Journal

I am part of a weight loss sight called SparkPeople. I've been doing it for 2 weeks now. I love it. The support & resources there are incredible. One little thing they do, if  you choose to get it, is send out a daily quote. Then they give you an option to relflect on it in your daily journal. When I choose to reflect I note the quote and it's accompanying description with my journal entry so when I go back to read it at another date, it will make sense.  Here is the journal entry that I wrote on there for today's quote. 

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Quote for today:
Wisdom has two parts: 1)-Having a lot to say. 2)-Not saying it.
- Church billboard in Vermont

Description:
 One common trait to nearly every good leader is the art of listening. Many times, the best leaders can be among the quietest in the room. They know their time is well spent in hearing new perspectives, ideas, and thoughts. It's how they grow personally and build visions. The wisest leaders know that hearing themselves talk is no way to build trust and goodwill. You can do the same thing. When a friend needs to talk, resist the urge to give advice right away and just listen. Ask questions, and really try to understand the answer. When a customer calls, don't say a word about your product until you fully know their needs. When your spouse is hurting, it's not the time to prove that you were right. Over time, you can develop that leader-like sense of when to open your mouth and when to keep it clamped firmly shut.  

My reflection:
I've been told all my life.. "you're so quiet". I also know that most of what I say never gets said. It's a big part, I think, of the reason why I've always felt so invisible. There's so much inside me that I want to let out...and it never get's let out. No one ever hears that person inside me that's always screaming. Of course, I have learned over the years that this is probably for the best... keep your mouth shut! Paul always told me not to bother to say stuff to people 'cause they're not smart enough to 'get it' anyway so why bother. You're just gonna frustrate yourself trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. They'll learn their lesson just as I did at some point along the way and if they don't it'll happen on Judgment Day just as it will for ever single person on earth. This is all true... but the tension that builds inside after years of keeping your mouth shut isn't relieved. It's still there. There's so much tension from all kinds of sources in my life... years worth... a life time's worth... all building up and I've never really learned how to deal with it. How do I just "let it go"? That's like telling some "OK... starting right now you're never allowed to think about elephants". Well, guess what you're gonna be thinking about for quite some time! To "let it go" to me is equivalent to sweeping it under the rug. What does that solve? The mess is still there waiting to be discovered and create an even bigger mess later when all the messes you've ever swept under the rug all get revealed at the same time!  I know this, in part, all traces back to faith in God and forgiveness of others as He has done for you. Sometimes I just feel so weak and like such a failure because my faith isn't strong enough...and because I'm not sure that I've forgiven the people that I truly intend on forgiving. Sometimes it seems that I've missed some very important life's lessons somewhere along the way. It's like I was missing from class for a whole year and never knew it. Where was I when all the cool lessons were being taught?

Dear God:
Please help me to learn the lesson's I've missed. Please help my faith to become stronger. Please help me truly forgive those who I need to forgive. Please teach me to truly let things go and to let go of the past so I can move on with my future. I pray for these things in Jesus' name. Amen.