confusedandhopeless's Journal

Time helps us grow and learn so much about ourselves,  my past experience has taught me so much about myself and where i need to work on and where i am doing well. You cannot control what others do, well, i never tried, to control anyone, but i have learned its not about me! Its a flaw, or a issue within themselves, that cause them to do the bad things they do to me. Ive really never felt, that is was me, dont get me wrong, i am by no means perfect, but i have all my life, strived to be better, at dealing with my own issues, and past ones. To me, the past is just what it says, PAST, and its the here and now that im looking at. I could have forgiven my last partner of everything, had she just stopped, and dealt with her issues, and not put me, in the middle of them. I really Loved her so very much, it seems each time i have loved someone, it has been stronger and deeper. I think as we age, it does that, because it becomes more meaningful, and my profound to us in our lives, more appreciated!

She had asked me, if i left, would if she found her way out of her mess, would i come back to her, well............ right now the idea of this, is NO, i would not! But if i am to be true to myself, and she really did change, I would give her another chance, it just would be a slower, process, of working towards what we would want.

I have always been able to forgive her, i know this is not the person, i new, and she does not like the person she has become. Well, time will tell what is meant to be.

 I am doing ok, now, i have my moments, of being in so much pain, and my emotions getting away from me, but i do know  i tried with all my heart, to stay, let her work it out, 3 yrs is a very long time, to let someone, find themselves, but i did try. I believe the price i paid, was worth what ive learned, and ive gotten so strong, and i feel so enlighted, and my realtionship with God, has grown to where we talk, almost every moment of the day, and await His responses, and His help. That in itself was worth it, because i feel if you do not have Him in your life, you will always be lost, and alone, in where it matters the most!