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Andra 
Just felt the need to ramble. My anxiety has been on maximum over drive lately!! There's just so much going on and it's hard to function.
4th of July was bitter sweet, and me with the flu....thanx to my loving dear husband!! It's going around so I can't really blame him, but I can try, LOL
So many thoughts ran through my head on the 4th, as I tried to forget how sick I really was was, and actually still am.
It was Nolan's first 4th of July....which was exciting and I wished I could of enjoyed it with the family and friends we had over.
Our friend came over with her daughter and I know it was hard for her, since losing her son a few weeks ago, and when I finally came outside for a moment, she had such a lost look on her face. I understood. I couldnt help but get teary eyed at the thought that her son and our son would of been celebrating the 4th with an assortment of fire works. Seeing our son lighting the fireworks, I kept picturing his best friend being here, thinking he should of been here, and this just isnt right without him here. Our house hasnt been the same without Matt, nor will it ever be. I am having a really hard time accepting that he is gone. Every time I look at our son I see the lost look in his eyes as well, and my heart just breaks for him.
We were at our friends house a few days ago to give her one of the scrapboooks I made for her, and as I got out of the car I had to keep from tearing up and told my husband just a second so I could pull myself together. He told me I had to keep it together for her, and I agreed, but it was so hard not falling apart.
As we walked in the door, of course I lost it again. So much for trying! It is impossible for me to not cry, especially every time I see her. Will it ever get better? I know in time it may be more manageable to get through, but I cant even think that far ahead right now.
She handed me the sweetest thank you card, and she wrote... if we ever needed anything she'd be there for us. All I could think was oh my gosh, how sweet that was of her, and she had been the one to lose her son, and she was worried about us and if we needed anything.
I've also been thinking about lil Angel Madyson. This month on the 23rd she'd of been 11 months, and next month would of been her 1st birthday. This also would of been her 1st 4th of July, and I couldnt help but think of what she would of been like watching the fireworks.
She will forever be in my heart and I will make sure Nolan grows up knowing who Madyson is.
She may be gone, but she will always be family!
Hold the ones you love close!
{{HUGS}}
