Just wanted to say that I am very …
Just wanted to say that I am very happy today because we finally got to go on our helicopter ride that was a wedding …
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KACKY 
8:32pm Tuesday
So I don't know what my problem is, very very unhappy and can't find "ME". You know how we just don't know what's wrong and don't know how to fix it, very confusing I know. I love being a mom, wife and friend but I always feel like I have no "ME" time. I'm always going here and there, going to work, doing this and that for everyone else but have no time for "ME". I don't have DS time like I used to and it's hurting me big time. I really need you guys so if I can only get on once a week then I will at least do that and not get upset about it cuz I can only do what I can do. Jim's schedule is swing so different shift every week and it's so hard, I think I can do it but it's really taking it's toll and I thought I'd be used to it by now but as long as he's on this schedule I will continue to be a single parent handling everything.
I was really upset over the weekend, binged out of control and was very unhappy with myself. This is not like me, it's almost like I've gotten into that depression stage again. A lot of it has to do with being alone, feeling alone and just being that mom and wife and nothing else. I love being that but I'm wanting more, I want to be a mom and wife but also be happy too and I don't know where the happiness went. I used to have that spark, that drive, that motivation and determination. These days I'm tired, crabby and not myself at all.
I always do things for others and when I really want to do something it just doesn't happen. My boss was having a party and I really wanted to go and even got to the point where I was so upset about it that felt very overwhelmed, like I was gonna cry, had that hurt in my chest that I was so upset. I always do things for others and I mentioned to Jim's sister's Dee and also Kim but neither one of them offered and I never hesitate to drop what I'm doing to help them out. You know what I did instead, I went school shopping for Jimmy with Jim's mom and then we went to dinner. I could have asked Jim's mom but she is doing so much for us with watching Jimmy since he's been off camp and now when school starts she's gonna get him on and off the bus each and every day - that's gonna be an adjustment but she said she would help us out. He is going to a public school this year for the 1st time, always went to private (catholic). He is going into the 2nd grade.
Anyways, I have to find a sitter for Jimmy on Sept 4th for the h.s. get together at the bar - can't wait. I think I will have Jim's mom pick Jimmy and I up and have her to drop me off at the bar and then have Jim pick me up that evening after he gets off work so I don't have to drive. Maybe have Jimmy spend the night too. I also have that 5k on the 6th but I am watching Jim's sisters kids and dogs that Saturday night the 5th so they can go downtown for a wedding and spend the night. I dunno but I deff. am not ready for the 5k, I know there will be more and I am very disappointed in myself right now.
I just have to get a game plan, plan ahead, prepare meals, get things in order and on schedule so during the week things will go smooth ( dinner, homework, clean up, etc. ). I really need to plan meals ahead so they are healthy for all of us. I am very unorganized right now, not sure what direction to go in.
Jim and I are in the process of changing doctors so I need to find someone that understands me and can help me figure out what's wrong so I can get myself back in the right direction.
Well today I did good. Ate well and did the 30 Day Shred DVD.
Food was fiber one bar, yogurt, chicken salad for lunch and dinner (w/light ranch, cucumbers, banana peppers and tomatoes), also grapes and strawberries today.
Alright, need to get Jimmy and myself showered. Want to wait up for Jim tonight so late night as far as bed. I want to tell Jim how I'm feeling but not sure just yet if I want to talk to him about it, it's kinda embarressing.
Thanks for listening and hoping to catch up on everyone's journals soon.
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Oh Kathy I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I struggled with depression for awhile when I was in college, and I know how you feel when you just can't seem to fix your emotions. I think it would be a great idea to talk to Jim about how you feel and about how you never seem to have time for yourself. Not having any "ME" time is really seeming to take it's toll on you and I think he needs to know that. You're a great mom and wife but you are also KATHY and you need to take care of yourself too. If you don't, who will? Don't be disappointed in yourself because we all go through rough points where we just can't seem to get it right, but if you take the time to recognize the problem and work on a solution, you will get there. Stay strong lady, I love you!
BlondeAmbition30
I am so sorry Kathy. I know how much you put others before yourself, and I can see how hard it is to maintain your sense of identity BEYOND being a mom and wife. What does Kathy want? If it is to go out every once in a while, then reach out and ask for a helping hand so you can have YOU time. You shouldn't feel guilty asking for help, you do so much and I am sure that everyone in your life sees that and would be more than happy to lend a hand in return. You just have to ask. :) And talking about this with Jim shouldn't be too embarassing, I know how much you guys are truly partners in life and have been through years and years of life together, I can't imagine you not being able to open up at this point :( I am sorry that you are feeling out of sorts. Focus on what KATHY needs and standing up and asking for help when you need it. There is nothing wrong with reaching out for help so that you get what you need. :) I love you Kathy, and we love seeing your updates no matter if it is once a day or once a week. You are loved. :)
smileLisa
I love you! So sorry you are going through this. I know in so many ways what you are going through. work for me is beyond overwhelming and I have no life outside of work, my husband and my son. Did you get a chance to talk with Jim? Hopefully for me, Paul will pick up some slack around here so I can work some OT and get some things caught up. But hang in there and I will too. I am just going to do my best. I have these goals and I have these feelings that I need to be a certain way or I need to be perfect or I should be thinner or more fit. Then life happens. So until things in my life straighten out, I am just going to do my best and try hard not to let it bother me. i hope you can do that too. Take care! Hugs!
Kahlua13
Here's what I think about "ME" time. Once you are a mom/wife something in your life becomes more important than YOU. That selfishness just disappears and something bigger takes over and your eyes really open. So when you have time alone that is "ME" time that you desperately hoped for, it sucks because all you think of is THEM. What are they doing, are they OK, mind on them constantly because you are the caregiver for them...etc. Now I'm not saying we shouldn't ever get away but that carefree way of going anywhere without THEM will be gone forever. Some moms can I guess go out and have time alone without the missing right arm feeling but I think you're like me, and will likely always be a MOM. Just wish I could have one trip to the mall without that feeling that I belong somewhere else quick, you know? John is like Jim I feel funny dumping my feelingy crap on him too. Men usually aren't into it and I just don't like adding to his stress most of the time. Sorry you are feeling OFF. Hope today is a better day emotionally and remember you always have us to vent to. I'll listen anytime. You are a wonderful friend and I'm lucky to have you in my corner. Wish I could have had Jimmy come play over here so you could have gone to the party. Bet he'd love my AJ he's 10. Younger kids always love the next bigger kid. Hope the bar reunion is so much fun. Have a couple shots and you'll forget you're a mom really fast! ENJOY!
Emily75
I'm with Em, when you are a mom "me" time takes on a whole new meaning. I know whenever I've gone with my girlfriends I usually end up getting up at like 5 or 6 the next morning and getting home because I feel so bad about being away. I do think it is important to try and find some balance though. I make time for tae bo and running and I know my girls are proud of me for that. I know that off feeling and I get it sometimes too. Its so hard to be a mom and with Jim's schedule I know how hard that can be for you, we've had to work around every shift there is at my house. I hope you start feeling better soon and that your 5K goes well. Don't feel guily about not getting on here as much or for not feeling like the happiest person in the world. Give yourself a break Kathy, life is hard enough without beating yourself up! Sometimes it is ok to not be ok. I love you and hope you have fun at your bar party! ((((hugs))) we are all here whenever you need us!
sweetcyndi
I kinda agree with everything everyone said above, in a mixture sort of way. "Me" does disappear when you have kids, in the sense that life will never be the same again, and your heart belongs to others and you live for others. But at the same time, I think you need to redefine the "me". To find what interests you now, in the life you have now. You can't go back to the "you" that you were before you had kids, and you really wouldn't like it anyways. You need to find who "you" are now, in the life you are in.
What fulfills you? What are you interested in? How do you find the answers to those questions? Talking this stuff through with people sure helps. Trying out different things sure helps. Giving yourself breathing room on being perfect sure helps too.
And knowing that we love you and are always here with listening ears should help too.
Love you!
gettingbacktoLaura
I seriously could copy and paste this into my own journal and just change the names. You are not alone.
Let's figure this out!
gettingbacktoLaura