Journal

He's gone couple weeks now.. and i don't miss him.. not even one tiny bit..  i feel free to be me again.. i can smile and laugh again..  and with the one i love who makes me feel SO LOVED every day.. i can hardly believe that i am capable of feeling this way! We had such a wonderful weekend together.. went blueberry picking, made a nice dinner for her, yesterday went for a ride on the blue ridge parkway then up to see one of the mtns... and last night played scrabble.. haven't done that in ages!!

He is back up north living with mommy and daddy and annoying his old friends (who have families now) i'm sure...  he continues to blame me for everything.. either i'm going thru a 'midlife crisis' or that 'i've gone off the deepend' .. and you know what? thats ok... if it helps him move on and get past this then so be it! i just dont care what he says or does anymore.. i'm moving past this too..

He's finally gone!!! and not without a bang either.. past couple days he's been stirring up trouble via his parents.. them telling him we should have listed the house for more.. and its just crazy.. they want us to list the house for $50,000 more then its valued at!!! i told him not only is that just crazy in this market but no lender will finance anyone who's paying a price so high on a house that has such a lower value.. night before last he told me he was going to buy me out in a couple of months and would offer no explanation on how he plans to do this..  then i find out he wanted to write me a check for $30k and have me turn my head and walk away WITH my name still on the mortgage while he and his parents try to sell it for more! so yesterday he goes to see the realtor and get him to change it without my permission... comes back here with a paper for me to sign saying i agree to this.. i told him.. you refinance that house in your name get my name off and give me a check for $30k and we got a deal.. in the meantime the listing price stays and if we get a decent offer we accept it! he was not happy with me yesterday.. too Fn bad! i said i'm not sitting on a house for years making payments when i know it won't sell for that... dork! Man i'm so glad he's out of my life!!! I will not miss one single thing about him!!! nothing! i don't even like the man anymore..

He leaves tomorrow morning.. then he's flying back monday to rent a moving truck and leaving Tuesday for good.. and i won't be able to breath easier until he's gone for good on Tuesday..but its real close!!!

and..I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE SURE OF ANYTHING IN MY LIFE!!! i have not a single doubt in my mind that this is the right thing! i have learned so much about him in these past few weeks.. some from people who finally felt free to tell me what a arogant, self centered ass he is like his old boss i ran into last week..  he started a rumor about me in the store he worked at... he's lied to my face so many times when i stood there knowing the real truth..

for awhile during these past couple months, i was kicking myself around for being so nieve all these years... and just tolarating his crap.. but i just wasn't ready yet.. and the timing was wrong.. but things will be ok from here on out.. ive got a whole new life to look forward to... and that just makes me want to cry happy tears!! he was bad for me, i see that now.. we had a disfunctional relationship.. he took away from me my self respect, my self image, my identity, and my ability to share the love i had stored inside me..

boy i have a lot of work to do. the layers need to come off before i can reinvent myself.. but now that he'll be gone i can finally start to heal and move forward and let him take that negativity with him out the door.

just got back from having the separation agreement papers signed and notarized.. so its legal now.. just have to wait a year to be officially divorced :(  geeze.....