Journal

Hope no one minds but I am going to ramble on a llitle.

 Today and tonight I feel uptight and down. I had an  incident at work yesterday that mada me really upset to the point where i cried etc,. So that night I decided to write a letter to my PSY. DOC. I debated showing it to him. Instead I made an emergancy appointment with him today. We discussed what had taken place. Most of it was that i should tell the person to go to hell (sorry for the lanquage) and remember that this will pass and that i should not be hard on myself as I am a "better person then that" . I told him also that i  had SI and he just said   "no don't go there". One thing that bothers me is that at one point he said he doesnn't understand why i would want to kill myself.

He meant however that i was better then that. He also asked me to not play games with him. Trust me that is one thing I don't want and have tried not to do.

He did help me remember that at some point in my life someone made me feel like i was not capable. That reminds me of another  therapist i saw you said somewhere I learned that my feelings were wrong when in fact they are only just feelings.

I still have the letter i wrote and  i might just show it to my doc still even though it a done deal.

Is it wrong but I need for him to understand how   SI I feel.

I mean have you ever gotten to the point where you did not feel safe?

Well even though I feel SI i am trying to take it one day at a time if you know what i mean?

Bye for now. Thanks for any support.  

tonight i went to see my PSY doc. I told how i have SI thoughts. HE does'nt really seem to want to talk about it or believe me. We did talk about the fact that we all at some time or another want to kill ourselves. MY qestion is has anyone felt this way and really needed to talk about it?

I have and am right now In the past its been hard to get through the day and more so the night. I need some support and hope i get it here on DS

The other day my therapist asked me why I felt "Bad" I said I did'nt realy know. Upon thinking about it I find that I feel its becaus I feel guilty. Guilty that I want to reach out to someone for help with my depression. Also for wanting to "Cut" myself.

I was going to say i know these emotions are wrong but there not . They are simply emotions.  

 Has any one else felt this way?