stargazer673's Journal

It's another nice day out...in the middle of winter too...crazy.  I enjoyed my short walk and am thinking of start to walk around the apartments twice...but I think I'll wait till I finish my walking goal first then start a new one.

Hicham noticed the smilie face that you can change from green to red depending on your mood or how you are feeling.  He now asks me what color I am now...it's silly.  I think he likes the fact that I am feeling better.  The other day he accused me of being yellow because of the money I am getting...we both got a kick out of that.

I hope everyone is well...it's been really quiet around here (website).

I'm still seeing things and the voices are still with me but I'm trying to stay strong.  I have therapy on tuesday so I'm going to talk to my therapist about it.  I still don't know what she is going to have me do.  I mean I know changing the way I'm thinking helps but it doesn't rid me of them completely.  Maybe she'll help me quiet them to the point where I'm comfortable with them.  All I have to say about the voices is that they sure do try had to ruin my day.  I'm still seeing a man in my bathroom....but the odd thing is that his hair color has changed.  It was blonde and now it's more brown.  I know I should tell Hicham about them (the voices and hallucinations) but I don't want to worry him.  I think he's feeling better that I'm feeling better.  I know I'll be fine.  I'm learning to cope with them again.  I had to have had coping skills when I was younger and seeing all that I saw and heard..I would think so anyway.  I made it to adulthood.  I know that I have only spoken badly of my mother but there is some good in her too.  I think I was able to cope with the voices and hallucinations when I was younger because I felt that she was strong...does that make sense? 

An example of what I mean is when we lived out in Peru, KS a lot of things happened to me.  When I would take walks in the forest (we lived on 20 acres and more then 3/4 of that was forest) I would see shadows walking everywhere...but it didn't scare me too badly...they were mostly white shadow people.  I knew there was something wrong with my bedroom...being that it was at the far end of the trailer almost touching the forest.  I always felt like I was being watched through the window in my room.  Nothing ever tried to enter the trailer.  It was safe because (IMO) mom was there to protect us.  When she up and left us for dad (she moved herself to Wichita to live with dad and left us out in Peru) Things started happening in the trailer.  The thing that was watching me from the window got closer...I ended up leaving that room but not before a black shadow person, I first though was my dead grandfather, showed up and threated me...it walked to my bed while I was laying down and it started to reach for me.  I started screaming and it disappeared.  I changed room and sleep in my nephew's bed with him.  I could still hear the voices screaming though.  I watch the back door unlock itself and fly open.  This happened several times and at one point Skyler (my nephew) was found talking to himself while standing in front of the open back door.  It was pitch black out there.   I am convienced that this stuff happened because my mother left. 

Take care. Tonya