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JeweI 
5:04pm, September 20, 2009
So I am sitting around feeling hunky dory. Sleeping the day away. Chilin out the rest of the day. Montel comes on and it is about these women who were abused. I thought it would be good for me to watch. This one women had her fathers baby when she was 13 years old. Montel asked her "how do you feel about your dad?". She said she just doesn't care. She is numb to him. I was exspecting her to say I hate the SOB. Then I turn it around. Ask myself the same question and am surprised the I have no anger towards my family for what they have done. Now I am just sitting surprised that I don't hate the SOBs. I never have. I just have always accepted this was my sorry excuse for a life. My childhood is gone. Unlike most people I don't wish to be a child again. That was the hardest time of my life. At what point do I stop being scared to upset someone and begin doing what I want. I don't even know what I want of my life. My last day on this earth, what can I do to make myself proud.
As an abused child you are trained to jump through all these hoops. You must do this or be beaten or torture. I lived my whole life jumping to escape the pain. I am so use to jumping I am scared to stop. I keep jumping unnessarsarily through hoops, for my husband and even for God. I am so scared that something terrible will happen to me if I can't keep them happy. I am scared of my husband and of God. My husband asked me "we have been together 10 years, why are you still scared of me?". I don't know why. Why I can't move past this. I can't stop my self from being scared. Why I am scared of God. He loves me more than anyone ever has. He wants the absolute best for my life. I truly feel that without him I would have died a long time ago.
When do I let go of the fear and grab hold of my life?
Comments
Maybe you are so scared because of the childhood you had. I hope you can find a way to let go of your fear. Lots of love and hugs to you..
sabercat
The opisite of fear is faith. I've been there. Keep praying. That's what I've been doing to get through the rough patches
lin2
Hon, Your not the only one who has trouble with fear. I often feel full of what if this what if that. I often wish my dad would stop watching the news and crime programs on tv like CSI. I often wonder if I would be less fearful if my dad wasnm't watching the news and some kind of crime progarm on tv. I feel like I can't say anything to him about it since he's the man of the house. I just get tired of walking into the family room and seeing a dead body from some tv crime program. I know it's all play acting but, still violence. Hugs, Sherilyn
Barfbucket