KACKY's Journal

So Jim got home this morning and Jimmy and I left with my Aunt and Uncle to visit another couple Aunts in Indiana.  My Uncle is doing a family tree and we only have a few living relatives left on my dad's side so he's trying to get the last few details before they pass cuz once they are gone, that's it.  So they got here at 8:45 this morning and we just got back at 4pm and Jim just left for work.  Hate us coming home and then him having to leave but will see him in the morning since I will be home since Jimmy is off for Columbus Day and I took this day as my day off, save me a sitter. 

I have not been doing well at all and very upset with myself and I wish I knew what was going inside me to figure out why I'm back to eating all the time and why I keep turning to food when I'm upset or lonely.  As soon as we get back from Disney, that's it, back on track and staying clear of those Holiday treats.  Now is the time to start another 21 days of breaking a habit and gaining good habits.  My problem is that once I eat something I bad, I can't stop.  If I stay clear from bad foods, then I do fine and don't crave them.  I just can't have one, it's either all or nothing and I hate that I have no control.  

Here I am going on vacation and do not feel my best, not happy with myself and have lost the tone I that previously had.  Yes, it does go away that fast if you stop.  How do I learn to make this a lifetime change and not a short term change, cuz everytime I go right back where I just started. 

I look back at these pictures of my family on my dad's side and they all were heavy and majority of the family died from heart disease/heart attacks.  Don't you think this would say, enough is enough to scare the living hell out of me to stop eating the junk and start exercising on a regular basis.  I have changed my life and I am the only one in my family that does try eat better and exercise.  I want to continue this life style and I do feel much better with that life style but I get bored and aggrevated very easily and feel so alone doing this by myself where I just quit and that's totally wrong. 

I think that growing up and always being aware of my weight has made it worse as I've gotten older cuz I am constantly thinking of it and always going up and down, back and forth and the cycles keep starting over and over again.

When does it become regular, when does it stick, will it ever?????  Crazy but I know and that's what I'm learning.  All I can do is my best and not be so hard on myself and just do a little at a time and gradually increase and hopefully iit will stick and I won't even realize it.  I'm always making it a chore and you know how we can pass it right up or say I don't feel like it today. 

So anyways, I'm waiting for sister-in-law to call back cuz I was gonna take Jimmy to the park and I wanted to see if his cousin Brooke wanted to join us so he has someone to play with.  Tomorrow I have some running around to do so I figured today can be his play day.  Tomorrow I have to go to the mall and get my ring checked and cleaned, I wanted to find a pair of sandals that have a sling back to stay on for the rides, might be too late since fall is here and almost winter.  I have a few groceries to get and then pretty much ready to head out of town. 

Hope everyone is having a great weekend and enjoying this great weather.  It's absolutely beautiful out.    Well better get to the park before it gets dark and enjoy it while we can.  Talk to ya gals later.....

Hugs,

Kathy