Progress
15 %
Goal End Date is Oct 18, 09 106 more days.
Current Weight (Lbs)
232
stargazer673 
12:59am, March 24, 2009
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About Me
stargazer673
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About Me
Hi! My name is Tonya. I am 27 y/o and am married to a 31 y/o Moroccan. We've been married for 7 years. We don't have any children - just 2 cats. I was just recently diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. I was first diagnosed with Major Depression and Schizophrenia...I dont' know why they decided to change it. I am the middle child...there were 5 of us...Todd, Tishawna, Me, Talina, and Timothy...my mom had some kinda infatuation(sp?) with the letter T. My dad was in the military so we moved a lot. I feel like I was tricked out of a good education because we would move mid-school year and the first school I was in wouldn't be on a certain subject and the new school would have already finished with that subject. When we moved back to the states after living in England for 4 years I had to go to a special class to learn to speak "American English"...I still slip sometimes...and people think is funny but it's fustrating. I had a pretty hard life - besides the constant moving. From a young age I hated myself and believed everyone around me hated me too. I felt like a loser...a burden. I felt that things would be better for everyone if I wasn't around. The first time I tried to commit suicide I was 4 (or so) years old. I had it all planned out. I was going to jump out the second story bathroom window. I remember sitting there for a while and as I got ready to jump someone pulled me back...and I still don't know who did that. The second time (that I remember) I tried to kill myself was when we lived in Mississipp...I was about 10 or 11 years old. I was having problems at school. I felt weird...always sad. I remember writing small notes on my homework asking for help...but that was ignored. I remember giving one last try. I wrote a very long letter to my teacher telling her exactly how I felt. By the end of the day I go the letter back with a piece of butterscotch taped to it. That night I got out the "medicine box" and got the childrens tylonal and put the box up. I took every pill in both bottles. It was easy..they tasted really good. I was sick for a whole week...and no one NO ONE noticed. I feel now that I could have died and they wouldn't have noticed. I tried several times in High School...but was unsuccessful. A few times my younger brother, Timothy, would take the weapon from me. Other times I talked myself out of it. I hated it in Peru (KS)...I was raped when I was 16 or 17 by my best friends brother. The funny thing (I guess it's funny..) I had a huge crush on the guy. But he took advantage of me. I know I was stupid for flirting with him...but that's really all I remember...the next thing I know I'm naked and bleeding in his bedroom. The next school day my friend (who was also staying at my best friends house that night) told everyone at school what had happened...or what she thought had happened. I wanted so badly to just die then. And the bad thing about it was that I told my mom what had happened and she told me that I had asked for it. And speaking of my mom...I told her once that I was depressed and wanted help...she told me that everyone is depressed and that I just need to get over it...great advice huh? My mother abandoned us (me, my younger sister and brother) out in Peru (KS) because dad had moved back to Wichita and mom was tired of putting up with our fighting (mine and Talina's)...she didn't even say good bye. She packed everything she wanted and left while we were in school. We came home to a note telling us where she was. She came back every few weeks with food for us and the animals on our "farm"...I had to take care of Talina and Timothy...they both seemed to hate me...and Talina blamed me for making mom leave. All MY fault. Then Tish moved in with us because she was pregnant and homeless. Mom gave her control of us...and money to buy food so she (mom) didn't have to make the 3 hour trip again. Tish spent the money on cigarettes and junk food. She would sit at the computer for hours on end...even late into the night. When she had her baby, Kaden, she pushed him on Talina and me to take care of. She literally ignored him. We would get him dressed in the morning before school..and when we came home Tish was still on the computer and Kaden would have the same diaper on that we put on him that morning. My parents came back Christmas of 1999 and found the place a mess...Tish had been using the a/c vents as an ashtray. Mom gave her 24 hours to clean the place up or she was gone...Tish cleaned the place up but left anyway. And again Talina, Timothy and I were left alone. After I graduated from high school in 2000 mom came and got Talina and Timothy and my older brother, Todd moved in with his g/f and her children. Todd's g/f told me that she'd pay me to take care of Todd's son, Skyler, but she decided that she didn't want me to watch him and forced me to get a job. I got a job at McDonalds for 1 day and quit. I moved to Wichita about 2 weeks later. I was having major problems there, besides the drama with Elizabeth...I was hearing voices talking in different rooms when I was home alone...and at night when people were asleep...I did hear them when people were around but not that often. I started to feel like I was being watched and I was hallucinating badly. I moved in with my parents in Wichita.... I'm going to stop here...if you want to know more just ask.
Hi! My name is Tonya. I am 27 y/o and am married to a 31 y/o Moroccan. We've been married for 7 years. We don't have any children - just 2 cats. I was just recently diagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder. I was first diagnosed with Major Depression and Schizophrenia...I dont' know why they decided to change it. I am the middle child...there were 5 of us...Todd, Tishawna, Me, Talina, and Timothy...my mom had some kinda infatuation(sp?) with the letter T. My dad was in the military so we moved a lot.
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Interests
I'm interested in Music - I listen to hard rock..and a little country but I can't stand anything else...I guess there is something wrong with me..lol. I like to cross stitch...weird for someone my age...I think anyway. And finally I love the internet...If I can't get online at least once a day I get very annoyed and I am not someone people want to be around. I'm sure I'm interested in more but that is all I can think of..
I'm interested in Music - I listen to hard rock..and a little country but I can't stand anything else...I
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Hi Tonya
Just letting you know ive replied to your comment on my journal
Thank you
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I used to work out when I was pissed and I always felt good after, angry music and something to make you sweat works wonders....The Pamelor is good except it makes me really sleepy....I've been cranky but I changed birth control pills too....you can read up on it...I'm on a low dose 25Mg 1x a day.
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Shout Out
You can do it, exercise is actually great to get rid of anger and stress!
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Hug
Sorry I've been gone for so long, they've changed my meds around, and I just don't feel together at all....have you ever been given pamelor?
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Goals
Progress
10 %
Goal End Date is Apr 19, 08 441 days ago.Distance (miles)5Progress
15 %
Goal End Date is Jan 3, 09 182 days ago.Current Weight (Lbs)232 -
Support Groups
Close Depression
Type: Clinical (Major) DepressionI've always been depressed. When I was young I didn't know what was wrong but I knew something was. I was suicidal at age 4...I remember thinking about what would happen if I just jumped out of a second story window. I only recently got help and it's been hard working on getting better. I'm currently taking Pristiq.
Treatments
- Effexor Working / Worked
- Electroconvulsive therapy Not Working
- It didn't help at all and it made me lose most of my memory from about 4 months before the treatment. I am only now starting to remember things...and July is very fuzzy for me.
- Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- It's nice to know that I'm not alone in how I feel.
- Meditation Not Working
- I can't quiet my mind enough to meditate
- Positive Thinking Somewhat Helpful
- I'm slowly starting to change the way I think.
- Prozac Working / Worked
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- I really like my therapist..he is an awesome guy who seems to really care.
- Relaxation Somewhat Helpful
- I try to relax...but then I start thinking about everything
- Sleep Not Working
- I hardly sleep much these days and when I do sleep I have horrible nightmares.
- Wellbutrin Not Working
- Writing Somewhat Helpful
- I write to remember. So I know it wasn't a dream/nightmare
- Zoloft Working / Worked
- I'm no longer taking this med but it did work for me for about 5 months.
Close Panic Attacks
I started having Panic Attacks when I was working for a security company. The stress of everything...from seeing things to hearing voices to feeling like I was being followed...just got to be too much. I had to quit my job but I still get panic attacks...and they just seem to get worse each time.
Treatments
- Ativan Working / Worked
- It works but not as well as it used too. I used to be able to feel it working but now I don't know if it is. At first it caused extreme tiredness but now I don't have that problem.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- I haven't been working on CBT for some time now but it did seem to help a little.
- Effexor Not Working
- Did nothing for my Panic Attacks.
- Patience Working / Worked
- I've learned to be patient when I have an attack...trying to rush doesn't help any.
- Positive Thinking Not Working
- Hard to think positively about anything
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- Learning to change my thoughts...so when I panic I can think about something else
- Relaxation Not Working
- I find it hard to relax when my mind is spinning and I'm dizzy.
- Trazodone Not Working
- Didn't work
- Zoloft Somewhat Helpful
- It kinda helps with the attacks.
Open Schizophrenia
I was dx with Schizophrenia but they changed my dx on me...so I'm not sure if I am schizophrenic. I do hear voices, hallucinate, and feelings of being followed and watched. I've always seen things...and heard voices...since I can remember.
Treatments
- Abilify Not Working
- I have bad suicidal urges when on this med.
- Art Somewhat Helpful
- Cogentin Working / Worked
- I haven't had to take this in a while but it helped with the restlessness.
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- Geodon Working / Worked
- So far this has helped a lot with the voices and what I see. It has also helped a lot with the depression and panic attacks
- Invega Not Working
- I don't think it ever worked for me...I kept having hallucinations while on it. I am no longer taking this.
- Music Somewhat Helpful
- Pets Working / Worked
- I don't know what I'd do without "my boys" they are my life.
- Positive Thinking Not Working
- Does nothing
- Prolixin Somewhat Helpful
- It helped out a little but then I started feeling like my head was in the clouds. I hated the way it made me feel. And it caused me to drool.
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- I don't think my therapist believes what I tell her. I think she thinks I'm making it up.
- Relaxation Not Working
- Does nothing
- Risperdal Not Working
- This worked for about 2 months then quit on me. I started lactating while on this med.
- Seroquel Working / Worked
- I'm taking 900mg and it seems to really be helping.
- Symmetrel Too Soon to Tell
- Zyprexa Not Working
- Didn't help and made me gain over 40lbs in less than 2 months.
Open Interracial Relationships
My husband and I have been married now for 6 years. I am from America and he is from Morocco.
Treatments
- Acceptance Working / Worked
Open Interfaith Relationships
My husband and I have been together for 6 years now. He is Muslim and I am Agnostic. We do have conflicts over religion but we love each other so we work it out.
Treatments
- Acceptance Working / Worked
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
Open Rape
When I was 17 I was raped by my best friends brother.
Treatments
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- Group Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
- Rape Counseling Somewhat Helpful
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- I don't know how to talk about it...I don't think anyone wants to hear about it.
Open Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar)
stargazer673 hasn’t entered any details for this support group.Open Internet Addiction
I'm addicted to the internet...if I don't get on at least once a day I am not a kind person to be around...and if I feel the need to get on and someone is in the way or the computer is turned off (which I hate) I go crazy.
Open Shyness
I've always been shy.
Treatments
- DailyStrength Working / Worked
- Pets Working / Worked
- Psychotherapy Somewhat Helpful
Open Self-Injury
I'm not a cutter but I do hurt myself. I've cut once but mostly I stick to hitting and punching myself. I bite and scratch. I've also picked at scabs until I make them bleed.
Open Personality Disorders
Type: Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)stargazer673 hasn’t entered any details for this support group.Open Pet Bereavement
I lost my precious cat to some sickness that didn't get noticed until it was late.
Open Insomnia
Treatments
- Ambien Working / Worked
- I just started Ambien a few nights ago. It has helped me sleep a lot better then I normally do.
- Ativan Working / Worked
- Ativan worked for a short period but helped more with my anxiety then with my insomnia
- Counting Sheep Somewhat Helpful
- This sometimes helps but I often would find my thoughts drifting somewhere else while counting
- Meditation Somewhat Helpful
- I would find my thoughts going in different directions then the meditation.
- Music Not Working
- Keeps me awake because I feel that I have to keep up with the song.
- Reading Somewhat Helpful
- Sometimes this would help but sometimes it would get my brain working and thinking about things.
- Trazodone Not Working
- I hated this stuff...left me feeling like I had a hangover the next morning.
- Melatonin Not Working
- This used to work really well...but it slowly stopped working and I had to increase the dosage. I was up to 20mgs before my doc told me to stop taking it.
- Zyprexa Too Soon to Tell
- Was told that it would help me sleep...they took my ambien away to see if it would work...waiting to see how it works.
Open Blindness & Visual Impairment
Type: Partially SightedI have to wear contacts or glasses otherwise I am very blind.
Open Depression in Children
I suffered from major depression as a child...I hope to offer some advice to those either suffering or supporting those who suffer.
Treatments
- Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Somewhat Helpful
- Effexor Not Working
- Lexapro Not Working
- Meditation Somewhat Helpful
- Music Working / Worked
- Pets Working / Worked
- Risperdal Not Working
- Cymbalta Working / Worked
Open Bedwetting
When I was younger I used to wet the bed all the time. They tried medications, diapers, even forcing me to sleep on a toddler's mattress. Nothing worked...I just eventually grew out of it.
Treatments
- Diapers Somewhat Helpful
- It helped keep the bed dry but didn't stop me from wetting the bed.
Open Bereavement
Type: Loss of a RelativeI've lost a few people in my life that I miss so much. From my grandfather, whom I love so very much, to a special cat who only lived to be a few months old before she got sick and died. I wish I could change the past and make things different.
Treatments
- Crying Working / Worked
- Getting Angry Working / Worked
- Keeping Busy Working / Worked
- Music Working / Worked
- Pets Working / Worked
- Remembering Working / Worked
- Talking Working / Worked
- Time Working / Worked
Open Healthy Relationships
I have been married to my husband for 7 years now and I believe that we have a very healthy relationship.
Treatments
Open Lactose Intolerance
I'm allergic to milk.
Treatments
- Avoid Certain Foods / Chemicals Working / Worked
Open Agoraphobia & Social Anxiety
I am scared to leave my house.
Open Breakups & Divorce
Treatments
- Forgiveness Not Working
- Leave Working / Worked
- Music Working / Worked
- Support from Friends & Family Working / Worked
- Talking Working / Worked
