Well since my miscarriage I have …
Well since my miscarriage I have been feeling a bit better since my daughter gives me the strength to move on.I thought …
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KACKY 
8:32pm November 24
Sorry for the long absence. I just haven't had the time to get on with Jim off and work. I can't get on at work and at home I keep pretty busy with everything else. Jim is back to work today so I will have more time to catch up in the evenings.
I have been having a real hard time and feeling very alone and lost - trying to find happiness, balance and all the above.
I started DS in June 14, 2007 - 2 yrs already and I know I have come a long way but I should be further along and I don't know what's stopping me. I really need to find a plan or something that keeps me on track so I don't lose focus. My life is never routine becuase of Jim's schedule. I do best when he's not home but love when he's home. He works swing shift which is afternoon, midnights and then day turn, 5 days in a row for each shift, he may have a day or 1/2 day off in between. He was just off for 9 days which was so nice. Last week I did so good eating, exercising then I got knocked down hard and now TOM is here. I was late actually and started to get worried but happy that it finally came but hate the way I feel during this time. I do not look forward to the next level of womanhood one bit, and I'm 37 - sometimes I wonder if I'm getting the early stages of it???? I can get really bitchy at times and hate when I'm like that and blow up or lose it on nothing. I haven't been like this in a long long time and then on top of it I'm SNORING...... One thing I know that stops my snoring is losing weight. I'm at 146 which is ok but not great. I need to be 140 or below and I am determined to get there no matter what it takes.
So I'm on a mission to find out what works for me, what is the best solution for me to stay on track and I know DS is #1 - We all need support. I have no one else but DS and one close friend and I hate that they are all so far away. Sometimes we need that one person we can go talk to face to face or make that one phone call but with everyone's lives so busy I'm the one who hates to bother anyone.
I have to go, will try to finish up later but will catch up with everyone soon!
So I'm home now, after work I came home and got Diesel and then picked Jimmy up from camp. Jimmy loved that I brought his puppy, the kids loved him of course, they were out playing at the park. I took Jimmy to another park and walked Diesel around so he could play. We came home and I went thru the fridge and cabinets and threw out any JUNK! Yeah, I had a few then realized that I needed this stuff out, so in the trash it went. I will no longer buy that stuff, if Jim wants it he can buy it and if Jimmy wants it, we will only buy in single and he can have then and no leftovers for me to have later......
I just am addicted to food, I have always been and being in this depressed staged it's the first thing I turn to. It's so easy to just pop it right in the mouth, don't even taste it, why, why??? The only thing that helped with depression is eating right and exercising and that's what I need to do, plan ahead and only items that I know the exact cals and that's it, no junk and no diet pop till I reach my goal - I'm finished living this life with my weight constantly going up and down and not being happy with myself. No matter what the weight, we have our own vision of what we want to look like and I'm not at all even close to where I want to be. I don't want to be skinny, I want to be healthy and toned, not jiggly. Somedays I like how I look in certain clothes and other day I don't, we can tell where our body gains weight and when it gains. I gain weight in areas that I never gained before, guess motherhood and getting older will do that to ya. I'm learning, I will continue to learn and fight till I'm right where I wanna be.
Thank you DS buddies for always being there for me, believing in me and never giving up on me no matter how crazy I am, hee hee. You don't know how many times I just want to run from it all and then realize it's not worth giving up or running from. So many times I just wanted to cancel DS because I feel that I'm not there for you, I can't be there for others if I can be there for myself ya know what I mean. I need all of you and that's why I'm still here, no matter what our ups and downs are you never judge or not like me because I struggle and fail, you always pick me back up and make me feel like someone and worth another try, even if it is many.
I am so happy for Lisa and Emily for reaching and almost reaching their goals, Emily you reached your goal, you lost how much???? These two girls are amazing and no matter your age or your weight, look at these two girls, they did it on their own, one with kids and one without and both have crazy schedules so I have no excuses. It's all about having determination and really wanting something that bad. I learned from both of you and I learn from all of you that sometimes it's harder on some of us than others but it doesn't mean it's not hard on Lisa or Emily anymore cuz I think it continues no matter what, life change is a life change and even after a year we still have that inner issues, little devil on our shoulder that always trys to get us back but we keep pushing it away and not letting it happen. Ask yourself "How bad do I want this, how am I gonna get it and how am I gonna continue to live a happy life with this new lifestyle?" It's things we all think about and will continue to think about it so it will never end but we can be happy if we put our foots down, keep our mouths shut (do not insert food) :-) and learn to love exercise and it doesn't have to be hard. Find things we love, run, bike, swim, just having fun running around with the kids, sports, etc. (Hi Laura, Cyndi). I may have missed a few and I'm sorry but my mind isn't all here right now but don't give up, we can do this and I'm gonna be around for a while......
So not tomorrow, not next week - today is a new beginning and I have to make that promise to myself that I will try harder this time and if I fail, try harder and harder ever time till I'm happy!
Thank you sooooo much and I'm sorry for the long journal, vent but it had to be done and it was well overdue.
The real issue is within with family and all the negativity that I had in my life growing up. Even today I'm looking for that love and acceptance that I always wanted and still today I don't get it and I just have to learn that it will never change and the only people that matter to me in life besides DS and my friend in OHIO - you know who you are is Jim's mom, Jim and Jimmy and of course my dogs :-) and that's all I need. I know these are the ones that really care and I can rely on for anything. It's sad when your own family doesn't give a shit about you, and I never did anything wrong.
Time to catch up on the house stuff - laundry, cleaning etc. - the fun stuff right ladies..... This part of our life never ends - Damn it! The more you move the more you lose right??? :-) That's the spirit!!! Now I'm smiling.... :-)
UPDATED GOALS
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Big hugs.
I am sorry you are feeling this way. I am 38, so I know what you mean about feeling like our bodies and moods are changing. We're so blessed with the role we play as moms and how the children are bonded to us, but holy, seems like we've really earned it with all our bodies go through.
Can you make a meal plan for yourself ahead of time for when Jim is home? You know - write it THEN bite it? And schedule in exercise, even if it's with the boys? You were doing great with hardcore exercise and knowing your calorie burn before - do you want to get back to that? Or was that not quality of life - too stressful?
And poor sleep = those hard crabby days that follow. :(
I wish we all lived closer too!!!
gettingbacktoLaura
Oh boy, do I so know how you feel here. I am 45 and I am definitely peri- menopausal. Just waiting for the confirmation from some blood work. And I have lost all of my local friends over time. So I really need to come here or I would truly be alone. But I so appreciate you as a friend, and I am here for you! Maybe the TOM and hormones and changes are adding to your feelings? I know that over the last few years, I have felt depressed and I truly believe that the hormonal changes are contributing to this, big time!
Take a break and then get back on track. this is what I am trying to do. I am frustrated as well. I figured I would have been at goal weight a long time ago and I am not even 1/2 way! But I am better than I was 8 months ago and I am not going backwards. So I will keep plugging. I think it is a matter of perception.
Get some rest and get back on track and in the meantime, vent away here! You have my support, love, understanding! I am SO with you! Love ya!
Kahlua13
I will email U:)
N79
Kathy, as far as family stuff goes I have some similar issues. My parents are great, and for the most part my siblings have been super supportive over the last year as I go through this...but...I come from a HUGE family and out of all of them I seem to be the only one who 1.) has a weight issue and 2.) isn't financially successful. Most of my cousins, Aunts and Uncles don't even speak to me and have never even met my husband. So, in a way I get that need for acceptance. I am always looking for it and it seems I just can't find it.
I can't even really say I am anyone's best friend (besides Brian)...I have a best friend but she has closer friends than me. It does affect my image of myself and sometimes, because I am an emotional eater, it affects my control.
The thing that I am learning more than anything is that when I lose control I am hurting myself through food the way others hurt me emotionally. So, let's fight those triggers together, OK? I know you know I did this to myself just last night so it is very fresh for me, these feelings...and I am so sorry you are suffering with this yourself. It really, really sucks, doesn't it?
As for your body changes, I am only 41 and just before I began my journey I was diagnosed as perimenopausal after having some serious TOM issues.
So, it is rare to be at that point so early but it isn't out of the realm of possibility.
You should talk to your OBGYN and tell them what you've been experiencing.
They may be able to help.
And the feeling like at 2 years you should be further along...I came in only a year ago so I am not sure where you were when you started but I know for myself I expect this journey to maintenance will take 3 years to do it the right way and to train myself to stick to it. None of us gained all our weight over night and none of us will lose it over night either (I know a year is completely different than a night...just want to get it down to it's microscopic reality)..it's a patience thing...and a matter of determination. And Kathy, as difficult as it seems, as long as the road looks, as frustrating as it can be at times I know you will get there...because you ARE still here, and you ARE still fighting.
Just keep picking yourself back up when you fall and know we are all here for you, we all love and care about you, and we are cheering for you.
((((BIG HUGS)))) Love you!
healthymamie
Hey! This journal entry got longer after I had left a comment. Thanks for the shout out and also for the mention of Lisa and Em's hard work. They are inspirational, and YOU ARE TOO, because you are great at analyzing life and helping me see the big picture and get motivated.
gettingbacktoLaura
Kathy I love you.
I am so sorry that you are going through a tough time right now. I think it is really the best thing that you are on here and sharing what is going on inside with us. I know that you have these periods where you lose faith, and I am so happy to see that this time you are reaching out during the middle of it. I know how hard it is to reach out and be okay with not being okay and telling everyone about it. And I also understand how hard this battle is. I have started writing about that part too, like how even in maintenance it still feels like day one again. Some days I am drawn to the fridge and the cupboard and you would think that after all of this time it would be second nature to say no, but it isn't that way at all. It is hard. It is a lifelong struggle but giving up is not and never will be an option. You are so strong and determined and I see you want this SO bad. I am very proud of you for identifying those feelings of what is causing your eating in the first place. It is hard to get to the root of what causes us to want to binge. I know all I do on here is promote therapy, but honestly Kathy, these emotions and feelings of inadequacy are going to continue eating you up unless you reach out to a professional. I credit my therapist for my maintenance. Because any of us can lose weight, but in the end maintaining is all about being okay with fiding other outlets when we are sad and angry and confused. I really really think you should look into therapy. I want you to be happy and to get to a good place, and sometimes DS isn't going to be enough to help you find the answers. I don't ever want you to leave DS. I never ever EVER want you to cancel your account or even think about it! :( I love you Kathy, and you are one of my oldest friends on here! I can't imagine being on here and not seeing you! I just really think that you need to work on putting yourself first and focusing on working through these underlying emotions that are holding you back.
I love you Kathy. We are here for you. I am here for you. And I believe in you and support you 100%.
smileLisa