Journal

I am leaving in two weeks. WE talked an she has asked me to go "for now" until she can heal herself, and finally get it through her head and the other ones head, that they will never work. I am struggling to find a place ok within myself, to be ok with this. This love i have for her is very strong, and i stuggle with the part that wants to believe this, and the fear, she is just lying to me. I no only time will tell, and i will finally no whats going to come to pass. I am ok with going, because me staying has not solve the problem, i do realize sometimes people need to go through things in order to get over them, and just maybe this is that sort of thing. I appreciate all the advice ive been given, its so hard, when you feel alone in trying to make the best decision.

My friends and family are very supportive, but so much has happened i guess they fear too, me getting hurt anymore.  This has never been a simple thing, of wanting ones cake and eat it too, or a game, i believe i have lived with her, to see her stuggle with trying to make two people happy, and being torn in not being able to make a decision, and the wanting to be close with me, ie in everyway, just to me, confirms that this isnt a simple problem.

This is one of the hardest things ive ever been through except my mother dying, i struggle to be strong, and just let it take its course, and not give up yet.  Am i being foolish, perhaps, what would soomeone else here do for someone they love. am i crazy, NO i am not, just in love i guess. WE had fun today, her and i playing basketball, an corn hole, things can be so great, when there normal. I love being with her, jsut not this problem, and vise versa. Its all so foolish to me, to have to go through so much, just to have the one you love, but perhaps this is Gods way of making her see finally that people are not there to make you feel better and be happy, that is something you have to do for yourself. And being gay does not mean God made a mistake, or cause your father wasnt so wonderful, you can change, and be happy with yourself, and have a good life.

Well see all, whats to come. I am ok now, i feel an inner peace, and i no God has his reasons!

Time helps us grow and learn so much about ourselves,  my past experience has taught me so much about myself and where i need to work on and where i am doing well. You cannot control what others do, well, i never tried, to control anyone, but i have learned its not about me! Its a flaw, or a issue within themselves, that cause them to do the bad things they do to me. Ive really never felt, that is was me, dont get me wrong, i am by no means perfect, but i have all my life, strived to be better, at dealing with my own issues, and past ones. To me, the past is just what it says, PAST, and its the here and now that im looking at. I could have forgiven my last partner of everything, had she just stopped, and dealt with her issues, and not put me, in the middle of them. I really Loved her so very much, it seems each time i have loved someone, it has been stronger and deeper. I think as we age, it does that, because it becomes more meaningful, and my profound to us in our lives, more appreciated!

She had asked me, if i left, would if she found her way out of her mess, would i come back to her, well............ right now the idea of this, is NO, i would not! But if i am to be true to myself, and she really did change, I would give her another chance, it just would be a slower, process, of working towards what we would want.

I have always been able to forgive her, i know this is not the person, i new, and she does not like the person she has become. Well, time will tell what is meant to be.

 I am doing ok, now, i have my moments, of being in so much pain, and my emotions getting away from me, but i do know  i tried with all my heart, to stay, let her work it out, 3 yrs is a very long time, to let someone, find themselves, but i did try. I believe the price i paid, was worth what ive learned, and ive gotten so strong, and i feel so enlighted, and my realtionship with God, has grown to where we talk, almost every moment of the day, and await His responses, and His help. That in itself was worth it, because i feel if you do not have Him in your life, you will always be lost, and alone, in where it matters the most!