, October 7, 2008
Well, I had to make the decision to stay up all night last night and all day today so I could fall asleep with Mike tonight. I have been staying up until he goes to work or shortly before. But WHEN I finally get diagnosed, treated, whatever is going to make me stop fainting, I will have to be up at 4 am, not going to bed then. I really can't wait to drive, work, make MONEY, and have a life again. I hate to lose my independance, and I hate the way this condition makes me feel...I'm always dizzy, and seeing stars when I get up, then I get nautious and have a migraine for the rest of the day. Today, amazingly enough, I haven't thought about the mounting bills, or my inability to pay them, or gaining weight. Maybe no sleep is a good thing. I have just been chilling with the cats, watching movies. I did put on a cute out fit, and did my hair and make up. We are not going anywhere tonight. It's raining, but, I think it's good for me...and him too, just to know that I am trying. I am so lucky to have found such a wonderful man. He may be a little TOO concerned about me. I think he may have his mind set that I may never work again. My mind is set that as soon as I get a release, I'm going back to work, doing everything I can to step back up to my old job, and getting a second job also until then. We were both used to being able to spend like crazy until we moved into together. We had to move in the middle of our two jobs, and both of us have at least a 45 minute commute, and our apartment is really pricey, but he wanted a safe place. We were hoping to save for a house after a year here. Doesn't look like that will happen, but we know it will someday.
UPDATED GOALS
Become me again
Progress 10%
Encouragements: 0
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Today was a better day all together. I still went to bed at 5:30, but not before I made love to my boyfriend before he left for work. That was very nice. We have been lacking there through my sickness. I woke up at 3, put on clothes, did my hair and make up and we went to the grocery store. I have to ride one of those motorized wheel chairs right now, just incase I faint or black out, and I know I look healthy, so sometimes I get those glares from the older people. Mike just kept telling me how beautiful I looked, and kissing me like crazy. He said it's just nice to see you in real clothes. So I am at least going to make the attempt to get up and get dressed every day. It sure paid off tonight. We made love 3 more times, and the way he kissed me was like when we first met. I am suffering from a pretty bad head ache now, but I do feel much more at ease. The only down side is he took some pictures of me and the cats, and I got to see how fat my face really looks from the predisone. I told him no more pics until my fat face is gone. So, all in all, a better day. Not a perfect day. That would be both of us coming home from work, working out, fixing dinner together, making love, taking a bubble bath, and falling asleep together. Soon, I hope that will be the routine we take again, used to be a ritual.
UPDATED GOALS
Become me again
Progress 5%
Encouragements: 0
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I really can't take what my life has once again turned into. My boyfriend went alone to his aunt and uncle's 50th anniversary party. I haven't even got the chance to meet these people. I told him last night, it just wasn't a good time for me to meet new people because when they ask questions about me...well there aren't too many good answers. I am out of work until a miracle doctor finds a cure for my fainting, dizzines, and migraines; I am severely depressed, and my face is this puffy because I have been on predizone for a month now, and if that doesn't work, I get to go on it again...and oh yeah, sorry about the way this out fit looks on me...I can't afford anything new because I have driven myself into a hole I can't climb out of by myself. God I hate myself for even talking this way. I used to be so positive, not anymore. I truly hate myself right now, for feeling so sorry for myself, and letting life pass me by, but right now, all I can manage is just making it through the day. I WANT MY LIFE BACK!!!!! I WANT TO BE HAPPY AGAIN!!! Anyone got a magic wand? Right now, I would settle for a good sleeping pill to get this day over with. My head is killing me.
Past Entries
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Good luck stay postive. I'm happy to see that you have found a wonderful man. Take each and every day as it comes. We just moved closer to make family. I just posted some pictures of my grandkids. they are the joy of my life. Everyone is have a hard time right now. Enjoy what you have big or small. I'm doing ok just tired so I'm off to bed. Big Hugs and love Suzanne
ssuba
Good luck stay postive. I'm happy to see that you have found a wonderful man. Take each and every day as it comes. We just moved closer to make family. I just posted some pictures of my grandkids. they are the joy of my life. Everyone is have a hard time right now. Enjoy what you have big or small. I'm doing ok just tired so I'm off to bed. Big Hugs and love Suzanne
ssuba