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JeweI 
5:04pm, September 20, 2009
So Here I am at 11:00 at night crying myself to sleep again. How come the people I care about don't care about me. My husband just lays in bed pretenting he doesn't hear my cries. I just wish I had the guts to do it. Sad thing is no one will miss me until I am gone for good. Then will they realize they should have put more effort into our relationship. No one calls me to see if I am still alive. No one wipes these tears from my eyes. My heart is just broken and empty now a days. I fake my way through the day. Sleep when no one is around. Go through the motions of a happy person when they are around. Staring at the pills praying I won't down them. It feels like my antidepressant has just given up on me. My nutritionist is even frustrated with me. I forgot to tell her I had PCOS. That just seems like a lifetime ago that I was told that. Now this endocrinologist I went to says I probably have syndrome x. Which is almost diabetes. Finances are just a mess. My son was sick this week and we didn't even have the money to take him to the doctor. So we had to write a bad check. I hate that. I hate myself for it. I had to call his school today and work out a payment plan. I asked my husband to call the mortgage co and do the same thing but he is putting it off. I live in fear everyday that our car will be repossed or I will be arrested for driving without registration. Someone broke in our house last week while we were sleeping so now I lay awake all night listening for them to come back. My husband has taken over paying the bills and he just isn't paying them on time. But I couldn't handle the stress of it. He has gotten in such a hole that he showed me where we stand and it is just depressing. I told him just to let them reposses the car. I don't want to live under this stress for a car. A Material possesion. He just feels we are so close to paying it off that we can keep getting by on the skin of our teeth until it is. But we are sinking fast. and he just sits there unable to make decisions. Waiting for the inevitable.our credit is going to be so screwed up. But I just have to sit and watch for now. I can't leave him because I couldn't survive on my own. So i just have to watch him screw up and suffer along with him when the consequences bit us in the ... Is this even a good enough reason to leave him? Because he can't pay the bills? Its a huge character flaw. It was on thing when money was tight but now I give him my disability check every month. He says it goes to pay my doc bills but I know I am not spending 900 a month at the doc. I spend about 300. And my son's disability covers his preschool. So why am I negatiating a payment plan with the school. Where did that money go. I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend or something. Thats just a paranoid thought right?
Comments
Money problems are the hardest to deal with. I'm in the same boat although things are getting better because my husbands painting is picking up. I can only work part time. My councellor is setting me up with a disability expert. They say I can work part time and be on disability, I don't know but they are concerened about me and money being a part of my stress. They also say I'm on the verge of another eposode because of the stress. When it comes to money I find partners get sneaky about it. They just don't want you to worry. Hang in there. At least you have your disability, it could be so much worse.
lin2