Join Now
LanaG 
12:06am, July 27, 2009
Thoughts on losing a child…more than 3 years later
After more than 3 years after the death of my only child, I sit and reflect on that loss. The tears do not come every day like they did before. The pit in my stomach has healed…or at least it appears to have healed. On the outside, I appear to be whole again. I laugh and joke with my friends. I play golf, sing, and continue to live my life like I used to…before my only child was taken from me. So have I truly healed? Have I “moved on”?
It seems to me that we do not move on as much as we learn to live with it. My pain has become my friend and goes with me everywhere. I do my best to forget it is hanging around me. And I manage to do that for extended periods of time. But if I let down my guard for a moment, it appears and the heart-wrenching pit in my stomach returns. I think to myself that it just can’t be. It has been more than 3 years…she surely must still be here. The tears return. The emptiness in my soul overtakes any joy or happiness I have found.
So, when the tears are gone, does that mean we have accepted the horror of our lives? Have we learned to live again? It seems to me that we manage to go on with our lives; not because we want to, but because we have to. Our lives have been forever shattered but we have chosen to continue in the memory of our children. I have become calmer now since she left me but the pain in my heart is still there. I am more accepting of the reality of her death. And peace has been a part of my life. But the grief will always walk hand in hand with me. It is now a part of my life that I have accepted. We cannot fight it because reality cannot be changed no matter how much we wish it. And maybe that is what true acceptance is: accepting our grief in an impossible situation …with grace, courage, and honor.
Comments
November 08, 2009
Be Thankful Even in Tough Times
by Rick Warren
"May you always be joyful in your union with the Lord. I say it again: rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4 TEV).
In Philippians 4, Paul says, "May you always be joyful in your life in the Lord." Can we really be joyful in all circumstances? The Bible suggests the following strategy:
Don't worry about anything--Worrying doesn't change anything. It's stewing without doing. There are no such things as born-worriers. Worry is a learned response. You learned it from your parents. You learned it from your peers. You learned it from experience. That's good news. The fact that worry is learned means it can also be unlearned.
How do you unlearn it? Jesus says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34 NIV). He's saying don't open your umbrella until it starts raining. Don't worry about tomorrow. Live one day at a time.
Pray about everything--Next, instead of worrying, use your time for praying. If you prayed as much as you worried, you'd have a whole lot less to worry about. Some people think God only cares about religious things, such as how many people I invite to church or my tithing. Is God interested in car payments? Yes. He's interested in every detail of your life. That means you can take any problem you face to God.
Thank God in all things--Whenever you pray, you should always pray with thanksgiving. The healthiest human emotion is not love but gratitude. It actually increases your immunities. It makes you more resistant to stress and less susceptible to illness. People who are grateful are happy. But people who are ungrateful are miserable because nothing makes them happy. They're never satisfied. It's never good enough. So if you cultivate the attitude of gratitude, of being thankful in everything, it reduces stress in your life.
Think about the right things--If you want to reduce the level of stress in your life, you must change the way you think because the way you think determines how you feel. And the way you feel determines how you act, which is why the Bible teaches that, if you want to change your life, you need to change what you’re thinking about.
This involves a deliberate conscious choice where you change the channels. You choose to think about the right things. Because the root cause of stress is the way we choose to think, we need to focus on the positive and on God's word.
What is the result of not worrying, praying about everything, giving thanks, and focusing on the right things? Paul tells us the result is, "you will experience God's peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your heart quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus."
What a guarantee!
Today on PurposeDriven.com
Be Thankful Even in Tough Times
by Rick Warren
"May you always be joyful in your union with the Lord. I say it again: rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4 TEV).
In Philippians 4, Paul says, "May you always be joyful in your life in the Lord." Can we really be joyful in all circumstances? The Bible suggests the following strategy:
Don't worry about anything--Worrying doesn't change anything. It's stewing without doing. There are no such things as born-worriers. Worry is a learned response. You learned it from your parents. You learned it from your peers. You learned it from experience. That's good news. The fact that worry is learned means it can also be unlearned.
How do you unlearn it? Jesus says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34 NIV). He's saying don't open your umbrella until it starts raining. Don't worry about tomorrow. Live one day at a time.
Pray about everything--Next, instead of worrying, use your time for praying. If you prayed as much as you worried, you'd have a whole lot less to worry about. Some people think God only cares about religious things, such as how many people I invite to church or my tithing. Is God interested in car payments? Yes. He's interested in every detail of your life. That means you can take any problem you face to God.
Thank God in all things--Whenever you pray, you should always pray with thanksgiving. The healthiest human emotion is not love but gratitude. It actually increases your immunities. It makes you more resistant to stress and less susceptible to illness. People who are grateful are happy. But people who are ungrateful are miserable because nothing makes them happy. They're never satisfied. It's never good enough. So if you cultivate the attitude of gratitude, of being thankful in everything, it reduces stress in your life.
Think about the right things--If you want to reduce the level of stress in your life, you must change the way you think because the way you think determines how you feel. And the way you feel determines how you act, which is why the Bible teaches that, if you want to change your life, you need to change what you’re thinking about.
This involves a deliberate conscious choice where you change the channels. You choose to think about the right things. Because the root cause of stress is the way we choose to think, we need to focus on the positive and on God's word.
What is the result of not worrying, praying about everything, giving thanks, and focusing on the right things? Paul tells us the result is, "you will experience God's peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will keep your thoughts and your heart quiet and at rest as you trust in Christ Jesus."
What a guarantee!
Today on PurposeDriven.com
Comments
-
thank you, so nice to hear from you. i have missed your entries lately. hope you are doing all right. take care my friend. love, donna
-
Thank you for this post....I have been uplifted lately and quieted by reading books by Charles Spurgeon...you may want to check him out. Believe me...the last eight months I have not wanted to read the Bible or go to church...the fog is beginning to lift and I am receiving His word...God has granted me peace today and I am thankful...He is GOOD....love to you....Dale, Brandon's Mom
-
thank you for sharing this. It is food for thought and certainly helps to uplift. Love, Belinda
-
Thank you for sharing the positive messages in God's word. That is exactly what the service was about Sunday. Instead of preaching, the preacher turned the service over to a man that was lead to testify. He is 38 years old, with 2 small children. He has an inoperable brain tumor. He shared the same scriptures. His attitude and humor, even though he knows he is facing death, is amazing.
Hugs, Barbara
-
I love your inspirational journals. Thank you so much for sharing them. They always lift my spirits. Love, Julia
-
Thank you Lana for sharing this and for this reminder. I always pray with Thanks but this reminds me...everytime I start to worry, I just need to change it to prayer. Hugs, Kim
-
A good philosophy and I like the phrase, "stewing without doing". We do indeed have some choices about what we do in life and I for one am trying to remind myself of all I still have to be grateful for and what I want to make of the rest of my life and the choices I can make. Thanks for sharing. Good luck and take care.
-
I try to remind myself every day of my blessings despite my tragedy. While I am all alone now, I have a good roof over my head, plenty of food, my sweet little animals, and my very precious friends. Many people do not have that...and I thank God that I am truly blessed. This life is short and we will be with our loved ones again....very shortly. in the meantime, we need to acknowledge our blessings...even though we would give ALL of that up to have our loved one back with us. Hugging you all tightly!! love, lana
-
thank Lana! sometimes i 4get 2 pray instead of worring. it is the most wonderful feeling 2 have the peace of God flow thru my body. God promises us that He is with those who thank & praise Him. He just wants us 2 give Him the glory & honor & keep blessing us. hugs & lol. bess
Natalie Grant
Miscellaneous
In Better Hands
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
[ Natalie Grant Lyrics
are found on www.songlyrics.com ]
There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isnt true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I'm in better hands now
Miscellaneous
In Better Hands
It's hard to stand on shifting sand
It's hard to shine in the shadows of the night
You can't be free if you don't reach for help
You cant love if you dont love yourself
There is hope when my faith runs out
Cause I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I am strong all because of you
I stand in awe of every mountain that you move
Oh I am changed, yesterday is gone
I am safe from this moment on
[ Natalie Grant Lyrics
are found on www.songlyrics.com ] There's no fear when the night comes 'round
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
It's like the sun is shining when the rain is pouring down
It's like my soul is flying though my feet are on the ground
Its like the world is silent though I know it isnt true
Its like the breath of Jesus is right here in this room
So take this heart of mine there's no doubt
I'm in better hands now
I'm in better hands now
Comments
-
Thank you for those words....I really like Natalie Grant. I have one of her cds ..I will check to see if this is on it. God bless you......Love...Dale...Brandon's Mom
-
This is beautiful, my friend! Thanks for sharing! Love, Judy
-
thank you also, how are you doing these days? i think about you. love, donna
-
Thanks for sharing. I LOVE Natalie Grant.
-
Missing Alicia each and every day!
-
I have never heard of Natalie Grant. I will check her out. The lyrics are lovely.
Past Entries
Goal Updated
Great entry Lana. Like you, I have good times, even happy times and can even go on with my life, but thoughts of my son being gone are always in my peripheral vision. I keep them there and stay the straight course most days to avoid crossing over to the edge where that black hole resides. Most days are now easy to avoid that edge but every now and again I go there. Peace and love to you. Robin
Robin4
I think you said it all Lana: we learn to live with the grief. How can it ever leave us? What else can we do but learn to live with it? So it becomes a part of us. There is no other way. You are a a couple of years ahead of me on his journey. I approach my son's first Angel Day in 9 days. I have no idea how it will be three years from now, but I somehow doubt that your pain is any less than mine or that time has softened those rough moments. I am just trying to live a life like you said: with grace, courage and honor. In my case, I do have another child to think of as well. For him, I continue to try. Love to you, Lana. I am glad that you enjoy your sports, just as your daughter did. She would want you to do that! Love, B
BinkyH
This was put beautifully, Lana! It isn't so much that the grief is gone,...it will never be. The tears are always at the ready, even when they aren't spilled.--We go on,..we have to,...or else we die. In the beginning, I felt I could not live without my child,...but I have, and in some ways I have grown. I have become an instrument to help other parents going through the same horror. And, it is and always has been--that I wish to live my life to make my son proud of me. I know he loves me and wants me to be happy,...as your daughter does you. Tight hugs, Hon! Love you, Judy
JudyWI
I am approaching 3 years, and it's so hard to beleive I've survived this long. But like you I've made a choice to do more than just survive....I'm made a choice to live my life to the best of my ability. I now find joy in the simple pleasures of life and I smile more often and even allow laughter be a part of my life. In all the smiles and all the laughter though there remains a pain in my heart that can never leave me. I have accepted reality and now live in that acceptance. Your courage and inspiration through the years have given me a hope for life. I thank you for being my friend and for sharing Alicia with us these past 3 years. Peace and love to you, Teri.
RememberKala
It will be 3 yrs on Thanksgiving day for me. I wake up every morning and dont want to wake up every morning. sending you love.
mari3333
Lana, you have put exactly what my heart feels into words. This was a beautifully put journal. Thank you so much for sharing it. This grief is now a part of our life and we will just continue to walk with it, hand in hand and the tears will continue to return, but we will continue on. Hugs to you, Kim
KimRW
Beautifully and very well put, Lana. I've never liked the phrase, "moving on". We do learn to carry on with this new life we now have but we carry the loss and sadness with us wherever we go and whatever we do. Wishing you much peace and calm.
pneylan
Hugging you all tightly! Our angels are shining down on us...lifting our spirits high!!
LanaG
Lana, that was such a profound, wise entry. if you dont mind i am going to pass that to my hospice grief group and will remove your name. please let me know if that is all right. we in our group are just struggling because of the holidays. i thought this information you gave us may help them. thank you for your pearls of wisdom. love donna
misshimsooo