Journal

Tomorrow is Mandy's funeral.  Friday night Laura and I took Cian over to re-meet his sister--he hasn't seen her since he was 2.  I was extremely nervous about it--I wanted to find a few of the biggest "goons" available to take with us, in case there was a fight.  There was no one around and it turned out that it was unnecessary.  I reminded them that our first meeting was violent (they threatened to kick my ass if I put Cian in the car) and things settled right down.  LOL  because I reminded them or because there was no threat to start with, I am unsure, but we spent 3 hours chatting while the kids played.

But nothing has changed as far as my intentions.  My lawyer is going to file for joint custody of Cian between myself, Brandi (Brett's twin sister) and Brett.   He has agreed to the arrangement---easily, I might add.  He is going to spend at least 2 1/2 years in prison and I still don't trust Mandy's family as far as I can throw them!!!!

I can pick up Todd (my dog) tomorrow morning at the vet's office.  WoooHooo!!!!!!  You don't realise how much a silly pet can mean to you until they are taken away from you----at least I couldn't.  Cian spent the weekend at Brandi's, the dog was gone and I didn't sleep for SHIT!!!!  No one here, I guess.

Not much else right now---will certainly journal after we get home tomorrow.

Thank you all for your thoughts and comments for me recently---it helps to know that people out there care enough to send well wishes.

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cian's mother died yesterday.  All of the stress that has been going on with her---my doubts as to whether she was telling the truth about her illness were unfounded, although the suspicions were justified by her history.  She was in a coma for three weeks--which explains the lack of contact and her heart just gave out Wednesday morning.  She was 27 and left 2 babies behind---Cian and his sister, Komfort.

Now comes the heartache for Cian.  I want him to think of his momma as a good person who loved her children.  She may have made shitty choices, but she DID love her children and, in a way, proved her love by giving them up to people capable of caring for them properly.  So no mention yet of the drug abuse and the liver failure and Hepatitis C.

AND.......................my dog is in jail!!!!  He bit someone on Friday last and they threatened to issue an arrest warrant if I didn't turn up with him.  Hell, I didn't even know that the groomer's assistant had gone to the hospital till this morning!!! He has to spend 10 days in quarantine for rabies--I know he's clean, but it's the law.

Okay, so since it always happens in threes, am I being paranoid to sit here waiting for the other shoe to drop?????

Things are getting really hectic around here lately---I feel like I am being pulled fifty different directions at the same time.  Which sends me into the worst kind of mania---I can't get crap done.....no, finished.  I have tried taking a deep breath, time-outs, screaming into a pillow: all to no avail.  My insides are crawling, trying to get out of this body.  My mind can't keep a thought together for more than 2 seconds.  I haven't been this "apart" and disjointed in 20 years!!!!

And I can't stop it.

Hospital time, maybe???!!!!