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JeweI 
5:04pm, September 20, 2009
I fiquered I need to write in here today because I have so many people worried about me. After my last entry I realized I was in crisis again so the next morning I checked in the hospital again. They added provigil to my daily meds. It is a med used for narcolepsy. I keeps me from falling asleep all day. When I got home I went to the endo and he confirmed that I have PCOS and syndrome x. Both are insulin disorders. Which is possably another reason why I was so tired. I am now on metformin. All the sleeping was causing so much guilt in me I just wanted to end it all. I am doing much better now. I have 3 flower gardens I planted. And I am keeping up with the house work. My mood is better but not yet 100%. I am getting my Kick ass aatttitude back. I got my hair cut colored highlighted , got my pedicure going. My husband said "you have spent too much money on yourself". Instead of felling guilty a "screw you" came into my head. Who the hell does he think he is. I am tired of looking like a bum. I also bought my husband and son new clothes because they always look like bums. My husband decided not to pay the mortgage anymore and we are trying to short sale our house. We can't afford our mortgage and the things we need anymore. So He decided just not to pay it anymore. Well if we ain't paying it anymore we don't have to walk aroung looking like bums anymore.
My husband spent one evening complaining about all the gay people. I told him he needed to get over it. Gay people are people too and they should be able to put a pretty statue downtown just like anyone else. Jesus said the greatest commandment was to love God and the second is like it love people. We are all sinners in the same basket who said I had the right to put someone else down. He was just being so loud and obnoxiuos about it in a public place that I finally had to say something because he was embarrassing me. He would never do that stuff when it comes to black people but gays and mexicans are free targets to him and I hate it. I am shedding my timidity and telling him to bugger off.
I signed up to take a vet tech course today. I have also been calling the humane society trying to get an interview.
I took my son to a GI doc yesterday. They say his rectum has streached out and become weak because of the constant constipation. Thats why he can't control his bowel movements. He has to be on a laxative for a year so the rectum can repair itself.
So thats all thats going on with me. Trying to get back to my old self.
Comments
So Here I am at 11:00 at night crying myself to sleep again. How come the people I care about don't care about me. My husband just lays in bed pretenting he doesn't hear my cries. I just wish I had the guts to do it. Sad thing is no one will miss me until I am gone for good. Then will they realize they should have put more effort into our relationship. No one calls me to see if I am still alive. No one wipes these tears from my eyes. My heart is just broken and empty now a days. I fake my way through the day. Sleep when no one is around. Go through the motions of a happy person when they are around. Staring at the pills praying I won't down them. It feels like my antidepressant has just given up on me. My nutritionist is even frustrated with me. I forgot to tell her I had PCOS. That just seems like a lifetime ago that I was told that. Now this endocrinologist I went to says I probably have syndrome x. Which is almost diabetes. Finances are just a mess. My son was sick this week and we didn't even have the money to take him to the doctor. So we had to write a bad check. I hate that. I hate myself for it. I had to call his school today and work out a payment plan. I asked my husband to call the mortgage co and do the same thing but he is putting it off. I live in fear everyday that our car will be repossed or I will be arrested for driving without registration. Someone broke in our house last week while we were sleeping so now I lay awake all night listening for them to come back. My husband has taken over paying the bills and he just isn't paying them on time. But I couldn't handle the stress of it. He has gotten in such a hole that he showed me where we stand and it is just depressing. I told him just to let them reposses the car. I don't want to live under this stress for a car. A Material possesion. He just feels we are so close to paying it off that we can keep getting by on the skin of our teeth until it is. But we are sinking fast. and he just sits there unable to make decisions. Waiting for the inevitable.our credit is going to be so screwed up. But I just have to sit and watch for now. I can't leave him because I couldn't survive on my own. So i just have to watch him screw up and suffer along with him when the consequences bit us in the ... Is this even a good enough reason to leave him? Because he can't pay the bills? Its a huge character flaw. It was on thing when money was tight but now I give him my disability check every month. He says it goes to pay my doc bills but I know I am not spending 900 a month at the doc. I spend about 300. And my son's disability covers his preschool. So why am I negatiating a payment plan with the school. Where did that money go. I hope he doesn't have a girlfriend or something. Thats just a paranoid thought right?
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Money problems are the hardest to deal with. I'm in the same boat although things are getting better because my husbands painting is picking up. I can only work part time. My councellor is setting me up with a disability expert. They say I can work part time and be on disability, I don't know but they are concerened about me and money being a part of my stress. They also say I'm on the verge of another eposode because of the stress. When it comes to money I find partners get sneaky about it. They just don't want you to worry. Hang in there. At least you have your disability, it could be so much worse.
Last night I was suppose to pick my sister up to stay the night. When I got there she told me she changed her mind and wasn't coming over but that we were invited to hang out at Gators Bar and grill with my Dad for his birthday. So we went to Gators and He wasn't there. We ate and he never showed. I called him. He didn't answer. I just feel like I keep trying to have a relationship with them and they keep shutting me down. They don't want to be around me and my family. So i am just gonna stop calling and visiting. If they ever decide they want to be a part of my family they can call me because I am tired of crying myself to sleep because of them.
UPDATED GOALS
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You have a big heart that everyone is walking on. Maybe this is not so much dysfunction but that they have busy lives and are being selfish not to spend time with your wonderful family. Sit back and take care of yourself, your son and husband. That in the end is what really matters. Be open to receiving and giving love and maybe one day it will all work out.
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Past Entries
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That's so nice getting your hair done. You do seem like a different person, maybe its because they figured out your RX. Finally! better late than never. You keep taking care of your family and schooling is a great idea. Post a picture of your new hairdo. Take care lin
lin2
Glad to hear that they got your meds figured out, it sounds lke it is helping and going on a shopping trip and getting your hair done must have seemend so nice. I hope things continue to improve..
sabercat
Thats fun you got a new hair style. When were you in the hospital? I was in the hospital reccentaly myself. I woke up one morning with real sharp pain all over my stomach and was having high blood pressure problems too. I had to drink two of those nasty oral contrast so they can do a cat scan of my stomach and bowls in my instestines. They didn't use the dye since I have problems with it. They dianiosed me with having IBS and also put me on some Laxtive and Colace. Whoopie! Good luck with taking a class and trying to get that job. What is wrong with your husband not wanting to pay the mortage payment? Whats wrong with him period? He acting like a imature pig headed jerk who needs a realatity check.
Take Care, Sherilyn
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