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OJewel 
7:44am, November 14, 2009
Since dad's death, mom has been sad.This makes me sad!I am not quite here or there. On the one hand my father's regular absence from my life is now sealed with a forever permanence of absence so I can go on but my mom?Well, she is having a sad time of it.We are all super spooked bec. his illness came up in four months and then he died. I mean I don't know how to love my mom enough knowing that time is lapsing. She doesn't live where I am she is a few hours away. Life without my Gramma was really sad.I hate those first few moments, then minutes, hours, then days when the one you love is just gone.When gramma passed I wasn't hungry for a month and my friend brought me food. But, gramma prepared me, daily.One thing I did was to take a lot of pictures and I kept all her letters and recipes.When Mom dies I just want to be so much more independent than I am!Is there something you wish you did or knew before your loved one died?or that you thought of after?My spirit just feels sort of dampend.I am neither here nor there....... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Ok now onto my day we went food shopping but gosh it buys nothing!!!$50.00 went nowhere not even to chocolate!NO Chocolate what the heck was I doing in the store?Oh, and I am blessed for having that electric go cart even if it does go kaput in the middle of a crowd.Never got the pumpkin donuts though. Oh well. I have been practicing my driving therapy. I love my driving therapist. He is sooooo cool!And he's not too bad on the eyes either. LOL.I am practicing my driving and I am now starting to feel like I just might be able to start driving alone soon. Wouldn't that be wonderful?Gosh!I want that day so badly when I will feel independent and confident enough to drive alone. Since my dad died I have let go of a lot of feelings that were tied into my backwards attitude on driving. Oh, hey, I can now go to the drive through window at the bank. I have to have someone with me but at least I can go.I want to thank all of you that have written to me since my father passed even new people I didn't even know. I thank you bec. there are days when I am just plain in shock and its all I can do to turn out a journal. One day I will be in touch. --------------------------------------------------Oh, yea, my multicultural art class ended. Yeh, its over. I am so happy.They gave us 15ceus (continuing education credits)for us with a little certificate of completion.Gosh, I am tired. Good night!Love n hugs from Jewel!
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I woke up happy.Such a nice feeling. Debs is over. She's my bestie best. We scraped our money together and went out to eat then we got frostys from Wendy's and parked the car on a big hill to watch the sunset.Today I am going to Dunkin' Donuts for their pumpkin donuts.Its so good.Yum, I love it.Today is also the last day of our art class and to be quite frank I am ready for it. Loved my art teacher but so tired of the constant attention some people need in the class.I also get to go to the bank today which means food shopping!! I just hope I can get to the grocery BEFORE I get to a restaurant.Its a huge weakness of mine. About my father, the condolences here on DS meant a lot to me!! They really did. Now I am starting to get cards from people that I rarely keep in touch with and that is a little aggravating.My Dad and I were not close. We weren't even on speaking terms and to be honest I was quite use to that.But, being my parent it just reminds me how much to do and be with my mom while she is here. Dad never accepted my illnesses ie the agoraphobia and so he didn't accept me. Mom was there all along and I just wasn't paying attention.I think I might bring her a pumpkin donut.
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enjoy Jewel,i am glad you see know that your mum is there for you,tell her how you feel she will appreciate it
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Have your self a wonderful day, buy those pumpkin
donuts there great!!! Give ond to Mom.
And enjoy your Day!!!!
Eve
Its raining here today and I spent most of the morning in bed trying to sleep away the depression.Nothing motivates me. I just show up where I am suppose to and hope one day or be glad one day that the effort shows itself. I went to class last night, It was statistics..hard stuff. Some one wrote an article on me for some magazine. So, yea, that was different. My job coach and I sent out three resumes so we shall see where that takes us or rather me. I have to take a medicine for two weeks right now.It makes my stomach curdle.Yes, it is that gross. Anyway, tomorrow Debs comes over. She was here today and we went to IHOP. This cop kept pulling people over in the parking lot, don't know why. Till I noticed the people all had their tail lights out. I was nervous leaving the lot! Never know what they are looking for. So, I did my practice runs on the course. I have to do three runs this week for half hour each.And study some material on why I shouldn't be depressed. Oh well.Guess I will go watch youtube now. Have a good one everyone.
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Be kind to yourself child of God. Remember there are people praying for you. You are loved beloved.
Eve (:)
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Hi Jewel,
Depression usually sets in as the seasons change (less sunlight). I have had to deal with clinical depression most of my life, but have been doing very well without meds now. I have tried very hard to exercise more(helps) eat better(definitely helps) and stay away from things that make me stressed or negative people. Very important for me to surround myself with things that makes me smile :)
I try to read positive affirmations everyday and do something that makes me smile everyday. And yes knowing that God or your higher power does indeed love love us makes a difference too! Also remember that you have been here before and that this too shall pass. When I get in a bad spiral of depression I have to remember that it won't last forever and be mindful of the negative thoughts I give myself. It helps me to make choices about what I am willing to believe.
love & hugs! Take care,Toshie
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ty toshie! Love you! Jewel
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oh dear my lovely Jewel,i am so sad for you,i know too what losing people does to you,i have not got many family members left now,some i don't miss but some have been gone for many years and i still miss them and cry for them,but it does get better i promise,if you can't ring your mum every day then send her a letter or oa pretty card ,you need each other more now than ever,just take one day at a time and don't try to rush things,it will all bounce back at you if you do,i am praying for you both,love and comforting hugs,Helen.
witchnell