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hurtinaz 
I truely dont know what my problem is.. I might be cracking up or im just getting more and more hardened with every day life. back in nov i had found out that I had high grade cancerous cells in my cerix, the doc suggested this procedure which would remove it from the cervix, than the waiting game for 3 months to see if it comes back. I knew in my heart that it would so I did mentally prepare. after the 3 months it did come back, just like I knew it would. The doc gave me several choices 1 being do the procedure again or get a hyst. with everything removed. I choose the latter. I couldnt go thru the waiting to see if it returned. That is torture. I felt ok about it, I didnt have a period since I had ablation 2 years ago. and the feeling of never getting pregant again was a relief.I mean really at my age I couldnt even imagine have any more babies I have 2 and they are a blessing. so why am I feeling like this?? makes no sense.
I dont want to feel sore and hurting all the time and that I wasnt prepared for, I dont feel like less than a woman, so whats the problem? I dont know. Im starting to feel better now after 3 weeks after the surgery but still sore and scared yesterday was the first time in the 3 weeks that I didnt hurt so bad. I cant do anything yet and I dont like that feeling but the fear of hurting myself is tooo overwhelming. I cant sleep in my bed yet its to open and I feel like i need to be confined, I cant drive yet, I cant take long walks without getting sore or exhausted, I hate the feeling that I have to depend on people to help me. Its such a horrible feeling having to beg my sister to take me to the store just to get milk. hate the feeling that I have to keep asking the kids to do their chores. just hate everything about it. I havent been able to go to work in weeks so that is good and bad lol. Bad being no cash. and with this economy thats tough. I hate the feeling that I have to depend on my ex to give me support which he doesnt.. I feel like my life is spiraling out of control... I look like crap,feel like crap and just miserable. feeling sorry for myself is not good. I dont even know why i feel sorry for myself. After reading so many posts there are woman that are worse off than me so why am I feeling like this? The hot flashes, night sweats make me feel like a wet rag. the mood swings are bad just want to rip someones head off. I just want to feel better,, just like my old self. my life was hard before the hyst. but I think Im in for a hell of a ride now.I almost forgot the looks of pity get on my nerves tooo. I just pray I have the strength to get thru this. sorry for rambling!
